Posts Tagged ‘Cup-A-soup’

MERRY MICKELMAS…or something…

Guten Afternoon-en,Reality Surfers and Splitters of the Infinitive!!

‘Tis I,ब्लॉग कुत्ता !!!

And in the words of Sir Noddy Holder…IT’S BLOGMAS !!!!!!!

A time to remember the important things in life,such as getting rammed out of your cabbage on Asti Spumante at the office party and waking up the next morning with Dawn,the fat girl who fills the photocopier.A time to think of those less fortunate than yourself,the poor souls who,believe it or not,aren’t intergalactic pug-dogs of mystery with a vast fortune amassed in a life of adventure,intrigue and leg-humping.For even though I am a fabulously wealthy adventurer in time and space and elsewhere,it doesn’t mean that I don’t think of those less fortunate than myself.

*By the way,the people from the gas board called..they’ll be round to switch off your supply on Tuesday,….*

Ha ha…umm…yes thank you for reminding me…I’m switching over to electric heating.I’ve heard wonderful things about Economy 7-

*…and I’ve taken the magnet off the electricity meter…the bloke from n-power said,and I quote “Low usage is one thing but we were just taking the pi-*

SShhh…ha ha yes you do that,I don’t know how it got there…bloody kids.Bring back National Service,that’s what I say….Anyway,shouldn’t you be packing ?
*I’ve nearly finished*

Yes indeed,Constant Reader…you read right…I am vacating my current Fortress of Blogitude and relocating to a swanky drum in the Docklands…West India Quay to be exact.Tube stations are so last year.And Mornington Crescent is rather too big for me and Rizla now that my former love,Miss Deidre Macbeth,has run off with that Tennant person.Where is he now,eh?
Eh ?
Answers to this,and other,questions shall be forthcoming during the next twelvemonth,for The Dog of Blog will be back in business very soon,banging one off the wrist,as it were,with more gusset-ripping installments of The Necronomnomicon and more tuber-troubling terrors with everyone’s favourite psycho-bitch,Marjorie Misnomer.
Christmas is a time for family..but seeing as I have no family,I’ve decided that Blogmas is a time for me,so if you’ll excuse me,I must away to my new pad to install the shark tank and gruff a box or ten of jelly fruits while watching Her Majesty (God Bless Her) on the tellybox,for was it not John The Baptist who said-

*Umm you may want to stop it there,actually…*

For why,pray,for why ?

*Well there appear to be two very large gentlemen with hurty-sticks  attempting to squeeze themselves through the barrier you put up to keep the council tax bloke out-*

SHIT!

*I think I already have*

Oh Buddha it’s the Theydon Bois !!!

*Big lads,aren’t they?*

Wapping!

*Oh Arsenal*

Down the secret tunnel!! Time to blog off,Dear Reader…until we meet again in futures uncertain,Happy Blogmas !!

The Blog Kitten—MISSING!!

‘Tis I-The Blog Dog!

I speak to you today,Constant Reader,in a state of some agitation,and not a little preturbation.

(Is that a word?)

This very morn,upon waking from a shit-hot dream involving Bettany Hughes,Eva Mendes and a tub of swarfega,I rolled over in my 5-poster bed to greet the dawn and my beloved,Deidre, with a snuggle and a kiss,and to possibly try a few things I’d worked out in my dream.

(Eww)

Imagine,then,my horror as I beheld my beloved,who was conspicuous by her absence.

Gone.

Now this was not really that unusual,as it is part of our pre-nuptial agreement that Deidre should be up before I wake in order to get the tea on,so I was not unduly alarmed.I slipped on my yeti-skin dressing gown and griffin-hide slippers and sauntered into the kitchenette,to be greeted with a sight of abject,screaming horror,the like of which I had never before encountered,and no married man should have to endure….

…the teapot wasn’t even on the hob.

Searching around for Deidre in order to remonstrate with her and to extract a reason as to why my morning cup of  Earl Grey was,as yet,merely theoretical,I came swiftly to the conclusion that she was,as my Latin teacher used to say,non adest.

To whit,buggered off.

Not a soul in sight.

This was,as the Ameriyanks say,an “issue.”

