Archive for April, 2010

As part of Hate Is Great season,here we go again with another acid-filled blog all about things which “grind my gears.”

1.We’ll start with an easy one…..if you say “could of” and “would of” instead of “could have” or “would have”….I know where you live,and I’m sending the boys round as we speak.

2.Dan Brown-just because.

3.Post Offices-they sell everything now…credit cards,home/holiday/car/life insurance,telephony/mortgages…all of which they attempt to flog you when all you want is a stamp.No wonder the queues are always spewing out the door.My local P.O. pretty much always has every counter open,to be fair,but they still can’t cope with the backlog of grannies wanting a 2nd class stamp.Less talk,more speed please.

4.Kirstie Allsopp-chunky host of Location etc etc…every week she tells of the sad plight of posh couples who want to buy a 20-bedroom mansion in the country with a budget of only 50 million quid….bless ’em.Awful woman….she’s completely out of touch with reality.In fact she reminds me of a manager I once had,she liked the sound of her own voice….looked like her too.AND Kirstie gets dressed in the dark and is obviously no stranger to jumble sales….I would,though.

5.Books-I’ve got a game for you to play when you’re in WHSmiths next.Pick any new book currently on sale.Now try and buy it at the price printed on the inner flap.You won’t be able to…because this is a complete fantasy to make you think you’re getting a bargain.If anyone reading this can find a new book at the price listed on the cover I will buy it off them,refund their petrol if necessary,and take them out for a slap-up meal at the Harvester of their choice.It’s the norm these days for shops to heavily discount books,to compete with the interweb etc.-why should shop A sell it at 18.99 if shop B and the rest of the alphabet has it at a discount–fair enough,but then whats the point of printing the full price if it can’t actually be bought at that price.

6.People who check their lotto numbers in the shop-Next time you hand over your grubby ticket to the pale Saturday girl and ask her to check if you’re a winner,consider this-do you really expect her to say “Oh congratulations sir,you’ve got all 6 balls and you’re a gazillionaire.Well done,here’s your ticket back.” Or would it be more likely that she’d say “Sorry,you’ve got nothing.” and stuff the winning ticket into her grubby overalls.You’ve only got the machine operator’s word for it.If this is the slapdash way in which you onduct your business,then you deserve to be robbed.This has probably happened more times than you’d think. How do I know this….well,if I was operating a lotto machine and a winning ticket came my way,I’d take it and say nothing…and so would YOU.

7.People who don’t vote and complain about the outcome-In the last European Parliament elections,the BNP gained a couple of seats.Cue much gnashing of teeth from the entire population,many of whom probably didn’t vote or were among the thousands of people who spoiled their voting papers in every constituency.This will probably happen again this May when the General Election rears it’s ugly head….make your vote count,don’t waste it then complain your party didn’t get in.

8.Cheryl Cole-oh,like I need to explain.

9.Anti-smoking loonies-This is the warning next to the booking details for Robert Pattinson’s new film,Remember Me-“Contains infrequent strong language, moderate sex and violence, and smoking.”

Smoking.

Because apparently,smoking has become the number one bogeyman…by all means,let our children see all kinds of murder & blood & guts & shagging on televison,but make sure they don’t see anyone having a sneaky Woodbine because they might take up smoking themselves,even though they already smoke 20 a day.

What’s next ?

 This film contains a man called Brian?

Contains sex,violence and people with bad teeth?

 This film is not suitable for people who don’t like budgies?

We all know where this comes from,which leads me neatly on to the last hate-

EPIC FAIL

10.America-I don’t know where to begin….the utter crapness of this country deserves an entire series of blogs all of  its own.One of God’s biggest mistakes.

