Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

2013 in review

Posted: January 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,500 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 42 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

2012 in review

Posted: January 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 6,300 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 11 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

2011 in review

Posted: January 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 10,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

There are characters called Seaman Staines and Master Bates in Captain Pugwash.

This is utter bollocks.

This is a myth which was started by the Sunday Correspondent newspaper in the early 90s,suggesting that there were characters such as Roger the Cabin Boy and Master Bates in the original 1970s cartoon.

There are not.

The creator of Captain Pugwash,John Ryan,successfully sued the newspaper,but the myth still persists amongst stupid people to this day.What these people fail to understand is that it would be perfectly simple to watch the episodes in order to ascertain the veracity of these claims.Sadly this process was not available to the “journalists” of the Sunday Correspondent due them being chronically dumb,that is why unintelligent people perpetuate this myth to this day…tell them to watch the episodes and show you the evidence and they look at you like you’ve just tried to have sex with their pit-bull terrier.

P.S.The Sunday Correspondent newspaper no longer exists.

Next time-Spock was never a Doctor on the Enterprise,so was never known as Doctor Spock—-Dr.Spock is the baby expert,and not a pointy-eared brainbox from another planet.

Drew Barrymore was the little girl in Poltergeist

People still perpetuate this myth,even in this age of info-overload….I mean,how hard is it to look this up ??

The little girl in Poltergeist was of course played by Heather O’Rourke,not Drew Barrymore…I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble,but they are different people-

Heather O’Rourke

Drew Barrymore…with E.T. dressed as god-knows -what..(though totally rocking it)

Simples.

Next time-It’s not Trivial Pursuits,and never has been….it’s Trivial Pursuit.

As part of Hate Is Great season,here we go again with another acid-filled blog all about things which “grind my gears.”

1.We’ll start with an easy one…..if you say “could of” and “would of” instead of “could have” or “would have”….I know where you live,and I’m sending the boys round as we speak.

2.Dan Brown-just because.

3.Post Offices-they sell everything now…credit cards,home/holiday/car/life insurance,telephony/mortgages…all of which they attempt to flog you when all you want is a stamp.No wonder the queues are always spewing out the door.My local P.O. pretty much always has every counter open,to be fair,but they still can’t cope with the backlog of grannies wanting a 2nd class stamp.Less talk,more speed please.

4.Kirstie Allsopp-chunky host of Location etc etc…every week she tells of the sad plight of posh couples who want to buy a 20-bedroom mansion in the country with a budget of only 50 million quid….bless ’em.Awful woman….she’s completely out of touch with reality.In fact she reminds me of a manager I once had,she liked the sound of her own voice….looked like her too.AND Kirstie gets dressed in the dark and is obviously no stranger to jumble sales….I would,though.

5.Books-I’ve got a game for you to play when you’re in WHSmiths next.Pick any new book currently on sale.Now try and buy it at the price printed on the inner flap.You won’t be able to…because this is a complete fantasy to make you think you’re getting a bargain.If anyone reading this can find a new book at the price listed on the cover I will buy it off them,refund their petrol if necessary,and take them out for a slap-up meal at the Harvester of their choice.It’s the norm these days for shops to heavily discount books,to compete with the interweb etc.-why should shop A sell it at 18.99 if shop B and the rest of the alphabet has it at a discount–fair enough,but then whats the point of printing the full price if it can’t actually be bought at that price.

6.People who check their lotto numbers in the shop-Next time you hand over your grubby ticket to the pale Saturday girl and ask her to check if you’re a winner,consider this-do you really expect her to say “Oh congratulations sir,you’ve got all 6 balls and you’re a gazillionaire.Well done,here’s your ticket back.” Or would it be more likely that she’d say “Sorry,you’ve got nothing.” and stuff the winning ticket into her grubby overalls.You’ve only got the machine operator’s word for it.If this is the slapdash way in which you onduct your business,then you deserve to be robbed.This has probably happened more times than you’d think. How do I know this….well,if I was operating a lotto machine and a winning ticket came my way,I’d take it and say nothing…and so would YOU.

