As part of Hate Is Great season,here we go again with another acid-filled blog all about things which “grind my gears.”
1.We’ll start with an easy one…..if you say “could of” and “would of” instead of “could have” or “would have”….I know where you live,and I’m sending the boys round as we speak.
2.Dan Brown-just because.
3.Post Offices-they sell everything now…credit cards,home/holiday/car/life insurance,telephony/mortgages…all of which they attempt to flog you when all you want is a stamp.No wonder the queues are always spewing out the door.My local P.O. pretty much always has every counter open,to be fair,but they still can’t cope with the backlog of grannies wanting a 2nd class stamp.Less talk,more speed please.
4.Kirstie Allsopp-chunky host of Location etc etc…every week she tells of the sad plight of posh couples who want to buy a 20-bedroom mansion in the country with a budget of only 50 million quid….bless ’em.Awful woman….she’s completely out of touch with reality.In fact she reminds me of a manager I once had,she liked the sound of her own voice….looked like her too.AND Kirstie gets dressed in the dark and is obviously no stranger to jumble sales….I would,though.
5.Books-I’ve got a game for you to play when you’re in WHSmiths next.Pick any new book currently on sale.Now try and buy it at the price printed on the inner flap.You won’t be able to…because this is a complete fantasy to make you think you’re getting a bargain.If anyone reading this can find a new book at the price listed on the cover I will buy it off them,refund their petrol if necessary,and take them out for a slap-up meal at the Harvester of their choice.It’s the norm these days for shops to heavily discount books,to compete with the interweb etc.-why should shop A sell it at 18.99 if shop B and the rest of the alphabet has it at a discount–fair enough,but then whats the point of printing the full price if it can’t actually be bought at that price.
6.People who check their lotto numbers in the shop-Next time you hand over your grubby ticket to the pale Saturday girl and ask her to check if you’re a winner,consider this-do you really expect her to say “Oh congratulations sir,you’ve got all 6 balls and you’re a gazillionaire.Well done,here’s your ticket back.” Or would it be more likely that she’d say “Sorry,you’ve got nothing.” and stuff the winning ticket into her grubby overalls.You’ve only got the machine operator’s word for it.If this is the slapdash way in which you onduct your business,then you deserve to be robbed.This has probably happened more times than you’d think. How do I know this….well,if I was operating a lotto machine and a winning ticket came my way,I’d take it and say nothing…and so would YOU.
7.People who don’t vote and complain about the outcome-In the last European Parliament elections,the BNP gained a couple of seats.Cue much gnashing of teeth from the entire population,many of whom probably didn’t vote or were among the thousands of people who spoiled their voting papers in every constituency.This will probably happen again this May when the General Election rears it’s ugly head….make your vote count,don’t waste it then complain your party didn’t get in.
8.Cheryl Cole-oh,like I need to explain.
9.Anti-smoking loonies-This is the warning next to the booking details for Robert Pattinson’s new film,Remember Me-“Contains infrequent strong language, moderate sex and violence, and smoking.”
Smoking.
Because apparently,smoking has become the number one bogeyman…by all means,let our children see all kinds of murder & blood & guts & shagging on televison,but make sure they don’t see anyone having a sneaky Woodbine because they might take up smoking themselves,even though they already smoke 20 a day.
What’s next ?
This film contains a man called Brian?
Contains sex,violence and people with bad teeth?
This film is not suitable for people who don’t like budgies?
We all know where this comes from,which leads me neatly on to the last hate-
EPIC FAIL
10.America-I don’t know where to begin….the utter crapness of this country deserves an entire series of blogs all of its own.One of God’s biggest mistakes.
TROPICAL MOMENTS 