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Posted: April 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

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‘Tis I,The Blog Dog…the dog’s dog,the Hocus bloke,the lad himself,the cosmic dick,the mutt’s nuts,here to celebrate my blog reaching the ton! Deidre and I would like to thank all of my fear-fans for their faultless following of my adventures over the past 99 blogs.The little woman and I are currently on holiday in a flashback in Devon,so the blog has been left in the hairy palms of my slave, Rizla…but fear not!! I am,at this very moment,while Deidre puts the dinner on,banging out another existential episode of the orgasmically exciting Marjorie Misnomer series.I do enjoy banging one out of an afternoon..anyway…I’ve also commissioned that fine piece of brainy crackling,Bettany Hughes,to write my life story which will be appearing in the pages of this very blog in the not too distant future,if she can pull her finger out.AND as if that wasn’t enough to make you wet yourself unselfconsciously,I’m also working on the next cranium-cracking chapter of The Necronomnomicon…get in!!!

The future is here,the future is me…a peristaltic smack in the mush,a bunch of fives,madder than a cartload of arseholes,the pan-dimensional scream of terror,the piece of blue cheese you found under the cooker,the standing-in-the-middle-of-Tesco-with an-itchy-arse feeling of helplessness…I am the Hound of the Baskervilles,humping your leg…quite simply,The Blog Dog!

Well…I told you,didn’t I ?

Confession…..I wrote that yesterday,convinced in my mind as I was that the new Doctor Who would be shit.

Well it was…..but not that much.

True,the new title sequence,theme tune,redesign of the TARDIS console room,the new Doctor’s costume,the continuity announcer at the end of the episode who sounded like he was being paid per palpitation,(OK that one doesn’t count) and the continuation of the annoying trend of the female companion having a dopey (although in this case,entertaining) boyfriend—all these factors were appalling.Woeful.Awful.Dumpage.

But these are things that cannot be changed,so there’s not much anyone can do about them…so we don’t need to dwell on them….and as a lifelong Doctor Who fan (I haz the skillz) I am prepared to look beyond a naff title sequence and theme tune arrangment (by turning the sound down) if the stories are up to scratch.I’ve done it before.

First episodes are a curious beast…for every Spearhead From Space there’s a Time And The Rani.(Google them if you don’t know) The Eleventh Hour (Ooh…eleventh Doctor,lasted an hour…see what they did there?),was Matt Smith’s debut gig,and,as the saying goes,very much a game of two halves.

Despite initial misgivings as the Doctor clinged desperately to the TARDIS as it plummeted towards the next plot device,the newboy started to show some glimmers of promise,while obviously haunted by David Tennant.Matt Smith,like the episode itself, was at his best during the first half hour when he wasn’t quite himself,in typical post-regeneration fashion.So good was he,in fact,that I actually said out loud (to myself-don’t judge) “He’s quite good”…and,yes,those words tasted like vinegar 🙂

 As the episode progressed,we were introduced to new companion-in-waiting,Amelia “Amy” Pond who,in quite gobsmackingly perverse fashion,managed to be nowhere near as awful as I had been dreading.Cue more vinegary words….but hey,I can admit to being wrong,I’m all grown-up and mature,like.I’m not the kind of person who slags something off before it’s even started,what do you take me for 😛 ??? (IRONY) I’m entitled to change my mind on a whim…I’m in touch with my feminine side.

I don’t do spoilers (well sometimes),so I won’t go into too much detail,suffice it to say that there’s a slightly naff monster,a bit of running around,a little bit of padding,and what appears to be a bit of a smack in the face for Tennant fans during one of those flashbacks that used to make the fans drool back in the day.That’s assuming there’s any women still watching,of course,what with young Matt’s less-than-perfect boatrace,but then if that’s why you’re watching,then,basically,you shouldn’t be watching.

But enough Tennant-bashing–he’s history,yesterday’s Time Lord. We’ve got a new bloke for the next 12 episodes,which,judging by the trailer,will feature several returning monsters,including the Daleks,Rubbish Cybermen and The Weeping Angels….and this is where Matt Smith will win or fail,by the strength of his stories-he’s pretty much on probation for his first season.Tennant had to gurn his way through some real stinkers,but had neither the presence nor the ability of previous Doctor Who actors to transcend the scripts’ shortcomings.Matt’s showing a glimmer….just a glimmer,mind…of something interesting…whether it develops into anything,we shall have to wait and see.

