2010 in review (it was shit)

This isn’t very interesting but it does have a photo of Tennant (not my idea) for the ladies,(but obviously not for Doctor Who fans because he has nothing to do with it) and lots of stats and stuff to show you how many wonderful peeploids worried my blog last year.

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

The average container ship can carry about 4,500 containers. This blog was viewed about 19,000 times in 2010. If each view were a shipping container, your blog would have filled about 4 fully loaded ships.

In 2010, there were 28 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 110 posts. There were 53 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 4mb. That’s about 1 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was February 17th with 559 views. The most popular post that day was Has Anyone Seen Our David…?.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were community.livejournal.com, twitter.com, blogsurfer.us, facebook.com, and spam-filtering-service.net-us.info.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for cheryl cole, underground map, london underground, lady gaga, and captain pugwash.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Has Anyone Seen Our David…? February 2010
2 comments

2

GaGa Ooh La La! December 2009
2 comments

3

Sci-Fi’s Unsung Heroes #53,627 – Ensign Ro Laren August 2009
2 comments

4

Star Wars Episode VII-A New Blog September 2009
2 comments

5

The One About Not Drinking August 2009
1 comment

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I really love Apple,but….

subliminal advertising...

…there are a few of its products that would test the faith of even the most fanatical Steve Jobs disciples,namely-

1. THE MACBOOK AIR-It’s a MacBook…it’s thin…that’s it.Nowhere near as sexy as the white MacBook or as beefy as the MacBook Pro,the Air is the laptop equivalent of another entry in this dubious list,the iPad….looks all lovely and shiny but you cannot think of even one reason why you should buy one other than to show off.We’ve all heard the story about the American pillock who allegedly put his Air on top of some newspapers on his coffee table and “accidentally” threw it out in the rubbish.Most likely,he realised he’d bought a turkey and devised a way for him to get rid of it while getting a bit of fame at the same time…it isn’t even that thin or that light.Talking of which…
2. THE IPAD-sadly not a kind of iPhone/sanitary towel mash-up,more an iPhone for someone with really big hands,the iPad is for people who want to have the apps they never use on their iPhones,but bigger.Obviously brought out by Apple in order to get a slice of the growing e-book market,it’s not quite a laptop,not quite anything really…except maybe a very expensive coffee-table paperweight-the top of the range with 3G and wi-fi is £699.If you think that’s a reasonable price to pay to read online newspaper articles from the comfort of your armchair because you’re to lazy to walk to your computer,than good luck to you….just don’t take it outside with you,because if you’re not mugged then you’ll realise the major drawback to the iPad and indeed the iPhone…no 3G,no happiness.Believe me I know…my mother’s house is a kind of technology black hole from whence no signal can escape.I keep on at her to get broadband,but she’s still struggling with BBC 2.And talking of television-
3. APPLE TV-do you actually know anyone with one of these? If,for some strange reason,you want to watch your Lady Gaga videos or the vastly overpriced films you bought from iTunes on your main television,you can use the Apple TV to stream it down the intertubes.Quite frankly,if you’re buying films and TV series from iTunes,then you are stupid….or rich…or a stupid rich person,so it’s probably only fitting that you have a special gadget that costs £233 to watch them on.Maybe you’d like one of these,too-
4. IPOD NANO-The 16GB version costs £138 and is a must for people who like squinting at Beyonce’s latest video or that film they took of their neighbour sunbathing topless,because the shiny new Nano now records video onto a miniscule screen.Think of the hours of fun to be had watching Avatar on a one-inch screen.Ooh and it’s got a radio and a pedometer!!! Much more useful and fun is the iPod Shuffle…totally bereft of buttons or screen,a disembodied voice,in the manner of a slightly more urbane Stephen Hawking, announces the name of the song you’re listening to,in case,like me,you download any old crap without actually checking what it is first.Or you’ve only got a 5 second memory.

