Posts Tagged ‘biscuits’

Alright dudes ?

Hola!

‘Tis I-El Perro Blog…reporting from the London Underground,and my Mornington Crescent lair… and I am one year old !!

Yes,adventure-fans..it was one year ago (almost) today that I was found,swaddled in a copy of Razzle,on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street,having fallen through a rift in the time-space continuum following my battle with the Daleks on Uranus.(I have to do ALL the work while Tennant gets all the glory…and my wife,but that’s another story)

But there is no time for a detailed origin story this week….another time maybe…if I can be arsed.

Not only do I have to advertise for another maid/cleaner/cook/tea-maker/asbestos cleaner/toenail-cutter,but I also need to finish my profile on this intertubenet dating site I’ve joined-PlentyofDogs.com,because I haven’t had a bit for months…and you wouldn’t believe the dust on the platform.I’ve decided to combine the two jobs,that of lover and caretaker.

My ad reads – “Handsome Immortal Adventurer In Time & Space Seeks Sex-Mad Bitch To Make Tea And Sweep Up”

Haven’t had many replies yet…

Anyway…what can you expect from the upcoming year?

Excitement,adventure and rampant sauciness,that’s what!!

And if I can pull my finger out,more pelvic-floor-testing escapades from my unbelievable life !!!

THE BLOG DOG-like a nun with dwarfism ramming a box of chalk up your crevice…sexier than Eva Mendes carrying a Tesco bag filled with custard creams…the feeling you get when you realise you CAN marry your iMac…the Blog Dog is all these things,and yet more..

Until next time,jollies-junkies !!!

Count Mephistopheles Von Tiddles.....yesterday.

Count Mephistopheles Von Tiddles.....yesterday.

The story so far:

I,Blog Dog,Agent Double Oh-Woof,undertook a mission on behalf of HM The Queen (God Bless Her) to recover the lost book,The Necronomnomicon,for England and all that.In cahoots with Agent Norma Snockers,we discovered our first clue in the bowels of the Top Secret Library Of Very Scary Books,from whence the book was half-inched….a cat hair that could only belong to my old nemesis,that Malfeasant Moggy—Count Mephistopheles Von Tiddles!!!

Now read on!!

Scene-EXT

Aston Martin BD-5,speeding towards the British Museum

I gripped the wheel of the Aston and sped towards The British Museum…..I wanted to see my old friend Professor Bernardo Whiplash-Prebendary,an expert on spooky books and all that Dan Brown,Lawrence Da Vinci secret society bollocks.

Norma was still out cold in the passenger seat,her blouse loosened so she could breathe easily,and so I could have a look at her-

-so I could make sure she was alright.

I came to a screeching stop outside the museum,narrowly missing a group of students….so I reversed and made sure I flattened the scruffy bastards.

I stepped from the Aston,scuttling over the twitching bodies of the unwashed,workshy,cup-a-soup guzzling,long-haired wasters-

(Not too keen on students,then?)

-and trotted into the museum,the unconscious Norma slung over my shoulder.I stepped into the lift and rode it to the thirteenth floor,where the professor’s office was located.

Professor Whiplash-Prebendary’s office was disguised as a mop cupboard,but was far bigger on the inside than outside,like that thing off the telly…you know,Doctor What,with that Scottish bloke,whatsisname….Derek Tenement.

(Hah…I could show him a thing or two about time-travelling…I’ve battled the dreaded Garleks throughout space and time,and I didn’t continually over-act while doing it.

And you should have seen my scarf-it was epic.)

Anyhoo…

But this was the real thing…the trick was all to do with books.

Just as second-hand bookshops and libraries will increase their interior size to accommodate the books within (shops selling NEW books don’t do this),any room with sufficient reading matter within it will also extend it’s inner volume out  through our dimension and into the higher non-Euclidean dimensions,stretching it’s very atoms to fill the dreadful,unknowable void of the Etherverse.

All you need is enough secondhand books…and Prof.Whiplash-Prebendary sure loved books.

If you’ve never seen half a million well-thumbed Mills&Boon paperbacks stacked floor-to-ceiling before,I recommend you pay the Professor a visit.

It is quite a sight.

Mind you,so is the Professor….6ft 6 inches tall,white hair like an explosion in a sherbet factory and built like a brick convenience.

Quite a woman,is Bernardo Whiplash-Prebendary.

