Archive for July, 2009

Bigmouth Strikes Again!

Posted: July 31, 2009 in Music
Tags: , , , ,

I chuffing love The Smiths.

But I never used to…

I’m like that with bands….I only start liking them 20 years after they’ve split up.

I don’t follow trends…I create them.Every 20 years my clothes come back into fashion.

In my school there was ONE Smiths fan..although “fan” didn’t really sum her up.

She was fekking obsessed…

A quiet,brainy,sensitive sort by nature (perfect Smiths fan),she would only come to life when pressed about her fave subject.She was often to be found comparing Morrissey’s lyrics to Shakespeare.

This would amuse us greatly,because even though we all hated Shakespeare,The Smiths were only a pop band…weren’t they?

Only a certain type of person followed them.

Those quiet,arty,sensitive types who society just didn’t understand…today we would call them Emo.And we would want to kill them…if they hadn’t already done it themselves,of course.

Smiths fans were Emos…but with better taste in music.

Maybe it was because they were so damn miserable. You had to be as miserable as them to be allowed to like them….being a fan was something you had to earn.You got the impression that all Morrissey wanted was to get his leg over,just once would do,he’s gagging for it,bless him.

Poor sod.

My first and most vivid memory of The Smiths was on Top of the Pops when Morrissey performed with a bunch of flowers in his back pocket.Everybody was talking about that the next day.

They were the ultimate indie band…and in my social circle indie,quite simply was a polite term for crap….and I was too busy listening to Duran Duran anyway.

I had a fairly extensive music collection in my tender,disillusioned teenage years.

NOTHING by the Smiths….not even a 7-inch… (stop sniggering at the back)

Until they released “Panic.”

Suddenly I was a fan…and so was everybody else.Cries of “Hang the DJ!” could be heard echoing through the city streets.admittedly it is a great song,but I soon realised I’d missed out on so much.

The classic jugga jugga (proper musical term) of  “How Soon Is Now?”,the despair of “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out”,the how-can-you-call-a song-that shock of “Girlfriend In A Coma” and “Shoplifters of the World Unite.”

“Last Night I Dreamed Somebody Loved Me”…been there,readers…been there.

Now a confession….I did actually turn a bit emo in the early 90s due to my new-found Smiths infatuation.

I even had a Cure record…Disintegration to be exact…and I did have a lot of black clothes…

I am not ashamed.I am no longer emo,but am often miserable as buggery…so I am still a fan.

If you are a lifelong fan,or if you are new to The Smiths,I shall leave you with this…

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I have absolutely nothing to blog about today,so please forgive me if I make random shit up.

Ooh I know…seeing that this blog has been going for about a fortnight,how about a few updates to previous blogs with some funny photos that i’ve spent all bloody afternoon finding because I have no life?

No?

Sod ya then….because you’re getting it.

First up…a gross error of judgement.

Calendar fail…Alkie-Neighbour’s birthday party is TONIGHT.

The grannies have been ominously massing since midday.Worse still,they all know which house I live in,and I swear I saw a few of them look lustily in the general direction of my front door.

My life is in great danger…I saw the Octo-Drunk making sausage rolls earlier.

I fear the aged,wrinkled face at the door…the hideously gnarled hand upon my knocker.

I got her a card…stuck it through her box earlier,then legged it.I’ll pretend to be out for the rest of the evening,that should do it.

On a related not,I still have no light in the living room or landing.I haven’t been able to psych myself up to go and buy bulbs…although this may help me out this evening…hmmm…nice coincidence.

Talking of dolphins,I received a brochure in the post today about Community Education Courses.As I was about to funny-pictures-hermione-cat-knows-all-the-answersrecycle this delirious tome,I paused…and decided to give it a cursory glance.And I’m mightily glad I did because I am now going to sign up to a £50,ten-week course to teach me how to sell on eBay,while squeezing in a bit of pilates,yoga and introduction to massage…and perhaps a bit of lacemaking.

Ooh and belly-dancing…I need a bit of that.

On a more sobering note,it appears my last post caused a bit of a stir.Aspersions were cast on The Blog Dog’s kind and loving nature.

In short,that The Blog Dog was,in no uncertain terms,a “Bad Arse.”