Even though I worship at the altar of Apple,and regularly make pilgimages to the Apple Store in Cardiff,I’m kind of glad that there have been problems with the new iPhone 4,because Apple was starting to resemble the Evil Empire,and needed a kick in their complacency.They don’t want to get TOO big,because there’s only one way to go from there.Poor old Microsoft are being left behind,quite rightly,I think,because people are turning away from clunky old PCs and wonky Windows,and instead buying into the Apple ethic…stone-cold sexy gear that has a uniform identity that works (well sometimes,but more often than a PC.) If you’ve stood face-to-face with a 27″ iMac,then you’ll know what I’m talking about.Sexier than Eva Mendes smothered in strawberry cheescake,I’m going to get one when I can find a buyer for my kidneys.

Doctor Who-The Eleventh Hour-The Definitive Review

Well…I told you,didn’t I ?

Confession…..I wrote that yesterday,convinced in my mind as I was that the new Doctor Who would be shit.

Well it was…..but not that much.

True,the new title sequence,theme tune,redesign of the TARDIS console room,the new Doctor’s costume,the continuity announcer at the end of the episode who sounded like he was being paid per palpitation,(OK that one doesn’t count) and the continuation of the annoying trend of the female companion having a dopey (although in this case,entertaining) boyfriend—all these factors were appalling.Woeful.Awful.Dumpage.

But these are things that cannot be changed,so there’s not much anyone can do about them…so we don’t need to dwell on them….and as a lifelong Doctor Who fan (I haz the skillz) I am prepared to look beyond a naff title sequence and theme tune arrangment (by turning the sound down) if the stories are up to scratch.I’ve done it before.

First episodes are a curious beast…for every Spearhead From Space there’s a Time And The Rani.(Google them if you don’t know) The Eleventh Hour (Ooh…eleventh Doctor,lasted an hour…see what they did there?),was Matt Smith’s debut gig,and,as the saying goes,very much a game of two halves.

Despite initial misgivings as the Doctor clinged desperately to the TARDIS as it plummeted towards the next plot device,the newboy started to show some glimmers of promise,while obviously haunted by David Tennant.Matt Smith,like the episode itself, was at his best during the first half hour when he wasn’t quite himself,in typical post-regeneration fashion.So good was he,in fact,that I actually said out loud (to myself-don’t judge) “He’s quite good”…and,yes,those words tasted like vinegar 🙂

 As the episode progressed,we were introduced to new companion-in-waiting,Amelia “Amy” Pond who,in quite gobsmackingly perverse fashion,managed to be nowhere near as awful as I had been dreading.Cue more vinegary words….but hey,I can admit to being wrong,I’m all grown-up and mature,like.I’m not the kind of person who slags something off before it’s even started,what do you take me for 😛 ??? (IRONY) I’m entitled to change my mind on a whim…I’m in touch with my feminine side.

I don’t do spoilers (well sometimes),so I won’t go into too much detail,suffice it to say that there’s a slightly naff monster,a bit of running around,a little bit of padding,and what appears to be a bit of a smack in the face for Tennant fans during one of those flashbacks that used to make the fans drool back in the day.That’s assuming there’s any women still watching,of course,what with young Matt’s less-than-perfect boatrace,but then if that’s why you’re watching,then,basically,you shouldn’t be watching.

But enough Tennant-bashing–he’s history,yesterday’s Time Lord. We’ve got a new bloke for the next 12 episodes,which,judging by the trailer,will feature several returning monsters,including the Daleks,Rubbish Cybermen and The Weeping Angels….and this is where Matt Smith will win or fail,by the strength of his stories-he’s pretty much on probation for his first season.Tennant had to gurn his way through some real stinkers,but had neither the presence nor the ability of previous Doctor Who actors to transcend the scripts’ shortcomings.Matt’s showing a glimmer….just a glimmer,mind…of something interesting…whether it develops into anything,we shall have to wait and see.

Time,as it always does,will tell.

P.S I shall be making good on my promise to eat my own spleen in public soon…stay tuned for ticket prices 😛

TTFN!!

There is no such thing as bad publicity…

…I love it.

Check this out-

Viagra...now available for blogs...

After my heartfelt plea for information on the whereabouts of the previously famous David Tennant,currently residing in the Where-Are-They-Now-File,I was inundated with information from the caring public.