The Prof was sat at her desk,bent over a book…I crept up behind and read over her shoulder-

“Percy gazed longingly at Deidre….her glass eye glinted in the moonlight….her heaving bosom heaved rhythmically in time with the tossing cruise liner.She pressed her firm yet yielding body up against Percy…Deidre could feel his growing passion poking into her nether regions.Deidre looked at Percy lustily,and said “Oi,put that away-you’re half decent-”

“My girlfriend’s called Deidre.” I remarked.

The Prof. swung round,startled.

“Ah there you effing well are Blog Dog,you old sod! Who’s the totty?” she asked,indicating the still asleep Norma.

“Agent Norma Snockers.”

“Hmm….named after her father,no doubt.Anyway,what the bloody hell can I do you for?”

“It’s Von Tiddles…he’s stolen the Necronomnomicon!”

“Jesus H.Tennant!! Not the chuffing Necronomnomnomicon!!”

“It’s just two noms,actually,Prof.”

“Sorry,I’ll try again……………..Not the chuffing Necronomnomicon!!”

“The very same!”

“Not the Necronomnomicon!” cried Norma,then went back to sleep.

(You’re only keeping her asleep because you can’t think of any funny lines for her…or for anyone else for that matter.)

“What a bastard!”

(Charming!)

Not you…

“Quite….and he’s going to use it to summon up all kinds of spooky,blobby shit to lay waste to dear old Blighty and have the streets run with blood,dogs and cats living together,and things of that nature generally.”

“So now you’re going after him to right royally twat him and get the book back?”

“Not ‘arf.”

“Fecking great! Will there be gratuitous sex and violence along the way?”

“Oh yes!”

“Funting marvellous!! Although I read in The Times that you’d recently jumped the broomstick…to the divine Deidre Macbeth?

“Ah yes,but a secret agent on Her Majesty’s (God Bless Her) official secret service is sometimes required to give in and of himself in the line of duty….that often includes nailing any nice piece of crackling that comes his way.”

(By the way,are you still carrying Norma on your shoulder?)

Yes…she was pressing against me in a way that suggested she more than lived up to her name…anyway,shush,there’s an exciting bit coming up.

(Thank god for that…I’m sure you’re getting paid by the letter,or something…oh,and Deidre said to tell you the dinner is ready.)

Tell her I’ll be right there.

Just then,there was an almighty crash from the corridor…the door of the office was rent asunder…and there,framed in the doorway was an abomination….a creature of such horrific countenance,of such awful visage,of such…suchness….that even I was speechless…

The Professor stood firm…she squared up to the monster.

It towered over her…no mean feat.

The horror stared balefully at the Prof,and opened it’s hideous mouth….inside was a Hell of teeth,worthy of some monster piranha….

A “voice” from the deepest pit of Hades spewed forth-

“Would you and your friend like a cup of tea,dear?”,it said.

“For chuff’s sake,Mum that’s the third door you’ve knackered this week….yes,we would like a cup of tea,please.Bloggers,you knob,you can come out now it’s only me old Mum.”

“Ah…ha ha I wasn’t hiding,I was umm….ummm…”

“Milk and sugar?”

“Yes please.”

“How many lumps?”

“Three please.”

“Sugar?”

“Yes….hurry up and pour,I’ve got a book to find-The Necronomnomicon!”

“The Necronomnomicon!” cried the Professor.

“The Necronomnomicon!” cried the Professor’s Mum.

“The Necronomnomicon!” cried Norma Snockers,who hadn’t had many lines in this episode.

“The very same…I don’t have a moment to lose……any custard creams?”

Next Episode-The Man With The Golden Bun!

Tesco Rage Sweeps The Nation!!!

Posted: September 27, 2009 in Life
Tags: , , , , ,

IMGIn May of this year,Robert Caton,a 50 year old gentleman from Andover in Hampshire,went up to a security guard in his local Tesco and asked him how long it would take to evacuate the building.

That was shortly before he drove his Rolls Royce through the supermarket window after drinking two bottles of whisky,causing £21,000 worth of damage,and the store lost £41,000 in sales as they cleared up the mess.

It took him 2 go’s to smash through the window.

Six women suffered cuts,bruises and shock and a woman who was 20 weeks pregnant had to go to hospital.

Apparently,he had “simply snapped.”

The court heard he had “saved-up” for a bed and cupboard for his 3yr old son’s bedroom,but the mattress he thought would come with it did not arrive.

Hmmm…..I know how he feels,although I’ve never resorted to ram-raiding Tesco….blowing the bloody place up perhaps…

Thankfully today’s trip was not this eventful,although the Mother Unit did at one point say that having my son and myself with her was like taking 2 kids shopping…we weren’t THAT naughty,honest ;).