I know,I know…I’m shocked too.

These accusations are completely false…The Blog Dog is NOT a “bad arse” of any kind,but would like to point out thatfpfanimal0 the extremely handsome young man who types out his blogs,known only as sabbathdei,is a complete and utter “bad arse” but nice with it.That is all.

And to bring this swiftly to a close because I fancy a cuppa,I’m still not married,still can’t drive,still love Duran Duran and am still totally single.

I thank you.

Next time…I’ll think of something serious to write about,I promise…

I am THIS angry...

I am THIS angry...

We interrupt this transmission to bring you an urgent RantFlash!!

So…

You ask someone else why I don’t text you anymore…

Oh….you wonder where I am?

Well…this is just a wild guess…but how about on the other end of the fekking phone?

See that last text I sent you….look at all those numbers attached to it…they mean something.

They have power.Magical powers of communication.

Do you really expect me to run around after you like a lovesick puppy?

I think you probably do…

It must be good to have that kind of power over someone…

Well,you see,it’s like this….I haven’t texted you because of one,small but important reason…

I don’t want to.I’d very nearly forgotten you existed.

If I thought you were worth pursuing I would have been texting you like crazy,but the fact that you never texted me on your own initiative told me something.It told me you weren’t interested.

So…no texts.

And you’re too far away anyway.

Now,some readers of the female persuasion may say that I’m giving up to easily…that women like it when men chase them.

Well….I don’t want to.

End of.

And….breathe….

Next time…NORMAL SERVICE IS RESUMED

raining_down_by_MurataI don’t go out much…especially if it’s sunny.

I hate the sun,and what the sun does to people,especially here in Wales where hot weather is rarer than rocking-horse shit.

Last week in Tesco,I saw a bloke in t-shirt and shorts…it was pissing down.But because it was July and there had been 5 minutes of sun a fortnight previously,then he had to put the effort in.

I prefer the rain.It covers everything.

It means I can wear a raincoat with the hood pulled right over my head…that way no-one will see me and recognise me.

I hardly ever go out unless I really need to,other than for work purposes.I work early in the morning and so have the afternoons off,but once I’m back in the house I stay there.

I fear I may be becoming anti-social….

…but I truly HATE the outside world.

Remember my soon-to-be 80 year old gin-swiggling neighbour from the very first post? (what do you mean you haven’t read it??)

Well she is now officially 80…she’s like the Queen,she has two birthdays.

And that means another party.

I have received the invite.It’s this Saturday.Starts at midday and carries on until someone calls the police.

I’m still in therapy after the last one.Somehow the thought of seeing her fall on her arse after 15 gins makes me lose the will to live.

Not to mention her sex-starved friends with the wandering hands…great,the only time I’m groped by a woman and it’s a 60 year old…

I shall be giving this one a miss,I think.

Next time–something else…

BettanyHughes

Bettany Hughes

Hello,I’m Bettany Hughes…historian,brainbox and all-round babe,and I’m here to tell you about the history of Cup-A-Soup.

Cup-A-Soup…

The very name resounds throughout history like a great big resounding thing.But it’s story has never been told…until now.

It’s very origins are shrouded in secrecy…some say it came to Earth in a meteorite when dinosaurs walked the planet.

Others that it was dug out of the ground around Stonehenge by druids in the 12th century.

We will never know for sure.

But luckily,thanks to historians throughout the ages,we can piece together the impact of Cup-A-Soup from the Stone Age right up to today.

The very first recorded appearance of Cup-A-Soup in history was during the Roman occupation of Britain.Vast mines were dug across the country to mine raw instant soup in a cup.Many people lost their lives doing this dangerous work due to the fact that Cup-A-Soup,in it’s raw unprocessed form,is highly explosive.

The Romans,besotted with the hug-in-a-mug,held wild Cup-A-Soup parties,especially in the city of Aquae Sulis,now known as Bath.In fact,to this day,all the inhabitants of Bath are addicted to Cup-A-Soup.

But it is not just its importance as a leisure drink that marks out Cup-A-Soup in history.