7.People who don’t vote and complain about the outcome-In the last European Parliament elections,the BNP gained a couple of seats.Cue much gnashing of teeth from the entire population,many of whom probably didn’t vote or were among the thousands of people who spoiled their voting papers in every constituency.This will probably happen again this May when the General Election rears it’s ugly head….make your vote count,don’t waste it then complain your party didn’t get in.

8.Cheryl Cole-oh,like I need to explain.

9.Anti-smoking loonies-This is the warning next to the booking details for Robert Pattinson’s new film,Remember Me-“Contains infrequent strong language, moderate sex and violence, and smoking.”

Smoking.

Because apparently,smoking has become the number one bogeyman…by all means,let our children see all kinds of murder & blood & guts & shagging on televison,but make sure they don’t see anyone having a sneaky Woodbine because they might take up smoking themselves,even though they already smoke 20 a day.

What’s next ?

 This film contains a man called Brian?

Contains sex,violence and people with bad teeth?

 This film is not suitable for people who don’t like budgies?

We all know where this comes from,which leads me neatly on to the last hate-

EPIC FAIL

10.America-I don’t know where to begin….the utter crapness of this country deserves an entire series of blogs all of  its own.One of God’s biggest mistakes.

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Posted: April 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

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Well…I told you,didn’t I ?

Confession…..I wrote that yesterday,convinced in my mind as I was that the new Doctor Who would be shit.

Well it was…..but not that much.

True,the new title sequence,theme tune,redesign of the TARDIS console room,the new Doctor’s costume,the continuity announcer at the end of the episode who sounded like he was being paid per palpitation,(OK that one doesn’t count) and the continuation of the annoying trend of the female companion having a dopey (although in this case,entertaining) boyfriend—all these factors were appalling.Woeful.Awful.Dumpage.

But these are things that cannot be changed,so there’s not much anyone can do about them…so we don’t need to dwell on them….and as a lifelong Doctor Who fan (I haz the skillz) I am prepared to look beyond a naff title sequence and theme tune arrangment (by turning the sound down) if the stories are up to scratch.I’ve done it before.

First episodes are a curious beast…for every Spearhead From Space there’s a Time And The Rani.(Google them if you don’t know) The Eleventh Hour (Ooh…eleventh Doctor,lasted an hour…see what they did there?),was Matt Smith’s debut gig,and,as the saying goes,very much a game of two halves.

Despite initial misgivings as the Doctor clinged desperately to the TARDIS as it plummeted towards the next plot device,the newboy started to show some glimmers of promise,while obviously haunted by David Tennant.Matt Smith,like the episode itself, was at his best during the first half hour when he wasn’t quite himself,in typical post-regeneration fashion.So good was he,in fact,that I actually said out loud (to myself-don’t judge) “He’s quite good”…and,yes,those words tasted like vinegar 🙂

 As the episode progressed,we were introduced to new companion-in-waiting,Amelia “Amy” Pond who,in quite gobsmackingly perverse fashion,managed to be nowhere near as awful as I had been dreading.Cue more vinegary words….but hey,I can admit to being wrong,I’m all grown-up and mature,like.I’m not the kind of person who slags something off before it’s even started,what do you take me for 😛 ??? (IRONY) I’m entitled to change my mind on a whim…I’m in touch with my feminine side.

I don’t do spoilers (well sometimes),so I won’t go into too much detail,suffice it to say that there’s a slightly naff monster,a bit of running around,a little bit of padding,and what appears to be a bit of a smack in the face for Tennant fans during one of those flashbacks that used to make the fans drool back in the day.That’s assuming there’s any women still watching,of course,what with young Matt’s less-than-perfect boatrace,but then if that’s why you’re watching,then,basically,you shouldn’t be watching.