Not only would I have to make my own tea AND breakfast,I’d have to most likely feed the piranhas AND go and whip the students in the dungeon.

This was not on.

The Blog Dog,as you know,has no time for the trivial matters of existence….for the Blog Dog is a roisterer,a rodgerer,a puker and a gorger-a shafter of time and space.

The Blog Dog cannot save the universe twice over whilst making his own cornflakes.Simple as that.

I trotted,stressed,onto the platform of my secret London Underground lair,cunningly disguised as Mornington Crescent,to see if maybe Deidre was polishing the third rail or something;it was possible that she had got her chore shcedule arse-backwards.

I was about to enter that state of mind known as the “hissy fit” when I spotted it…although how such an abomination came to be in my residence,I knew not,nor dared to wonder.

Plastered to the far wall was a poster of…..David Tennant.

You will know,Constant Reader,that normally I would not even debase myself to cleanse my lower extremities with such a tawdry piece of stationery,so how it came to be here was a mystery,wrapped up in an enigma,then sodomised by a “what the fuck?”

The third-rate actor who got lucky was gurning horrifically from the poster,but this was not the worst thing assaulting my retinas at this moment…there was more.

Someone had added a speech bubble which emanated from the vicintiy of his gruesome visage…these very words of horror chilled me to the bone:

HOOTS MON,YE WEE DOGGY BASTARD!!!

YE WEE WIFEY AND I ARE VERY MUCH IN LOVE,AND WE HAVE ELOPED TO GRETNA GREEN WHERE WE GAN GET MARRIED!

(Rubbish Scottish accent)

I know…bless him he hasn’t worked in ages,it’s probably affected his mind.Anyway back to the action…

DEIDRE SAYS YE CAN CLEAN YOUR OWN THIRD RAIL,YE WEE SASSENACH BUM-SNIFFER !!

P.S I’M THE BEST DOCTOR WHO EVER!!!!

P.P.S SO THERE !!!

P.P.P.S TOM BAKER IS RUBBISH!!!

The horror…the horror.

Dumped for Doctor Who…and not even one of the good ones.

Mother-appreciator.

So this is how you now find The Blog Dog,my Constant Reader…Deidre-less,tea-less and very possibly custard-cream-less.And even worse than that…I’ve got a fucking David Tennant poster on my wall.

What will my guests think ??

I suppose I’ll have to take it down myself ,too.

(Aw bless)

I’ve still got you,dear Rizla, my faithful retainer…my wife has left me for a has-been,my reputation is in tatters….and I haven’t had a cuppa for hours,put the kettle on would you-

-OI! Come back you sod !!!

Shit.

‘Tis I,The Blog Dog…the dog’s dog,the Hocus bloke,the lad himself,the cosmic dick,the mutt’s nuts,here to celebrate my blog reaching the ton! Deidre and I would like to thank all of my fear-fans for their faultless following of my adventures over the past 99 blogs.The little woman and I are currently on holiday in a flashback in Devon,so the blog has been left in the hairy palms of my slave, Rizla…but fear not!! I am,at this very moment,while Deidre puts the dinner on,banging out another existential episode of the orgasmically exciting Marjorie Misnomer series.I do enjoy banging one out of an afternoon..anyway…I’ve also commissioned that fine piece of brainy crackling,Bettany Hughes,to write my life story which will be appearing in the pages of this very blog in the not too distant future,if she can pull her finger out.AND as if that wasn’t enough to make you wet yourself unselfconsciously,I’m also working on the next cranium-cracking chapter of The Necronomnomicon…get in!!!

The future is here,the future is me…a peristaltic smack in the mush,a bunch of fives,madder than a cartload of arseholes,the pan-dimensional scream of terror,the piece of blue cheese you found under the cooker,the standing-in-the-middle-of-Tesco-with an-itchy-arse feeling of helplessness…I am the Hound of the Baskervilles,humping your leg…quite simply,The Blog Dog!

As Yoda once said….

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

….but Yoda was 2 feet tall,looked like a scrotum and never won any of his lightsabre duels.

HATE IS GREAT.