800px-Harold_dead_bayeux_tapestry

King Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth (possibly)

During the Battle of Bosworth Field,the Plantagenet King Richard III,after a bloody defeat by the hands of Henry Tudor,could be seen wandering the battlefield crying “minestrone,minestrone,my kingdom for a minestrone!”

But he was doomed never to get any.

The Tudor dynasty ruled for quite a bit after this.Henry VIII,who had his first wife,Catherine of Aragon,executed due to her preference for Pot Noodle,declared himself Head of the Church of England and announced that Cup-A-Soup would take the place of wine during Holy Communion.This,historians believe,is in honour of The Last Supper,where Christ served Cup-A-Soup and croutons….the “blood and the body.”

But it was his daughter,the virgin Queen Elizabeth I,who really took the consumption of Cup-A-Soup to new levels.It is

Elizabeth I pictured with her Cup-A-Soup pot and stirrer

Elizabeth I pictured with her Cup-A-Soup pot and stirrer

said she went to war against the Spanish for a laugh after enjoying a box-full of tomato soups in one sitting,and had her sister,Mary,Queen of Scots,beheaded after she secretly finished off the last of the chicken and blamed it on Shakespeare.In fact,it is rumoured that Shakespeare himself did indeed have a fondness for the powder-based snack,and was believed to have slipped references into his plays,such as Macbeth-“Double double,toil and trouble,fire burn,and golden vegetable bubble.”

In more recent times,Queen Victoria,named her 9 children after Cup-A-Soup varieties,and it was also instrumental during World War II when it was used as fuel for Spitfires.

Long-haired hippies high on Cup-A-Soup,yesterday....

Long-haired hippies high on Cup-A-Soup,yesterday....

During the Woodstock festival in the 1960s,long-haired hippie students,eager for that extra kick from Cup-A-Soup,took to snorting it straight from the sachet.However,some festival goers suffered ill effects due to a certain type of inferior “soup-in-a-cup” that was circulated through the crowds.This was later analysed and discovered to be Tesco’s own brand.

Of course,Cup-A-Soup has survived into the modern age,thanks in part to the discovery in 1969 that the moon is made from it.It is rumoured that this is the source of the snack,and that a government conspiracy exisits to cover up the existence of extra-terrestrial Cup-A-Soup miners.

Do aliens mine Cup-A-Soup on the moon?

Do aliens mine Cup-A-Soup on the moon?

Whatever its origins,one thing is for sure,Cup-A-Soup is great,(especially tomato) and is enjoyed all over the world  (but especially in Bath) for its tastiness and not-exactly-rocket-science preparation requirements.Because of this it is particularly popular amongst single men from Wales,and is made by the company Bachelors to this day.

Next time–I try not to be so easily led and get back to more important issues ;)p

"What do you mean you don't follow @ComedyQueen?"

"What do you mean you don't follow @ComedyQueen?"

Oh,dear.

He’s been and gone and done it.

But in some considerable style.

“Too many twits might make a twat”

I’d give my right arm for a one-liner like that.

David Cameron has single-handedly shown the Conservative Party’s ignorance of the Zeitgeist.

He’s sooo not down with the kids,man.

Now,some people may argue that it doesn’t matter,that Twitter is just something “the kids” do,like taking drugs and knifing each other.And,granted,the kinds of people who would vote Tory have probably never even heard of computers let alone Twitter.

But it’s clear that any chance Cameron had of engaging with the youth of Britain (the ones old enough to vote,specifically) has just gone out the window.Because if there’s one thing that Twitter users hate more than anything else,even more than when they can’t see their friend’s replies to people they don’t follow (get over it) is when their favourite pastime is criticised as being something pointless or stupid.

"I strongly urge all Party members to follow @sabbathdei...his blog rules"

"I strongly urge all Party members to follow @sabbathdei...his blog rules"

Let’s change the Twitter habit of a lifetime and get things in perspective.David Cameron didn’t call Twitter users twats-even though that’s what everybody is reporting.What he actually meant was someone in his position has to be careful what he says.One single wrong word in a tweet could end his career.

At least,I hope that’s what he meant…otherwise he truly is shafted.

I can’t bring myself to totally care,due to the fact that I never have,and certainly never will,vote Conservative.I’m Welsh,and that is just not done in Wales…except in the last Euro Elections,but we’ll gloss over that.

