Archive for November, 2009

I couldn't find a photo of Tom Baker...so here's a pic of his son

Yes….I know what you’re thinking….

“Didn’t he blog that he had forgiven Tennant for his sins in the light of the new boy looking totally awful?”

Well I did…but I hadn’t seen the latest “Special” when I wrote that.

Shown last Sunday,The Waters Of Mars (or The Impossible Planet,or 42,or any episode from the last few seasons,it doesn’t matter which one you choose because they all have the same plot) was co-written by Russell T. Davies…and you could tell–55 minutes of overacting/running around aimlessly/rubbish jokes/gurning and a quite interesting 5 minutes at the end.

But by then it’s too bloody late,Russell….and isn’t it about time you collected your P45?

And why didn’t she shoot Tennant in the back….that’s what I would have done…but enough of my fantasies…

And why,once again,were the monsters utterly rubbish?  Fecking embarrassing….though it was nice to see Trina from Eastenders alive and well…so to speak…

And why is The Master in the bloody Christmas episode…..and still played by John Simm?

And why is it going to be 2 bloody hours long?

And why is Tennant outstaying his welcome?

And why does he even exist?

What people don’t seem to understand is that I don’t hate David Tennant,the person….I am a lifelong Who fan,and speak from that perspective.Therefore,I refuse to sit idly by while MY programme is totally ruined.One of Tennant’s biggest faults is that he’s playing a part….the best Doctors played themselves-Hartnell,Pertwee,Tom Baker (Tom IS really like that).Doctor Who is not a role you should “act”…you either “are” The Doctor or you’re not. You have to BE The Doctor.

Tennant doesn’t even use his real accent-’nuff said.

Ah,I hear you scream,the show now has many more fans than it did in the old days…

I’ll admit it has more fans,yes….but not the right kind.

Quite frankly—–these “fans” don’t deserve to be “fans”.

YOU DON’T DESERVE DOCTOR WHO.

Where were you when it was axed?

Did you queue up at HMV at midnight to buy the video of the Doctor Who TV movie starring Paul McGann as the totally excellent Eighth Doctor?

Did you queue for 3 hours to get Peter Davison’s autograph at Longleat in 1983 at the 20 years of Doctor Who Celebration (the Woodstock of Who)?

Do you have a complete collection of The New Adventures?

So you think you’re a Doctor Who fan because you’ve got a DVD boxset…..

Tell me then…who are Faction Paradox? What is Compassion? What’s the date of the Dalek Invasion of Earth? What’s the Zero Room? In which story is the sonic screwdriver introduced? What’s the Eye Of Harmony?

Have you heard of these companions—Bernice Summerfield,Anji Kapoor,Chris Cwej,Charlotte Pollard,Erimem,Fey Truscott-Sade?

Did you know that First Doctor companion,Dodo,leaves the TARDIS after contracting a sexually transmitted alien disease,or that one of the bodies that the Second Doctor is offered as his new incarnation at his trial is the face of the dictator in the parallel universe in the story Inferno? Or that in Alien Bodies,several races of aliens turn up at an auction to bid on the Doctor’s corpse?

Have you read these books-Transit,Love And War,Nightshade,The Infinity Doctors,Casualties Of War,Interference?

To paraphrase Michael Caine in Get Carter-

“You’re a Doctor Who fan,but you’re knowledge is in bad shape—for me,it’s a full-time job—now behave yourselves.”

I would like to write a Doctor Who episode. (a childhood dream,actually)

It will not be a “scary” story…because if people think that Blink is “scary” then they have no idea what true horror is,and my efforts will be wasted.

No,I shall not scare the little kids (the only ones,along with the true fans,who will still be watching now that the ladies’ favourite has left—just wait for the ratings drop).

Instead,I shall mess with their heads.

I’ll have the so-called “fans” doubting their very sanity…I’ll show them what Doctor Who means—I’ll shove it right down their bloody throats.

I know stuff about Doctor Who that would make your teeth curl,but because the show has been dumbed down and turned into Hollyoaks,the production team don’t want to take any risks,so we won’t get any truly original and creative stories ever again.

Expect more “surprise” appearances by Billie Piper and the Daleks and Russell’s Carnival of Crap Monsters.That’s why they keep bringing the Daleks and the Master and the Shit Cybermen back-because the new monsters are rubbish.

It’s all about the merchandise….all about the BBC making money.

Hmm….got a little ranty there.

I’ve decided I won’t be doing any more Tennant-bashing….I’ll just stick a pin in my Tenth Doctor action figure from time to time.

I shall leave you to your Xmas “special” with it’s half-formed ideas,lame running gags,overacting,gurning and a third-rate actor jumping around like a twat .

TTFN 🙂

P.S Bring on Matt Smith!!!

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michael-caine

His name.......is Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, Jr

…and then what will we do? 

It is a truly unthinkable prospect… Michael Caine is nothing short of a National Treasure,one of the greatest screen actors of his generation…able to star in The Swarm and still show his face in public.

Like time itself,Michael Caine is a Universal Constant….when he goes,everything goes.

The human race,clinging to the blasted remnants of the planet Earth,will be left to scavenge among the ruins of British cinema,struggling to find scant solace in the “talents” of Danny Dyer…

Get Carter will be remade with John Barrowman in the lead role….

The Caine rules….simple as that….there is not a single actor working today who is his equal.

Here’s just a few reasons why…

  • On Jaws-The Revenge- “I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” You see,young Michael has often made a film purely for the financial rewards,rather than the artistic ones….but full credit to him for actually admitting it.In his own words…”If one has a very high standard of living,one sometimes has to do a very low standard of movie.” But even his crap ones are way better than most of today’s Hollywood films….
  • Classic lines-
  • The Ipcress File-“I am going to cook you….the best meal…you have ever tasted.” Then he does.
  • Get Carter-Caine tells the future Alf Roberts from Corrie-“You’re a big man,but you’re in bad shape.For me it’s a full-time job-now behave yourself.” Later,he chucks Alf off a multi-storey car-park.
  • Alfie-“My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.”
  •  The Swarm-“Look out,the killer bees are coming,and there’s nothing we can do about it!”
  • Jaws-The Revenge-“Look out,the rubbish-looking rubber shark is coming,and there’s nothing we can do about it!”
  • Blame It On Rio-“Look out,this film is shit,and there’s nothing I can do about it!”
  • Glasses-The cinema’s most famous four-eyes.In The Ipcress File,Caine plays British spy Harry Palmer…gets the girl,sorts out the villain and looks uber-cool-all while wearing NHS specs.And a brown raincoat,proving you didn’t have to look like James Bond to BE James Bond…speaking of which…
  • Get Carter-In one scene,Caine is “enjoying” the company of his landlady when some heavies storm into his bedroom and get a bit lairy.Retrieving a shotgun from under the bed,he forces them out of the house into the street at gunpoint…he is also buck-nekkid.But is his chest pumped up beyond all human decency? Does he look like he’s been in the gym for 6 months straight? No…he looks like a normal bloke…but make no mistake,he is one hard mutha,and will take you to a world of pain.
  • Mrs.Shakira Caine-Michael Caine saw his future wife on a TV advert for coffee,decided immediately that he was going to marry her,found out where she was staying in London,went there,met her and married her.He came,he saw…he chuffing conquered.Respect is due.
  • Gongs-One of only two actors to have been nominated for an Oscar for acting in every decade since the 60s (Jack Nicholson is the other)…he has won 2.
  • Chelsea fan-’nuff said 😉

All hail The Caine….if he didn’t exist we would have to invent him…

We shall never see his like again.