The appeal became the subject of two very interesting forums…sadly their information did not lead to the location of Mr.Tennant.
But it made me laugh.
Also,I got supermassive traffic to my blog…which is all that matters.
Because…

I LOVE PISSING PEOPLE OFF.

FECKING LOVE IT.

SEEING THE EFFORT THESE “PEOPLE” WENT TO SLAGGING ME OFF MAKES ME THROB IN VERY INTERESTING PLACES.

In return for them linking to my blog from their “website”,I have included links to their sites over there on the right….under the non-judgemental heading My Lovely Haters-(like Father Ted’s My Lovely Horse,but not as funny) so you,Constant Reader, can see for yourself the high level of abuse and hate which I completely adore on a daily basis.

Haters….you gotta love ’em-because they don’t love themselves.

And now,for the benefit of the Forum Fails, a photo of the best Doctor Who ever—try and learn something.

GOD

Doctor Who-The End Of Time–Definitive Review

“By your final episode,shall thee be judged.”

So said God when he set out the rules of Doctor Who,on the 8th day.

And so shall David Tennant be judged,as he took his leave,in somewhat embarrassing fashion,on New Year’s Day in Part 2 of The End Of Time.

If the final part of Tom Baker’s last story,Logopolis,represents the zenith,then this is the nadir.

I simply cannot find a single good thing to say about these two episodes,apart from the fact that we finally got rid of Tennant,even if it took a bit of a struggle (of which,more anon.)

Part 1 can be easily dismissed as just a rather boring setup for the cliffhanger at the end with the return of the Time Lords,with the President played hilariously by Timothy Dalton,the pride of Colwyn Bay,and former James Bond.

Oh,and The Master comes back,but it’s the rubbish one played by John Simm,and he can fly….no,I don’t know why either.He’s turned everyone on Earth in to replicas of himself…yes,it is as naff and pointless as it sounds. (Don’t worry,everyone gets better)

On to the second episode.

Oh dear.

Clocking in at around 1hr 20,the episode was bursting at the seams with the most shameless padding and superfluous scenes ever seen in the series’ history.

A scene with Tennant moping around being emotional on a spaceship lasts for about 30 minutes….then there’s a sequence of sfx to justify the licence fee,and THEN the torture is ended by-

THE WORST MOMENT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PROGRAMME.

Believe me I speak from experience. 

It’s the bit where the Doctor jumps out of a spaceship…just falls,really.Through the air,through the roof and lands on the floor.

Just plummets.

Totally pointless….

Cue more padding.

The Time Lords pop up again,and lucky for the population of the planet,they’ve brought along Russell T Davies’ favourite plot-device,the Off-Switch,and they rather kindly turn everyone back to normal.

How convenient.

Then they go away again,after posing a threat for exactly one minute….there was absolutely no reason for them to be in the story,other than just for the sake of having a new enemy in the show.

The Doctor has saved the day again.Hoorah…..but oh no,he has to sacrifice himself to save Bernard Cribbins,which will surely trigger the much anticipated regeneration.

Except…OMG…look at the clock…there’s half a bloody hour to go…how the **** can they pad out the regeneration for that long?

Stay tuned….they CAN.

And they DID.

For a full 30 minutes Tennant revisits all his companions in a shameless advert for Torchwood/Sarah Jane Adventures….even when he gets to the TARDIS to get down to business,he takes his own sweet time,as if the producers wanted us to really be upset that Tennant is going.

His last words won’t do him any favours either,when the roll is called up yonder….

“I don’t want to go.”

Heroic….NOT.

Compare Tom Baker’s last words-

“It’s the end,but the moment has been prepared for.”

I presume Tennant’s words were chosen to represent the feelings of the fans (for fans read “women”) who don’t want Tennant to go.

Tom’s last words signify not only the end of the 4th Doctor’s reign but also the end of the greatest era of Doctor Who as a programme.

Finally the moment all true fans have been waiting for,the only reason we tuned in…even my mother watched it to see the new boy.

Suddenly,Matt Smith,the 11th Doctor,was born,screaming,before us.

What can we deduce from such a brief appearance?

A lot.