Either way,we will never experience the joy of reading Cameron’s tweets…never will we learn of the Tory leader’s recommendations for #followfriday…

To the Twitterverse I shall only say this…calm down.It’s only David Cameron,he’s not really worth making a fuss of.

But it’s still a killer line…pure genius.

“Too many twits might make a twat”

Remember that when you’re poised over your keyboard.

Next time–DEFINITELY The History Of Cup-A-Soup…unless Gordon Brown slags off Youtube….

100! Watt?

Posted: July 28, 2009 in Life
Tags: , ,

64246-funny-pictures-lightbulb-cat-get-a-lifeMy living room bulb just conked out.

Not in the usual way,where you flick the switch and it spectacularly futs out with a satisfying “ting”.

It just sort of came on,flickered a bit,and then kinda faded out….like it’s precious lifeforce had been drained out of it…

Rather sad,really…

Mind you,my living room light switch tasted blood a long time ago….it never misses a chance to satisfy its bulb lust.I cannot honestly remember ever having to change a bulb in any other room of the house…and I’ve been here nearly 13 years.

It is voracious.

But that’s not really the point I’m trying to make…because thanks to our lovely government,we are now unable to toddle to the electrical shop and purchase lovely bright and shiny 100 watt bulbs which has been our God-given right for so many years.

They want us instead to invest in “energy-saving” bulbs,because,according to a government white-paper on the subject,every time you switch on a 100 watt bulb,a fairy dies.And so in order to protect the fairies of Planet Earth,we have to use these-

Tri-Prong & Mr.Whippy,The Happy Bulb Men,yesterday...

Tri-Prong & Mr.Whippy,The Happy Bulb Men,yesterday...

Scientifically proven to be kind to fairies and other imaginary woodland creatures,(Hobbits,Aslan,The Big Bad Wolf etc…)they also last for 47,789 years and make you irresistible to the opposite sex…which is handy because,as you’ll know if you’ve actually used them,they make your house look like a Soho shop front.

My only experience with them is from a free sample I got in the post,a box of three Tri-Prongs.

I broke 2 trying to fit the fekkers.They’re as fragile as a very fragile thing…like an eggshell,and apparently they contain small traces of Mercury…lovely.

I tried one in my living room,one of the minus 10 watts buggers which are supposed to be equivalent to 60 watts.

This is not true.The “light” was vomit-inducingly gloomy.

They say they take a while to “warm-up” to full strength…also false.

I put it in the bathroom light…unless I start taking baths at midnight it should be OK.

My father absolutely swears by them,fitted them all over my parent’s house.

And why,you may ask,has my old man fallen for the government’s evil ploy?

Simple….these bulbs are as cheap as fekkin chips,otherwise he wouldn’t touch ’em.My local Lidl was selling a box of 10 for about 40p.

Hmm…

Tomorrow I shall take a walk to my local independent electrician….he’s still selling 100 watt bulbs,something that will probably soon be a crime,so he has to shift them before he gets his collar felt.

Lightbulbs…..illegal lightbulbs…

Anyone know how many candles I’d need to reach 100 watts?

Next time….A History of Cup-A-Soup

Dalek Invasion 2nd Phase-Operation Kitchen

Dalek Invasion 2nd Phase-Operation Kitchen

10.Katy Manning

In 1978 Katy Manning,who played companion Jo Grant opposite Jon Pertwee,posed naked with a Dalek for Girls Illustrated magazine.

Hmm….

That’s it really…

9.Peri’s Tits

These were twin companions to the 5th/6th Doctors,rumoured to belong to actress Nicola Bryant who played companion Peri Brown,who spent much of her time on Doctor Who poured into life-threateningly tight outfits in an attempt to get more men to watch the programme.Not that her face was ever seen,with cameramen preferring to zoom straight down her cleavage at every opportunity.This was a blatantly sexist move on the part of the show’s producers and I would have written a strongly worded letter of complaint if I’d had any feeling left in my right hand due to-…..umm that time I sprained it playing rugby…

8.I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek by The Go-Gos

Nothing to do with Belinda Carlisle’s first group,this was a 1960s novelty record realeased to cash-in on the Dalekmania craze.It contains the following verse-

I’m gonna spend my Christmas with a Dalek

And hug him underneath the miseltoe

And if he’s very nice,I’ll feed him sugar spice

And hang a Christmas stocking from his big left toe.