But enough Tennant-bashing–he’s history,yesterday’s Time Lord. We’ve got a new bloke for the next 12 episodes,which,judging by the trailer,will feature several returning monsters,including the Daleks,Rubbish Cybermen and The Weeping Angels….and this is where Matt Smith will win or fail,by the strength of his stories-he’s pretty much on probation for his first season.Tennant had to gurn his way through some real stinkers,but had neither the presence nor the ability of previous Doctor Who actors to transcend the scripts’ shortcomings.Matt’s showing a glimmer….just a glimmer,mind…of something interesting…whether it develops into anything,we shall have to wait and see.

Time,as it always does,will tell.

P.S I shall be making good on my promise to eat my own spleen in public soon…stay tuned for ticket prices 😛

TTFN!!

          
 

One of these books totally re-invented the vampire genre,bringing neck-pests right up to date,is second only to Bram Stoker’s original novel Dracula,spawned a series of successful films,sold millions of copies and became a global phenomenon,inspiring countless pale young boys and girls…

The other is Twilight.

As Yoda once said….

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

….but Yoda was 2 feet tall,looked like a scrotum and never won any of his lightsabre duels.

HATE IS GREAT.

I am often accused of having very high standards and of thinking that the world desperately wants to hear my opinion on whatever subject is currently passing through my chakra.Granted,the main subject does tend to be Doctor Who,a television programme very close to my heart,a topic on which I have several definitive theories,the product of painstaking original research over a timespan of 30 years.This qualifies me to say that Tom Baker (hallowed be His name) is the best Doctor Who ever….saying David Tennant is just because you fancy him when you haven’t seen the programme in it’s entirety is,frankly,sad.

But I digress.

I LOVE TO HATE.

I AM A HATER.

AND I AM PROUD TO BE A HATER….EVERYTHING THAT YOU HOLD DEAR,I HATE.

And there is an awful lot to hate these days….Cheryl Cole,”Prof.” Brian Cox,those Morrison ads with Richard Hammond,Hollyoaks,Skins,The Gadget Show,Steve Ryder,Ben Fogle,James Corden,Jimmy Carr,the fact that Eva Mendes isn’t in my bedroom RIGHT NOW,burnt toast,bus stations,Kate Humble,John Barrowman,Gavin & Stacey,Matt Smith,David Tennant (although his career is at an end so thankfully we won’t see much of him from now on),did I mention Cheryl Cole ?,people who don’t like Lady Gaga…..I could go on…

Shall I ?

OK then….

……endless tv shows called things like “100 most amusing things pulled out of someone’s arse”,anything starring Cheryl Cole,Cheryl Cole,any kind of dancing/skating/shagging/twatting-about “celebrity” reality thing,Americans,Matt Baker,”Sir” Steve Redgrave,the former somebody but now unemployed nobody,the fact that 6Music is being axed when John Barrowman continues to contaminate my screen,Russell T. Davies and what he’s done to Doctor Who,my complete failure to win the lottery,the BBC stealing my licence fee to make another series of Snog,Marry Avoid?,people who say “could of” instead of “could have”,Stephen Fry.Jonathan Ross,Most Haunted,Russell Brand,that fat twat on the GoCompare ad,you know the opera singer (dodgy claim to fame-I was in school with him….I don’t hate HIM,per se…it’s just couldn’t he have picked a less annoying advert?),having to go to the toilet in the middle of a film at the cinema,Tom Cruise’s teeth,Rhod Gilbert (dodgy claim to fame #2-his mother taught French at my secondary school-she was funnier),and finally,Cheryl Cole….oh and David Tennant.

Name anything…..I guarantee you that that I hate it.

But I’m happy in my house of hate….and I shall be firmly ensconced therein this coming weekend when the new “Doctor Who” starts with missing link Matt Smith…

Just to forewarn you….I shall be hating BIGTIME,because there is no physical way that the new series can be anything but utter shit….

…BUT…

…if,by some weird,unholy,unnatural,wrong conjunction of the stars I actually like it (and I will give it a chance for one episode,I’m kind like that),then I will eat my own SPLEEN,in public,date and venue to be announced.

 I shall be also live-tweeting during the episode,so you’d better unfollow me sharpish if you get offended by the words “dump”,”fucking lame shit”,”childish dumbed down bollocks” and “bring Tom Baker back pdq”.

TTFN!