Comic relief was provided by a lady who’s trolley was so full she was having trouble pushing the bloody thing,and was not being helped by her husband/boyfriend/significant other who preferred to just watch.

BUT I forgot to get cup-a-soups….

What else did I do over the weekend….well,played videogames with my son,thought about my girlfriend,played cards,told my son about my girlfriend,went out to town,bored my son by telling him about my girlfriend a bit more….came back,drove my son up the wall by dropping interesting snippets of information about my girlfriend in to the conversation….very packed weekend really.

Oh did I tell you I’m going back up to “that London” to see her in a couple of weeks?

I’m a citizen of the universe,me….I have no fear about travelling to the big city..if you knew what was waiting for me,you’d be on the first bus out too.

I’d be quite happy to WALK there….but luckily National Express offer very reasonable rates.

Hmm…I seem to have wandered off topic a tad….do I look like I give a monkeys??

To recap…mad bloke drives his Roller through Tesco window….that’s it.

See you next time !!!

And now,tea.

I do like a nice cuppa.

Preferably with a few biscuits…and then a few more biscuits.

In fact,I get most of my nutrition from biscuits….you just can’t beat a custard cream dunked in a fresh cup of  Typhoo.

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach….this is perfectly true.

I’m anybody’s for a chocolate hobnob….especially if it’s accompanied by a cuppa.

But my particular poison is custard creams….oh yes.

Oh yes....

Oh yes....

TEA.

That is all.

You see,I am not a coffee person.Tried it once,hated it…although funnily enough there was a time when I didn’t even like tea,just drank squash or whatever all the time.Then one fateful day I tried a cuppa….and haven’t looked back since.

It is the cup that cheers…where would Eastenders be without someone making “a pot of tea” every five minutes when there’s some kind of family crisis?

The best cup of the day?—-The first one in the morning…I cannot function without it.I am supping on a particularly fine cuppa crafted by myself as I write this bloggage…tea is the perfect brain lubricant.* (*Tea should NOT be used as an actual lubricant as you might burn your bits)

I am trying to make an effort to eat healthier,and am soon to invest in a blender,for the fabrication of smoothies thereof.All this 5-a-day business…I don’t even get 5-a-week. The Mother Unit has got one knocking around the house doing nothing so I shall inspect the object when i’m over there next.

Who knows I might even start exercising….and I will need to look my best soon….first impressions are so important 😉

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

It’s that time of the month again….no,not that time,or that one….well obviously not that one.

I speak of course about the delivery of the greatest magazine currently in publication….

Fortean Times!

The self-styled “journal of strange phenomena.”

Some of you may know it….I have been reading it for flipping years and have every issue since 1992.

I never throw a copy away….it’s a man thing.

Conspiracy theories,strange thingies,weird happenings,bizarre coincidences and nasty blobby whatsits…they’re all in there.

This month’s issue features the story of a girl who was brained by a falling tortoise,and a man who over the years has filed more than 4000 lawsuits against various people,entities,objects and concepts,including Plato,Nostradamus,the Lincoln Memorial and the Eiffel Tower.Well,you’ve got to have a hobby….his latest legal action is against the Guinness Book of Records to stop it from naming him the world’s most litiginous man in the next edition.

There’s no pleasing some people.

I highly recommend you pick up a copy….it’s better for you than OK! or Heat.

Katie Price is never featured.

Feed your head.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Dalek Invasion 2nd Phase-Operation Kitchen

Dalek Invasion 2nd Phase-Operation Kitchen

10.Katy Manning

In 1978 Katy Manning,who played companion Jo Grant opposite Jon Pertwee,posed naked with a Dalek for Girls Illustrated magazine.

Hmm….

That’s it really…

9.Peri’s Tits

These were twin companions to the 5th/6th Doctors,rumoured to belong to actress Nicola Bryant who played companion Peri Brown,who spent much of her time on Doctor Who poured into life-threateningly tight outfits in an attempt to get more men to watch the programme.Not that her face was ever seen,with cameramen preferring to zoom straight down her cleavage at every opportunity.This was a blatantly sexist move on the part of the show’s producers and I would have written a strongly worded letter of complaint if I’d had any feeling left in my right hand due to-…..umm that time I sprained it playing rugby…

8.I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek by The Go-Gos

Nothing to do with Belinda Carlisle’s first group,this was a 1960s novelty record realeased to cash-in on the Dalekmania craze.It contains the following verse-

I’m gonna spend my Christmas with a Dalek

And hug him underneath the miseltoe

And if he’s very nice,I’ll feed him sugar spice

And hang a Christmas stocking from his big left toe.