Really.

7.Beatrix Lehmann in The Stones Of Blood

This veteran actress played Professor Amelia Rumford in this 4th Doctor story and is remembered for one overriding characteristic….she is barking mad,and when you’re sharing a studio with Tom Baker,that’s some achievement.Indeed,Baker spends most of their scenes together in a state of bemused befuddlement because he’s finally found someone madder than he is.He met his eccentric match…Beatrix Lehmann out-Tom Bakered Tom Baker.

No mean feat.

6.The Moment My Son Saw The Light

Watch the episode “Dalek” (yes,the @dean_cummings one…read his blog,The Other Place,the link is over there).Rose,feeling sorry for the captive Dalek,allows it to escape and start bringing the pain.At one point  it sticks its plunger into a pc screen to suck up some juice from the mains.And why is this moment on this hallowed list?

Because this is the precise moment that my son became a Doctor Who fan.He exclaimed “This is cool” and came to snuggle up to me on the sofa.The torch had been passed.When I was his age I never dreamed that one day I’d be watching Doctor Who with my son.He made an old man very happy,and now he’s a confirmed Tennant fan,but despite that he’s a good kid.

5.My biscuit barrel is in the shape of the TARDIS.

Garibaldi Of The Daleks (yes I know they're custard creams)

Garibaldi Of The Daleks (yes I know they're custard creams)

4.Target novelisations

Imagine if you can a world without youtube,dvds,digital tv,even videos.

Welcome to the 1970s.

Repeats of Doctor Who were extremely rare,so how were we,the dribbling bespectacled fans,ever to get a glimpse of the hallowed early years?

By reading about them,in the paperback novelisations from Target books.

Usually only about 150 pages long,usually written by Terrance Dicks,and usually with a totally scary cover.

GIANT OCTOPUS!

GIANT OCTOPUS!

The best cover EVER

The best cover EVER

Virtually all of the original series’ stories were novelised in this way,and are as much a part of Doctor Who history as the programme itself.The book enabled the anorak-wearing masses to discover the stories shown before they were born.

Many fans will tell you of the near-orgasmic excitement of finding a rare Target book in a charity shop or jumble sale…it is a well known fact that all Doctor Who fans can spot one of these slim & sexy volumes sitting on an Oxfam shelf even if it’s crushed between a couple of Barbara Cartlands….it’s the white spine and Target logo,you see (see the top right of the books in the pics)…it means only one thing.Spot it a mile off.

153 different novelisations were published between 1973-1994….and I’ve got the bloody lot.

Every single buggering one…and they’re all arranged on my bookshelves in chronological order,as the stories were shown on television.

It’s a fan thing.

3.The Big Finish audio drama -“Red”

This is No.85 in the series of original Doctor Who dramas made by Big Finish.It stars Sylvester McCoy as the 7th Doctor and is in 4 parts.

And why is it on the list?

Mine’s signed by Bonnie Langford!!!!!!

2.The New Adventures

Nuttier than squirrel shit,The New Adventures were a range of original Doctor Who books released after the proper series ended between 1991 and 1997 by Virgin Books (who better to publish books for spotty,bespectacled Who fans…how did they know??)  Russell T.Davies wrote one called “Damaged Goods” which is one of the best…not sure what happened to his writing skills after that…? To give you a complete rundown of the utterly barking stuff that went on in them would take a blog of its own,and you’d have to be able to think like a hardcore Doctor Who fan….not something that one should enter into lightly.Once described as like “selling a dead horse to gullible anoraks” ,the books introduced Who fans to the most horrific,terrifying,smelly,scary,sticky monster the Doctor ever met…

….SEX!!!

And lots of it.And sometimes between two people of the same species.

I’ve got every one of them,too…

1.Jon Pertwee-Who Is The Doctor?

This is a 1972 single recorded by Jon Pertwee,and released on Deep Purple’s record label.Pertwee narrates  lyrics to the Doctor Who theme.