Time,as it always does,will tell.

P.S I shall be making good on my promise to eat my own spleen in public soon…stay tuned for ticket prices 😛

TTFN!!

          
 

One of these books totally re-invented the vampire genre,bringing neck-pests right up to date,is second only to Bram Stoker’s original novel Dracula,spawned a series of successful films,sold millions of copies and became a global phenomenon,inspiring countless pale young boys and girls…

The other is Twilight.

These are just some of the films that were on telly all the time when I was a nipper–I haven’t seen them since…..it’s like they’ve disappeared off the face of the Earth…

1.Zoltan,Hound of Dracula

Vampire dog eats unsuspecting American campers…what’s not to like?

2.Harvey

Starring James Stewart,this is the one about the bloke with the imaginary friend in the shape of a 6-foot rabbit,funnily enough called Harvey.I saw it once during the 70s,and that was my lot.Honestly….when was the last time you ever saw or heard this film even being mentioned?? (It’s a terrible film,anyway…but well,it’s the principle of the thing…..)

3.Harold & Maude

Bud Cort plays Harold,a teenager obsessed with death who drives a hearse and regularly fakes his own death by staging increasingly elaborate suicide attempts..He meets Maude,played by Ruth Gordon,and an unlikely love affair unfolds.This film was on television pretty much weekly when I was young.It’s an emo’s wet dream,as goth as can be…..time for a remake,think of all the pale young teenagers it could inspire.

4.The Tenant (Le Locataire)

Another cinematic one-night-stand,directed by and starring Roman Polanski (not exactly Mr.Popularity right now,but he has made some of my favourite films),it tells the tale of a chap who moves into an apartment recently vacated by a woman who committed suicide by jumping from the apartment window.Gradually he comes to realise that everyone around him is trying to drive him to take his own life in exactly the same way.A great film for the paranoid.

5.Paris,Texas

Back when Channel 4 was a proper channel that showed programmes and films that people actually wanted to watch,this Wim Wenders film was on telly every month without fail.Starring Nastassja Kinski (who was a source of much comfort to me in my lonely teenage years) in a fluffy pink jumper,and Harry Dean Stanton as her father who is looking for her,Paris,Texas is another film that has been lost down the TV company sofa.(Also worth a mention is the twangy Ry Cooder soundtrack….you know the one I mean even if you’ve never seen the film)

6.Sleuth

The original with Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine this film is rarer than rocking horse doings…although throughout the 80s it was the only film the BBC had.

7.Walkabout

Starring a young Jenny Agutter,the actress single-handedly responsible for the boom in VCR sales during the 80s (but that’s another story),it tells the tale of a schoolgirl and her young brother lost in the Australian outback.Our Jenny “loosens her clothing” (well it’s hot in Oz) quite a lot…this film definitely DOES NOT feature any steam trains.You might think that there is a perfectly logical reason for all this wanton “nuddiness” …when you’re a teenage boy,you don’t need a reason.The BBC clearly needed no justification for showing this every Friday night on BBC 2.

8.The Anniversary

Official legend Bette Davis plays the eye-patch wearing,manipulative matriarch to three sons who come to her house for an annniversary party.One of the sons likes to wear women’s undies,another takes his missus to bed only to discover his mum’s glass eye waiting for them on the pillow.Our Bette is the ultimate bitch….she has to be seen to be believed.

9.The Incredible Melting Man

The title says it all,really.There’s this man……….and he melts.It’s excellent.

10.The Appointment

There are quite a few films with this title…the one I’m thinking of stars the late,great Edward Woodward.Unable to attend his doting daughter’s violin recital due to a business appointment,Ed experiences malevolent forces whilst driving to the meeting,brought into being by his psychic daughter.As you might expect,it ends badly.The boy Woodward never had much luck in films…

TTFN!!