1. It looks like he’s going to act in what he thinks is a “Doctor Who-ey” kind of way-this is bad…the best Doctors played themselves.
2. He is an…”interesting” looking chap-hopefully his performance will be interesting too,and he won’t be hampered by being some sort of sex symbol.He can concentrate on being Doctor Who instead.
3. At one point he gobs at the console…honest,he spits…go and have a look.

He’s going to be bloody terrible,just like Tennant…

But we shall see.

“By your final episode,shall thee be judged.”

The End Of Time -this one story sums up the Tennant era perfectly-

Overblown

Too long

Unnecessary special effects

Ineffectual enemies

The Off-Switch 

Over-acting

Padding

Not exactly the show’s finest hour.

Come the spring,we shall see if it’s all going to start again,or if the proper fans will finally get the series we deserve.

Attention Women Of Britain!!

THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON BEHALF OF THE REAL FANS OF DOCTOR WHO

David Tennant has left the programme

Normal service has been resumed

There is no need for any women to keep watching

Any females wishing to continue viewing Doctor Who must first complete and pass a written examination to ascertain their knowledge of the programme 

This will ensure only proper fans of Doctor Who are watching

All the other women who only watched Doctor Who to lust after Tennant can bugger off and watch Hollyoaks

Thank you

 

Size Matters

If your hard drive is currently bursting at the seams with all that downloaded pornography music,then it may be time to upgrade.

Gigabyte,shmigabyte–that’s so last century…..you want a Terabyte at least.

Below is a handy,cut-out-and-keep guide to the chuffing enormous data storage sizes we may be seeing in the future (sadly some of them are science fiction at the moment).

(I’ve rounded the figures out to 1000GB=1TB for simplicity,but it is in fact closer to 1024GB)

1000 GIGABYTES=1 TERABYTE.Could hold 1000 copies of the Encyclopedia Britannica,300 hours of good quality video,or 3.6 million 300 Kilobyte images.Currently available as external hard drives or on Apple Imacs–will soon be standard on all PCs I suppose.

1000 TERABYTES = 1 PETABYTE=1,000,000 GIGABYTES.Could store 500 billion pages of standard printed text.The same amount of data would fit on 500 million floppy disks.

1000 PETABYTES=1 EXABYTE=1,000,000,000 GIGABYTES.This is BIG….it has been said that 5 Exabytes would be equal to all of the words ever spoken by mankind….a billion gigs,for god’s sake….

Can you take a bit more?

1000 EXABYTES=1 ZETTABYTE=1,000,000,000,000 GIGABYTES.A trillion gigs…that’s a lot of Cliff Richard songs.In 2008, Americans consumed 3.6 zetabytes of information online.

1000 ZETTABYTES=1 YOTTABYTE=now we’re getting silly-1 QUADRILLION GIGABYTES-1,000,000,000,000,000.It would take approximately 11 trillion years to download a yottabyte file from the Internet using high-power broadband. You can compare it to the World Wide Web as the entire Internet almost takes up a Yottabyte.Also 50 times the number of red blood cells in the human body…

This is where we get a bit weird….

1000 YOTTABYTES=1 BRONTOBYTE…not a dinosaur’s dinner,but 1 QUINTILLION GIGABYTES,or 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 if you get turned on by zeros…

….and because someone obviously had too much time on their hands,they came up with this-

1000 BRONTOBYTES=1 GEOPBYTE-1 SEXTILION GIGABYTES…1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.Apparently the number of grains of sand on the planet….

Phew.

I used to think a 512 megabyte hard drive was a lot…

Dr.Who-Love—Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love David Tennant

Just look at this-

Yes it is,isn't it....

And this-

Doctor Who?????

The only good thing I can take from this debacle is that it looks like Tennant gets a right old pasting before regenerating,judging by the remains of his outfit as modelled by the eleventh Doctor….”Matt Smith.”

“Who?”

Exactly.