Oh wait…I forgot to tell you how totally,utterly,gob-smackingly,trouser-troublingly,effingly,completely and utterly sodding excellent it is.ONLY Jon Pertwee could have pulled this off…it’s the best version of the Who theme that never was.I could listen to it all day….and very often do.It sums up what Doctor Who is all about.

And here,for your viewing and listening pleasure,is that very same audio orgasm.

Baby I can’t drive your car…

Posted: July 27, 2009 in Life
Tags: , , , ,

Confession time again…

This one causes me even more embarrassment than my silly name but seeing as I’m laying my soul bare here on a daily basis,I don’t see any harm in it.

You see…I can’t drive.

I am 38 years old.

Not exactly a bird-pulling confession,is it?

My usual excuse is that I cannot afford to book a course of driving lessons,theory and practical tests,let alone buy and run a car.

The real reason is that I’m afraid I will take road rage to new,undreamed of levels.

I can’t walk down a street without tutting inwardly a hundred times if someone stops in front of me to chat to a friend who of course they haven’t seen for 100 bloody years so have to relate their entire life story….I’m well known in my local Tesco for trolley rage.I mean,it’s like some people have all bloody day to stand around talking when you’re trying to get to the Cup-A-Soups and they’re there gassing to their friends and they’ve got their trolleys parked across the whole bloody aisle and they’ve got enormous arses and you can’t get past them and you stand there like a pillock and give them a funny look until they move and you can hear them talking about you behind your back………..and breathe…

Brmm Brmm!

Brmm Brmm!

As you can tell,I absolutely love shopping.

But I digress.

You see I’ve never needed to learn to drive,because I live within walking distance of the town,work,shops etc.And so I put it off…and put it off…until it’s almost become too late.

And…something else…something deeper.

I’ve always thought that I wasn’t cool enough to drive,that I wasn’t supposed to own a car and do all the things that normal men do.As you will know if you’ve read my other posts,I’m not exactly brimming with confidence.I have lived my whole life not being expected to live up to people’s expectations.

But then…I’m far too old now to actually give a monkey’s.I’m giving advance warning to all road users…I’m going to learn to drive before I’m too senile to remember which button does what.I want to take my old mum to Tesco….I want to go to Halfords and buy one of those dangly air fresheners…I want to drive through built-up areas at 3am with some sweet drum & bass thumping out of my 3000 watt sound-system…(well perhaps not that,although everybody else seems to do it…is it in the highway code?)

I’m going to do what I want to do for once…driving is my Final Frontier,my Mount Everest and other pretentious metaphors,something I have to do to improve my life.

Either that or get a girlfriend who can drive…hmmm…actually I think I’ll just learn to drive,at least that’s not completely impossible…

Next time-Staircases-A Step-by-Step Guide

Me on webcam,yesterday...

Me on webcam,yesterday...

This blog is nearly a week old.

And this is the 11th update.Which is quite shocking…I never thought I’d get past the first one,or whether anyone would want to read my self-indulgent ramblings.

And that is what blogging is all about really…indulging yourself.After all,you’re going to be talking about yourself.I once described blogging on Twitter (not that anybody noticed) as being like masturbating in public.You get all the pleasure,and everybody else is embarrassed.

This was the thought going through my head when I decided to write a blog…(no not masturbating in Tesco,blogging.)

Would anybody even be interested enough to take time out to read it?

What do I even write about?

How much do I write?

Do I try to be funny…not that I know how to do that anyway,and if you do find anything funny while you read my blog,keep it to yourself otherwise everybody will want one.

In the end I decided to do what I’ve been doing all my life…making it up as I go along.I say what I’m thinking and keep writing until I can’t think of anything else to say.If it makes any kind of sense to someone then I’m happy.

If it doesn’t then I’m still happy.

Because in a funny way writing this blog has made me happy…and that takes some doing.The blog has been visited nearly 200 times,made some people laugh (don’t worry,they’re receiving treatment),confused others.I haven’t angered anyone yet but you can’t have everything.

Thank you for sticking by my literary lunacy this far,and I hope you tag along for the ride.

Next time-due to overwhelming popular demand…it’s…10 MORE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT DOCTOR WHO !!!