Archive for March, 2010

As Yoda once said….

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

….but Yoda was 2 feet tall,looked like a scrotum and never won any of his lightsabre duels.

HATE IS GREAT.

I am often accused of having very high standards and of thinking that the world desperately wants to hear my opinion on whatever subject is currently passing through my chakra.Granted,the main subject does tend to be Doctor Who,a television programme very close to my heart,a topic on which I have several definitive theories,the product of painstaking original research over a timespan of 30 years.This qualifies me to say that Tom Baker (hallowed be His name) is the best Doctor Who ever….saying David Tennant is just because you fancy him when you haven’t seen the programme in it’s entirety is,frankly,sad.

But I digress.

I LOVE TO HATE.

I AM A HATER.

AND I AM PROUD TO BE A HATER….EVERYTHING THAT YOU HOLD DEAR,I HATE.

And there is an awful lot to hate these days….Cheryl Cole,”Prof.” Brian Cox,those Morrison ads with Richard Hammond,Hollyoaks,Skins,The Gadget Show,Steve Ryder,Ben Fogle,James Corden,Jimmy Carr,the fact that Eva Mendes isn’t in my bedroom RIGHT NOW,burnt toast,bus stations,Kate Humble,John Barrowman,Gavin & Stacey,Matt Smith,David Tennant (although his career is at an end so thankfully we won’t see much of him from now on),did I mention Cheryl Cole ?,people who don’t like Lady Gaga…..I could go on…

Shall I ?

OK then….

……endless tv shows called things like “100 most amusing things pulled out of someone’s arse”,anything starring Cheryl Cole,Cheryl Cole,any kind of dancing/skating/shagging/twatting-about “celebrity” reality thing,Americans,Matt Baker,”Sir” Steve Redgrave,the former somebody but now unemployed nobody,the fact that 6Music is being axed when John Barrowman continues to contaminate my screen,Russell T. Davies and what he’s done to Doctor Who,my complete failure to win the lottery,the BBC stealing my licence fee to make another series of Snog,Marry Avoid?,people who say “could of” instead of “could have”,Stephen Fry.Jonathan Ross,Most Haunted,Russell Brand,that fat twat on the GoCompare ad,you know the opera singer (dodgy claim to fame-I was in school with him….I don’t hate HIM,per se…it’s just couldn’t he have picked a less annoying advert?),having to go to the toilet in the middle of a film at the cinema,Tom Cruise’s teeth,Rhod Gilbert (dodgy claim to fame #2-his mother taught French at my secondary school-she was funnier),and finally,Cheryl Cole….oh and David Tennant.

Name anything…..I guarantee you that that I hate it.

But I’m happy in my house of hate….and I shall be firmly ensconced therein this coming weekend when the new “Doctor Who” starts with missing link Matt Smith…

Just to forewarn you….I shall be hating BIGTIME,because there is no physical way that the new series can be anything but utter shit….

…BUT…

…if,by some weird,unholy,unnatural,wrong conjunction of the stars I actually like it (and I will give it a chance for one episode,I’m kind like that),then I will eat my own SPLEEN,in public,date and venue to be announced.

 I shall be also live-tweeting during the episode,so you’d better unfollow me sharpish if you get offended by the words “dump”,”fucking lame shit”,”childish dumbed down bollocks” and “bring Tom Baker back pdq”.

TTFN!

See.This.Film.

NOW.

Well….read this first.Then go.

After the disappointment of Alice In Wonderland I am happy to report that Matt In Camoland has restored my faith in cinema.

Matt Damon (Matt Damon!) plays a Chief Warrant Officer,Roy Miller,in Baghdad who,along with his squad of badasses,is charged with finding suspected WMD sites…trouble is,when they get there,all they find is,basically…nothing.Zip.Nada.Questioning the intelligence received by his superiors,which they claim is reliable,brings our Matt to the attention of the wrong kind of people who would rather he didn’t shoot his mouth off so much.

Soon he finds himself on the receiving end of a Special Forces badass played by Jason Isaacs,who grew a terrifying handlebar moustache especially for the role-it is,quite simply,the greatest ‘tache in the history of cinema.You know he’s hard as nails because he looks like one of The Village People…and he doesn’t even care.Just try growing one yourself (men only) and see how far you get.

Matt tended to get tetchy when anyone mentioned Team America

Matt goes AWOL to find an Iraqi general who knows the truth about the WMD…but some would prefer it if the general was kept quiet,and he finds himself hunted by the enemy and his own side.

Sound exciting?

Well it is…very.Exciting and loud.Directed by Paul Greengrass,responsible for The Bourne Supremacy/Ultimatum,Green Zone features the same nervy camerawork and gritty realism that made these films so successful.Matt Damon,in one of his best performances, is on blistering form as he searches for the truth….he is perfectly cast as Miller,able to be physical without making a joke of it;an action hero with integrity.There are also excellent turns from the aforementioned ‘tache-meister Jason Isaacs and Brendan Gleeson as a CIA operative who helps Miller uncover the truth;there is also very good support from the actors playing the Iraqi general and informant-scary and sad respectively.