Now…..as you no doubt know,I am a lifelong Doctor Who fan….and my knowledge and opinions on the subject are not to be questioned…. 😉

In other words,I can say with authority that the new logo is absolute dump,and the new actor doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence either.Obviously he’s got some rather large boots to fill…just as Peter Davison followed the best Doctor ever,Sir Tom Baker (This is a FACT by the way…but feel free to post your disagreements/comments below so I can delete them all in one go 😉 ),poor old Matt has to follow the boy Tennant…so right from the off he’s going to be unfairly compared to him.

He hasn’t got a hope.

He’ll have to be twice as good as Tennant just to be considered as good as Tennant.

Look at it this way- David Tennant represents £100 in a bank account,and Matt Smith has to match that…unfortunately he’s £100 overdrawn.

(Where do I get this crap from?)

Anyway…

We could be witnessing the beginning of the end of Doctor Who….again.

And so,even though I swore I would never say this…come back,David….all is forgiven….

…but no overacting this time,matey.

P.S. that logo is really really bad….

The Necronomnomicon Part 2-Thunderballs!!!

Count Mephistopheles Von Tiddles.....yesterday.

The story so far:

I,Blog Dog,Agent Double Oh-Woof,undertook a mission on behalf of HM The Queen (God Bless Her) to recover the lost book,The Necronomnomicon,for England and all that.In cahoots with Agent Norma Snockers,we discovered our first clue in the bowels of the Top Secret Library Of Very Scary Books,from whence the book was half-inched….a cat hair that could only belong to my old nemesis,that Malfeasant Moggy—Count Mephistopheles Von Tiddles!!!

Now read on!!

Scene-EXT

Aston Martin BD-5,speeding towards the British Museum

I gripped the wheel of the Aston and sped towards The British Museum…..I wanted to see my old friend Professor Bernardo Whiplash-Prebendary,an expert on spooky books and all that Dan Brown,Lawrence Da Vinci secret society bollocks.

Norma was still out cold in the passenger seat,her blouse loosened so she could breathe easily,and so I could have a look at her-

-so I could make sure she was alright.

I came to a screeching stop outside the museum,narrowly missing a group of students….so I reversed and made sure I flattened the scruffy bastards.

I stepped from the Aston,scuttling over the twitching bodies of the unwashed,workshy,cup-a-soup guzzling,long-haired wasters-

(Not too keen on students,then?)

-and trotted into the museum,the unconscious Norma slung over my shoulder.I stepped into the lift and rode it to the thirteenth floor,where the professor’s office was located.

Professor Whiplash-Prebendary’s office was disguised as a mop cupboard,but was far bigger on the inside than outside,like that thing off the telly…you know,Doctor What,with that Scottish bloke,whatsisname….Derek Tenement.

(Hah…I could show him a thing or two about time-travelling…I’ve battled the dreaded Garleks throughout space and time,and I didn’t continually over-act while doing it.

And you should have seen my scarf-it was epic.)

Anyhoo…

But this was the real thing…the trick was all to do with books.

Just as second-hand bookshops and libraries will increase their interior size to accommodate the books within (shops selling NEW books don’t do this),any room with sufficient reading matter within it will also extend it’s inner volume out  through our dimension and into the higher non-Euclidean dimensions,stretching it’s very atoms to fill the dreadful,unknowable void of the Etherverse.

All you need is enough secondhand books…and Prof.Whiplash-Prebendary sure loved books.

If you’ve never seen half a million well-thumbed Mills&Boon paperbacks stacked floor-to-ceiling before,I recommend you pay the Professor a visit.

It is quite a sight.

Mind you,so is the Professor….6ft 6 inches tall,white hair like an explosion in a sherbet factory and built like a brick convenience.

Quite a woman,is Bernardo Whiplash-Prebendary.

The Prof was sat at her desk,bent over a book…I crept up behind and read over her shoulder-

“Percy gazed longingly at Deidre….her glass eye glinted in the moonlight….her heaving bosom heaved rhythmically in time with the tossing cruise liner.She pressed her firm yet yielding body up against Percy…Deidre could feel his growing passion poking into her nether regions.Deidre looked at Percy lustily,and said “Oi,put that away-you’re half decent-”

“My girlfriend’s called Deidre.” I remarked.

The Prof. swung round,startled.