I am often accused of having very high standards and of thinking that the world desperately wants to hear my opinion on whatever subject is currently passing through my chakra.Granted,the main subject does tend to be Doctor Who,a television programme very close to my heart,a topic on which I have several definitive theories,the product of painstaking original research over a timespan of 30 years.This qualifies me to say that Tom Baker (hallowed be His name) is the best Doctor Who ever….saying David Tennant is just because you fancy him when you haven’t seen the programme in it’s entirety is,frankly,sad.

But I digress.

I LOVE TO HATE.

I AM A HATER.

AND I AM PROUD TO BE A HATER….EVERYTHING THAT YOU HOLD DEAR,I HATE.

And there is an awful lot to hate these days….Cheryl Cole,”Prof.” Brian Cox,those Morrison ads with Richard Hammond,Hollyoaks,Skins,The Gadget Show,Steve Ryder,Ben Fogle,James Corden,Jimmy Carr,the fact that Eva Mendes isn’t in my bedroom RIGHT NOW,burnt toast,bus stations,Kate Humble,John Barrowman,Gavin & Stacey,Matt Smith,David Tennant (although his career is at an end so thankfully we won’t see much of him from now on),did I mention Cheryl Cole ?,people who don’t like Lady Gaga…..I could go on…

Shall I ?

OK then….

……endless tv shows called things like “100 most amusing things pulled out of someone’s arse”,anything starring Cheryl Cole,Cheryl Cole,any kind of dancing/skating/shagging/twatting-about “celebrity” reality thing,Americans,Matt Baker,”Sir” Steve Redgrave,the former somebody but now unemployed nobody,the fact that 6Music is being axed when John Barrowman continues to contaminate my screen,Russell T. Davies and what he’s done to Doctor Who,my complete failure to win the lottery,the BBC stealing my licence fee to make another series of Snog,Marry Avoid?,people who say “could of” instead of “could have”,Stephen Fry.Jonathan Ross,Most Haunted,Russell Brand,that fat twat on the GoCompare ad,you know the opera singer (dodgy claim to fame-I was in school with him….I don’t hate HIM,per se…it’s just couldn’t he have picked a less annoying advert?),having to go to the toilet in the middle of a film at the cinema,Tom Cruise’s teeth,Rhod Gilbert (dodgy claim to fame #2-his mother taught French at my secondary school-she was funnier),and finally,Cheryl Cole….oh and David Tennant.

Name anything…..I guarantee you that that I hate it.

But I’m happy in my house of hate….and I shall be firmly ensconced therein this coming weekend when the new “Doctor Who” starts with missing link Matt Smith…

Just to forewarn you….I shall be hating BIGTIME,because there is no physical way that the new series can be anything but utter shit….

…BUT…

…if,by some weird,unholy,unnatural,wrong conjunction of the stars I actually like it (and I will give it a chance for one episode,I’m kind like that),then I will eat my own SPLEEN,in public,date and venue to be announced.

 I shall be also live-tweeting during the episode,so you’d better unfollow me sharpish if you get offended by the words “dump”,”fucking lame shit”,”childish dumbed down bollocks” and “bring Tom Baker back pdq”.

TTFN!

Tesco Rage Sweeps The Nation!!!

Posted: September 27, 2009 in Life
Tags: , , , , ,

IMGIn May of this year,Robert Caton,a 50 year old gentleman from Andover in Hampshire,went up to a security guard in his local Tesco and asked him how long it would take to evacuate the building.

That was shortly before he drove his Rolls Royce through the supermarket window after drinking two bottles of whisky,causing £21,000 worth of damage,and the store lost £41,000 in sales as they cleared up the mess.

It took him 2 go’s to smash through the window.

Six women suffered cuts,bruises and shock and a woman who was 20 weeks pregnant had to go to hospital.

Apparently,he had “simply snapped.”

The court heard he had “saved-up” for a bed and cupboard for his 3yr old son’s bedroom,but the mattress he thought would come with it did not arrive.

Hmmm…..I know how he feels,although I’ve never resorted to ram-raiding Tesco….blowing the bloody place up perhaps…

Thankfully today’s trip was not this eventful,although the Mother Unit did at one point say that having my son and myself with her was like taking 2 kids shopping…we weren’t THAT naughty,honest ;).

