Archive for August, 2010

Kismet & Ketamine share everything....

Kismet & Ketamine shared everything

House Misnomer stood,proud and erect,in rolling,boiling gardens of green….a craggy edifice swaddled in an emerald gown.Usually…

On this particular day,a dark blemish marred the lush lawns…a black tumour.It was Marjorie,doing something unmentionable with a courgette.Gesundheit the Marrow was sat nearby,reading the Financial Times.

“Gold’s up.” he murmured,topically.

Into this idyll shambled the syphilitic,quadruped form of the Misnomer “twins”,Kismet & Ketamine.They hoved nightmarishly into view,blocking the sun and causing Gesundheit to shuffle off,tutting,in search of sufficient light to study the performance of his stock portfolio,which,with the demise of the entire Misnomer family,was considerable.

“Kismet is bored.”

“Ketamine is bored.”

Marjorie put the psychotic veggie to one side and looked up at her sisters-they were truly a sight to behold,even by her own rather,shall we say,unique standards.Not,as has been previously documented,genuine twins;not even similar in looks,height,weight or perversion,or even of the same age,they were, however, eternally bonded,down the side, into one appalling whole.

Marjorie sighed.”Now girls,you know we’re having Tallulah Miggins for tea later on.I’ve prepared an extra-special feast..cake,cucumber sandwiches and lashings of ginger beer.And then we’re going to play croquet,hopscotch and dress up our dollies in pretty dresses.” She jigged up and down,grinning hugely at the thought.

Kismet and Ketamine stared at each other,a look of bewilderment and incomprehension on their faces,then looked back at Marjorie.

Marjorie met their double-gaze.She was still grinning,but now in some awful,wrong way.

“Then I’m going to drive the little bitch out of her mind.”


A short distance away from the lush yet fatal lawns of House Misnomer stood a small cottage,entirely pink inside and out,incidentally next door to the cottage that once belonged to the late Sheila Lemony-Marchbanks.

One could,if one were suitably inclined,assume that Marjorie was working through the village in a methodical way,cottage by cottage,street by street.

And you would be correct in that assumption,for within this cottage lived the unfortunate guest of honour of the aforementioned tea-party.

Tallulah Miggins,blissfully unaware of the programme of events that was being planned,and seemingly oblivious to the mass murder that had become the norm within the stately grounds of House Misnomer,but instead focused on her afternoon tea appointment at the big house,and the need to dress for the occasion,etiquette being one of her “things,” was at this very moment trying on various outfits in her boudoir and soliciting constructive comments from her two dolls,Hollyoaks and Madame Flange,who were sat to attention on their Special Chairs. She had been doing this for quite some time.

Tallulah,who was pretty “special” herself,twirled gaily in a pink taffeta frock in front of the dolls.

“Well,ladies,will I do ?” she asked them.

Hollyoaks and Madame Flange,being two particularly fine examples of Victorian porcelain dolls,blinked their eyes twice in the affirmative.They didn’t much care what dress Tallulah wore that afternoon,but had been promised tea and cake and were in haste to be gone,so they were relieved when she appeared to have made a final satorial decision.They also aware that Tallulah had an almost infinite collection of pink taffeta dresses,all exactly the same.They neither saw any difference between them,nor appreciated the need to try on one hundred different examples of the same dress.

But they were only dolls,and were loyal to Tallulah,although it should be said that neither Hollyoaks nor Madame Flange entirely trusted Marjorie Misnomer,having heard unusual sounds coming from the neighbouring cottage the other day.

Looking at the clock,Tallulah shrieked: “Ooh time we were elsewhere,ladies! The big house awaits!”

Scooping up the two dolls in her arms,Tallulah flounced out of her boudoir and down the stairs,grabbing a monstrous yellow sun hat as she went,which she placed firmly on her head.Hollyoaks and Madame Flange were similarly attired in their Sunday best.Skipping jauntily out the door of her cottage,she greeted the day (Tallulah was like that) and continued her skipping progress down the road towards House Misnomer and,indeed,her certain doom.

Hollyoaks and Madame Flange hung on for dear life….something they would be doing quite a lot of that afternoon.



Marjorie Misnomer sat,proffering a teapot in the general direction of her guest,at the head of a long table,festooned with multitudinous cakes and other baked goodness,on the lawn of House Misnomer.

Tallulah Miggins paused with a chocolate eclair a mere inch from her mouth and exclaimed “Ooh yes please!”,offering up her bone-chine teacup for the requisite filling of.

Marjorie did the pouring,Tallulah the sipping.”Mm lovely!” she cooed,her little finger pointing,unwittingly,to where Gesundheit the murderous marrow now lay in wait,hidden,snickering.

“I’m so glad you could come to my party,Tallulah…and your little dollies,of course.” She narrowed her eyes at the two miniature playthings,sat next to Tallulah at the table in two high-chairs,a cup of untouched tea in front of each of them.Their scones were similarly un-nibbled.”We get so few guests here at House Misnomer,and with Daddy….away on business,it’s just me and the twins.”

“Oh how are Kismet and Ketamine,haven’t seen them for years?” gushed Tallulah,ramming jam tarts in her mouth.

Marjorie raised an eyebrow and smiled.Hollyoaks wet herself…Madame Flange’s tummy turned over.

“They are well…they don’t get out much,prefer their own company.They’re very…close….joined at the hip as my father used to…as he always says. But they will be joining us for tea quite soon….in fact here they come now!” said Marjorie,rising slightly to look up the lawn towards the House.She waved.