Really.

7.Beatrix Lehmann in The Stones Of Blood

This veteran actress played Professor Amelia Rumford in this 4th Doctor story and is remembered for one overriding characteristic….she is barking mad,and when you’re sharing a studio with Tom Baker,that’s some achievement.Indeed,Baker spends most of their scenes together in a state of bemused befuddlement because he’s finally found someone madder than he is.He met his eccentric match…Beatrix Lehmann out-Tom Bakered Tom Baker.

No mean feat.

6.The Moment My Son Saw The Light

Watch the episode “Dalek” (yes,the @dean_cummings one…read his blog,The Other Place,the link is over there).Rose,feeling sorry for the captive Dalek,allows it to escape and start bringing the pain.At one point  it sticks its plunger into a pc screen to suck up some juice from the mains.And why is this moment on this hallowed list?

Because this is the precise moment that my son became a Doctor Who fan.He exclaimed “This is cool” and came to snuggle up to me on the sofa.The torch had been passed.When I was his age I never dreamed that one day I’d be watching Doctor Who with my son.He made an old man very happy,and now he’s a confirmed Tennant fan,but despite that he’s a good kid.

5.My biscuit barrel is in the shape of the TARDIS.

Garibaldi Of The Daleks (yes I know they're custard creams)

Garibaldi Of The Daleks (yes I know they're custard creams)

4.Target novelisations

Imagine if you can a world without youtube,dvds,digital tv,even videos.

Welcome to the 1970s.

Repeats of Doctor Who were extremely rare,so how were we,the dribbling bespectacled fans,ever to get a glimpse of the hallowed early years?

By reading about them,in the paperback novelisations from Target books.

Usually only about 150 pages long,usually written by Terrance Dicks,and usually with a totally scary cover.

GIANT OCTOPUS!

GIANT OCTOPUS!

The best cover EVER

The best cover EVER

Virtually all of the original series’ stories were novelised in this way,and are as much a part of Doctor Who history as the programme itself.The book enabled the anorak-wearing masses to discover the stories shown before they were born.

Many fans will tell you of the near-orgasmic excitement of finding a rare Target book in a charity shop or jumble sale…it is a well known fact that all Doctor Who fans can spot one of these slim & sexy volumes sitting on an Oxfam shelf even if it’s crushed between a couple of Barbara Cartlands….it’s the white spine and Target logo,you see (see the top right of the books in the pics)…it means only one thing.Spot it a mile off.

153 different novelisations were published between 1973-1994….and I’ve got the bloody lot.

Every single buggering one…and they’re all arranged on my bookshelves in chronological order,as the stories were shown on television.

It’s a fan thing.

3.The Big Finish audio drama -“Red”

This is No.85 in the series of original Doctor Who dramas made by Big Finish.It stars Sylvester McCoy as the 7th Doctor and is in 4 parts.

And why is it on the list?

Mine’s signed by Bonnie Langford!!!!!!

2.The New Adventures

Nuttier than squirrel shit,The New Adventures were a range of original Doctor Who books released after the proper series ended between 1991 and 1997 by Virgin Books (who better to publish books for spotty,bespectacled Who fans…how did they know??)  Russell T.Davies wrote one called “Damaged Goods” which is one of the best…not sure what happened to his writing skills after that…? To give you a complete rundown of the utterly barking stuff that went on in them would take a blog of its own,and you’d have to be able to think like a hardcore Doctor Who fan….not something that one should enter into lightly.Once described as like “selling a dead horse to gullible anoraks” ,the books introduced Who fans to the most horrific,terrifying,smelly,scary,sticky monster the Doctor ever met…

….SEX!!!

And lots of it.And sometimes between two people of the same species.

I’ve got every one of them,too…

1.Jon Pertwee-Who Is The Doctor?

This is a 1972 single recorded by Jon Pertwee,and released on Deep Purple’s record label.Pertwee narrates  lyrics to the Doctor Who theme.

Oh wait…I forgot to tell you how totally,utterly,gob-smackingly,trouser-troublingly,effingly,completely and utterly sodding excellent it is.ONLY Jon Pertwee could have pulled this off…it’s the best version of the Who theme that never was.I could listen to it all day….and very often do.It sums up what Doctor Who is all about.

And here,for your viewing and listening pleasure,is that very same audio orgasm.