Comic relief was provided by a lady who’s trolley was so full she was having trouble pushing the bloody thing,and was not being helped by her husband/boyfriend/significant other who preferred to just watch.

BUT I forgot to get cup-a-soups….

What else did I do over the weekend….well,played videogames with my son,thought about my girlfriend,played cards,told my son about my girlfriend,went out to town,bored my son by telling him about my girlfriend a bit more….came back,drove my son up the wall by dropping interesting snippets of information about my girlfriend in to the conversation….very packed weekend really.

Oh did I tell you I’m going back up to “that London” to see her in a couple of weeks?

I’m a citizen of the universe,me….I have no fear about travelling to the big city..if you knew what was waiting for me,you’d be on the first bus out too.

I’d be quite happy to WALK there….but luckily National Express offer very reasonable rates.

Hmm…I seem to have wandered off topic a tad….do I look like I give a monkeys??

To recap…mad bloke drives his Roller through Tesco window….that’s it.

See you next time !!!

And now,tea.

The 1000 Hits Post!

Posted: August 11, 2009 in Life, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

happy_peopleWell ain’t this grand….arf arf.

1,000 blog hits.

When I started this blog,I thought 16 hits was a lot.

Now I’ve got one chuffing thousand…well blog me.This may mean that I have to start taking this seriously.

Is this update actually about anything?

No.

Does it feature Daleks and Cup-A-Soup?

For once,no and no.

Is this update self-indulgent and self-congratulatory?

Yes and yes.

Am I chuffed to buggery and back to reach this milestone?

Yes.

Because only a few weeks ago I used to dread getting up in the morning…you could say I’d lost the will to live.

Now I’ve found something I’m good at….(or at least something I’m good at that can be done in public,nudge nudge.)

Sometimes…I’m even in a good mood.

Things can only get better!

(Hopefully this blog will too!)

And now—a picture of a kitten in a big tea-cup! AWWWWW!!

KITTYCUPDABIGTHANKS-vi

subliminal advertising...

This blog in no way endorses the excellent products produced by Apple

I have absolutely nothing to blog about today,so please forgive me if I make random shit up.

Ooh I know…seeing that this blog has been going for about a fortnight,how about a few updates to previous blogs with some funny photos that i’ve spent all bloody afternoon finding because I have no life?

No?

Sod ya then….because you’re getting it.

First up…a gross error of judgement.

Calendar fail…Alkie-Neighbour’s birthday party is TONIGHT.

The grannies have been ominously massing since midday.Worse still,they all know which house I live in,and I swear I saw a few of them look lustily in the general direction of my front door.

My life is in great danger…I saw the Octo-Drunk making sausage rolls earlier.

I fear the aged,wrinkled face at the door…the hideously gnarled hand upon my knocker.

I got her a card…stuck it through her box earlier,then legged it.I’ll pretend to be out for the rest of the evening,that should do it.

On a related not,I still have no light in the living room or landing.I haven’t been able to psych myself up to go and buy bulbs…although this may help me out this evening…hmmm…nice coincidence.

Talking of dolphins,I received a brochure in the post today about Community Education Courses.As I was about to funny-pictures-hermione-cat-knows-all-the-answersrecycle this delirious tome,I paused…and decided to give it a cursory glance.And I’m mightily glad I did because I am now going to sign up to a £50,ten-week course to teach me how to sell on eBay,while squeezing in a bit of pilates,yoga and introduction to massage…and perhaps a bit of lacemaking.

Ooh and belly-dancing…I need a bit of that.

On a more sobering note,it appears my last post caused a bit of a stir.Aspersions were cast on The Blog Dog’s kind and loving nature.

In short,that The Blog Dog was,in no uncertain terms,a “Bad Arse.”

I know,I know…I’m shocked too.

These accusations are completely false…The Blog Dog is NOT a “bad arse” of any kind,but would like to point out thatfpfanimal0 the extremely handsome young man who types out his blogs,known only as sabbathdei,is a complete and utter “bad arse” but nice with it.That is all.