Tallulah,with yet another eclair halfway in her mouth,turned to look….Kismet and Ketamine were indeed shambling table-wards.Hollyoaks and Madame Flange also studied the approaching abomination,a dark worry bubbling in their porcelain hearts.Tallulah,ever the optimist,thought nothing of the extreme closeness of the two girls as they reached the table and sat down,seemingly on one,extra-wide chair.Her mother always taught her not to stare at,or think less of,those who may have,as old Ma Miggins put it,something “a bit not right” about them.And anyway,Marjorie had made sure the “twins” had had a bath before the party.They had protested but it was,as Marjorie,pointed out,a special occasion,and they wouldn’t need another one for months.With cries of “Kismet wants Matey!” and “Ketamine wants Matey!” ringing in her ears,Marjorie had picked out,in much the same way that Tallulah Miggins had done so,the twins’ best dress…dresses…dress from their admittedly limited wardrobe.

So…the “twins” were acceptable,nearly,to the untrained eye…but even so,Tallulah averted her gaze as they attempted to pour themselves a cup of tea,with much smashing of crockery,but she couldn’t work out why they only used one of their hands and not both…and they were sitting very close. Eventually they worked out a system whereby one girl poured tea into the others cup,and vice versa.They sipped happily,and became entranced by the two dolls,who had been equally transfixed with the twins since they had materialised. Hollyoaks and Madame Flange shifted nervously in their high-chairs.

“Kismet want dolly!”

“Ketamine want dolly!”

The dolls’s eyes fluttered nervously.Tallulah,for the first time,looked uneasily at Marjorie,who sat,with her arms draped silkily over the arms of her chair,like a black velvet and lace spider at the heart of a web,smiling.

Then she made a gesture…a tiny gesture that the normal person would not catch..but there was little that was normal about Kismet and Ketamine.

They understood perfectly…they had been released.

For two young woman,surgically fused together down the side,their respective right and left arms now a distant memory,but still possessing four legs…for all their inelegance,they had a remarkable turn of speed,something that came in useful when they were out for the evening,hunting cats.

Kismet and Ketamine,the Binary Badness,lunged across the table at the dolls,who were frozen with fear.Hollyoaks was grabbed by Kismet and Madame Flange by Ketamine.Being dolls,they were used to being hugged almost to death by excitable young women,but this was something different…something wrong.…they could feel it in their joints.Kismet,being the worse of the two,decided she wanted both dolls and started trying to pull Madame Flange away from her sister.An unpleasantness ensued,with the twins ending up on the ground,the dolls forgotten,as they ripped and tore at each other’s hair and face.Hollyoaks and Madame Flange lay on the tablecloth,near the scones,gasping.

Tallulah,not wishing to make a scene,being very British,turned to Marjorie: “Are they…umm…all right ?”

Marjorie,who had been silent,enjoying the scene,whispered silkily: “Oh yes,they’re just fine.More tea…oh no,now look what they’ve done…they’ve ripped their dress.” She pointed at the struggling sisters,who were now quite bloody,and finally,fatally,Tallulah noticed what had been bugging her all this time…they were so close,they seemed to be wearing the same dress.Also,when Kismet rolled over,Ketamine followed,almost as if they were…stuck together.

Tallulah Miggins stared…Kismet and Ketamine’s “dress” was ripped beyond repair…they were almost in the altogether,and what this revealed to the world at large was not something that Tallulah Miggins had any real,tangible words for.

They were indeed stuck together down the middle…Tallulah saw the ragged scar that marked their eternal bondage.She stared…and stared again as Kismet and Ketamine suddenly ceased their battle and shambled to their feet.Marjorie had also stood,coming round to stand behind Tallulah,who was dumbstruck,placing her hands on her shoulders.

Tallulah shivered.

“Now then,Tallulah…it’s time for-”

But she got no further,as Hollyoaks leapt up from among the scones and sank her teeth into Marjorie’s neck.Marjorie staggered back,bleeding heavily and tugging and smacking at the deadly dolly.Madame Flange,meanwhile,clutching a wicked-looking cake knife,hopped off the table and sank the blade into one of Kismet’s,or possibly it was Ketamine’s,legs.The twins collapsed to the ground,one of them screaming in agony,the other trying to get back up and wandering what all the fuss was about.

Madame Flange ran towards the flailing Marjorie to help Hollyoaks,but Marjorie saw her coming.She kicked out,sending Flange flying;she landed some distance away,it having been a very good punt on Marjorie’s part,despite the pain in her neck,in the gooseberry bush.Madame Flange lay still.Marjorie took hold of Hollyoaks by the neck…and twisted. Hollyoaks’ head popped off,making a noise that no-one would want to hear twice in their life…it may have been a tiny scream.Throwing  Hollyoaks’ head and body aside,where they snatched up by the twins,she pounced on Tallulah,who had been watching the madness as if from a distance,unable to move or act,and held her face in her hands.

“That’s why I never had any dolls when I was little!” roared Marjorie,cryptically.Her eyes were wide,quite mad.

“Now…I’m going to do to you what I did to your smelly little dolly….but slower.”

Marjorie’s hands tightened.

Finally,Tallulah acted.Not understanding the madness,but wanting to escape it more than anything,Tallulah cried out to anyone who may hear.

There was no one.