The action (hardly) ever lets up-it’s a kind of cinema version of Call of Duty-Modern Warfare-you’re dropped straight into the action on the war-torn streets of Baghdad and left to fend for yourself.The movie clocks in at just short of 2 hours but you wouldn’t think it-the pace is so frenetic,the action so relentless,that the time flies.The only real flaw of the film is in the conclusion-there is obviously a need for closure in a Hollywood blockbuster,which Green Zone,at the end of the day,clearly is,despite it’s timely “message” about Iraq and WMD.Despite this,Green Zone is an intelligent thriller,delivering brains as well as brawn,and I recommend you see it,soon as.

9/10

First of all,let me say that I have never been a big fan of 3D,and Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland does nothing to change that view.The viewer is constantly bombarded with flying objects and weird insects buzzing,seemingly,within inches of your face to show off the 3D effect,none of which add anything to the story.Yes,the effect works-but to the obvious detriment of the film.

I’m sorry to say,this film is a shambles,and unworthy of Tim Burton.

The film is a sequel of sorts to the original Alice In Wonderland story,not a faithful adaptation of it,and at times veers dangerously into Lord Of The Rings/Chronicles of Narnia territory,with a big climactic battle scene and lots of talk about heroes and destiny.Think of it as a kind of mash-up of Alice In Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass,with particular emphasis on the Jabberwocky poem in the latter.The film builds up to the final battle between (sort-of) good and evil where Alice fulfills her destiny by slaying the Jabberwocky with,as I’m sure you know,the Vorpal Blade.I’m not entirely sure that bit was in the book,but that doesn’t stop Tim Burton.

Starring Mia Wasikowska as a 19 year-old Alice,a rebellious teenager who remembers nothing about her previous visit to Wonderland,the story takes place in a drastically changed world under the despotic rule of the bulbous-headed Red Queen,played wonderfully by Helena Bonham-Carter-the best performance in the entire movie.Wasikowska is also very good as Alice,and these two performances just about manage to save the film from being a complete disaster.Johnny Depp on the other hand is less impressive,playing The Mad Hatter in such a way that one feels any actor could have been cast in the role.His name is undoubtedly still a big draw,but the most ardent Depp fans may be disappointed.Elsewhere,Stephen Fry voices the Cheshire Cat and Matt Lucas plays both Tweedledum & Tweedledee;I was pleasantly surprised (and relieved) that both actors’ performances rise above the dreaded tag of “stunt-casting.”

If I had to make a comparison with this film and another,I would say Return To Oz,the notorious sequel to Wizard Of Oz which has become famous for being a “bit wrong,” where Oz has gone to the dogs and Dorothy gets a dose of ECT.Although this is a children’s film,younger sprogs may find themselves “touching cloth” at certain moments especially when the Bandersnatch and Jabberwocky are on screen.Unless I needed to polish my 3D specs,this is a very dark film in both tone and visuals.

All in all,I was disappointed with this film….despite there being a lot on screen to catch the eye,there is very little meat in this sandwich.3D gimmicks,a thin story and a lacklustre performance from Johnny Depp spoil what could have been a triumph for Tim Burton.Whether the 2D version would be any better is a question that I am not in any particular hurry to answer.

5/10

Well it’s St.David’s Day once again….Dydd Gwyl Dewi as we say round these parts.

Children all over Wales will be donning their traditional Welsh costumes,or in some cases a Welsh rugby shirt-see below for the proper thing-

When I was a nipper,there was a competition on the day for the best leek…

Yes…leek.

In the 70s,it was acceptable,one day a year,to go to school with a f***ing vegetable on your chest.

All the boys wore a real leek pinned to their very 70s jumpers and tank-tops (in my case—I totally rocked the knitted-by-my-mum tank-top look back in the day.)

Sadly,the judging took place towards the end of the day,by which time the rough kids had started knibbling on their veg.This was okay if they stuck to the green bits,but some brave souls moved on to the bulbous white bit at the bottom-which is in no way shape or form edible.

I never won.

I obtained my produce from an old chap up the road from my house…I ALWAYS managed to end up with a crappy,weedy looking one.

Mind you,I did look rather weedy in those days so perhaps the old adage “every boy gets the leek he deserves” is true,because some boys had absolutely massive buggers,making them almost bent double with the weight of their vegetables.

Mine was never big enough…

Size MATTERED in the 1970s….

You had to have a big leek to impress the girls….and you had to make sure your bulbous bit was clean and the straggly bits at the bottom neatly combed.

That must be where I’ve been going wrong all these years…

HAPPY ST.DAVID’S DAY!!!!