And to bring this swiftly to a close because I fancy a cuppa,I’m still not married,still can’t drive,still love Duran Duran and am still totally single.

I thank you.

Next time…I’ll think of something serious to write about,I promise…

BettanyHughes

Bettany Hughes

Hello,I’m Bettany Hughes…historian,brainbox and all-round babe,and I’m here to tell you about the history of Cup-A-Soup.

Cup-A-Soup…

The very name resounds throughout history like a great big resounding thing.But it’s story has never been told…until now.

It’s very origins are shrouded in secrecy…some say it came to Earth in a meteorite when dinosaurs walked the planet.

Others that it was dug out of the ground around Stonehenge by druids in the 12th century.

We will never know for sure.

But luckily,thanks to historians throughout the ages,we can piece together the impact of Cup-A-Soup from the Stone Age right up to today.

The very first recorded appearance of Cup-A-Soup in history was during the Roman occupation of Britain.Vast mines were dug across the country to mine raw instant soup in a cup.Many people lost their lives doing this dangerous work due to the fact that Cup-A-Soup,in it’s raw unprocessed form,is highly explosive.

The Romans,besotted with the hug-in-a-mug,held wild Cup-A-Soup parties,especially in the city of Aquae Sulis,now known as Bath.In fact,to this day,all the inhabitants of Bath are addicted to Cup-A-Soup.

But it is not just its importance as a leisure drink that marks out Cup-A-Soup in history.

800px-Harold_dead_bayeux_tapestry

King Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth (possibly)

During the Battle of Bosworth Field,the Plantagenet King Richard III,after a bloody defeat by the hands of Henry Tudor,could be seen wandering the battlefield crying “minestrone,minestrone,my kingdom for a minestrone!”

But he was doomed never to get any.

The Tudor dynasty ruled for quite a bit after this.Henry VIII,who had his first wife,Catherine of Aragon,executed due to her preference for Pot Noodle,declared himself Head of the Church of England and announced that Cup-A-Soup would take the place of wine during Holy Communion.This,historians believe,is in honour of The Last Supper,where Christ served Cup-A-Soup and croutons….the “blood and the body.”

But it was his daughter,the virgin Queen Elizabeth I,who really took the consumption of Cup-A-Soup to new levels.It is

Elizabeth I pictured with her Cup-A-Soup pot and stirrer

Elizabeth I pictured with her Cup-A-Soup pot and stirrer

said she went to war against the Spanish for a laugh after enjoying a box-full of tomato soups in one sitting,and had her sister,Mary,Queen of Scots,beheaded after she secretly finished off the last of the chicken and blamed it on Shakespeare.In fact,it is rumoured that Shakespeare himself did indeed have a fondness for the powder-based snack,and was believed to have slipped references into his plays,such as Macbeth-“Double double,toil and trouble,fire burn,and golden vegetable bubble.”

In more recent times,Queen Victoria,named her 9 children after Cup-A-Soup varieties,and it was also instrumental during World War II when it was used as fuel for Spitfires.

Long-haired hippies high on Cup-A-Soup,yesterday....

Long-haired hippies high on Cup-A-Soup,yesterday....

During the Woodstock festival in the 1960s,long-haired hippie students,eager for that extra kick from Cup-A-Soup,took to snorting it straight from the sachet.However,some festival goers suffered ill effects due to a certain type of inferior “soup-in-a-cup” that was circulated through the crowds.This was later analysed and discovered to be Tesco’s own brand.

Of course,Cup-A-Soup has survived into the modern age,thanks in part to the discovery in 1969 that the moon is made from it.It is rumoured that this is the source of the snack,and that a government conspiracy exisits to cover up the existence of extra-terrestrial Cup-A-Soup miners.

Do aliens mine Cup-A-Soup on the moon?

Do aliens mine Cup-A-Soup on the moon?

Whatever its origins,one thing is for sure,Cup-A-Soup is great,(especially tomato) and is enjoyed all over the world  (but especially in Bath) for its tastiness and not-exactly-rocket-science preparation requirements.Because of this it is particularly popular amongst single men from Wales,and is made by the company Bachelors to this day.

Next time–I try not to be so easily led and get back to more important issues ;)p