“Ah there you effing well are Blog Dog,you old sod! Who’s the totty?” she asked,indicating the still asleep Norma.

“Agent Norma Snockers.”

“Hmm….named after her father,no doubt.Anyway,what the bloody hell can I do you for?”

“It’s Von Tiddles…he’s stolen the Necronomnomicon!”

“Jesus H.Tennant!! Not the chuffing Necronomnomnomicon!!”

“It’s just two noms,actually,Prof.”

“Sorry,I’ll try again……………..Not the chuffing Necronomnomicon!!”

“The very same!”

“Not the Necronomnomicon!” cried Norma,then went back to sleep.

(You’re only keeping her asleep because you can’t think of any funny lines for her…or for anyone else for that matter.)

“What a bastard!”

(Charming!)

Not you…

“Quite….and he’s going to use it to summon up all kinds of spooky,blobby shit to lay waste to dear old Blighty and have the streets run with blood,dogs and cats living together,and things of that nature generally.”

“So now you’re going after him to right royally twat him and get the book back?”

“Not ‘arf.”

“Fecking great! Will there be gratuitous sex and violence along the way?”

“Oh yes!”

“Funting marvellous!! Although I read in The Times that you’d recently jumped the broomstick…to the divine Deidre Macbeth?

“Ah yes,but a secret agent on Her Majesty’s (God Bless Her) official secret service is sometimes required to give in and of himself in the line of duty….that often includes nailing any nice piece of crackling that comes his way.”

(By the way,are you still carrying Norma on your shoulder?)

Yes…she was pressing against me in a way that suggested she more than lived up to her name…anyway,shush,there’s an exciting bit coming up.

(Thank god for that…I’m sure you’re getting paid by the letter,or something…oh,and Deidre said to tell you the dinner is ready.)

Tell her I’ll be right there.

Just then,there was an almighty crash from the corridor…the door of the office was rent asunder…and there,framed in the doorway was an abomination….a creature of such horrific countenance,of such awful visage,of such…suchness….that even I was speechless…

The Professor stood firm…she squared up to the monster.

It towered over her…no mean feat.

The horror stared balefully at the Prof,and opened it’s hideous mouth….inside was a Hell of teeth,worthy of some monster piranha….

A “voice” from the deepest pit of Hades spewed forth-

“Would you and your friend like a cup of tea,dear?”,it said.

“For chuff’s sake,Mum that’s the third door you’ve knackered this week….yes,we would like a cup of tea,please.Bloggers,you knob,you can come out now it’s only me old Mum.”

“Ah…ha ha I wasn’t hiding,I was umm….ummm…”

“Milk and sugar?”

“Yes please.”

“How many lumps?”

“Three please.”

“Sugar?”

“Yes….hurry up and pour,I’ve got a book to find-The Necronomnomicon!”

“The Necronomnomicon!” cried the Professor.

“The Necronomnomicon!” cried the Professor’s Mum.

“The Necronomnomicon!” cried Norma Snockers,who hadn’t had many lines in this episode.

“The very same…I don’t have a moment to lose……any custard creams?”

Next Episode-The Man With The Golden Bun!

The Curious Case Of Marmaduke Flange

"Is that Elvis....?!?"

Hello again,mystery fans!

It is I,Le Chien de Blog,with another blast of bizarro badinage!

Many seekers of truth travel to my Fortress,seeking my knowledge and wisdom on a myriad of subjects….long haired hippie students all.Some I invite in for a cup of tea and a chocolate hob-nob and to tutor in the ways of The Blog Dog…some I immediately feed to the piranhas.

They all ask the same things…what is the meaning of life…what happens after you die…will Arsenal win the Cup this season…?

I tell all of them the same thing…whatever metaphysical bollocks I can think of at the time.Works like a dream.

But I digress.

I'm not in this photograph...I was behind the wall chatting up Florence Nightingale...

This week’s tale concerns my old friend Marmaduke Flange and that spot of trouble we had in the 19th century.It is quite gobsmackingly exciting,so anyone of a nervous disposition should ask someone to read it for them and tone down the drama.

Any road up,there I was at the Great Exhibition at Crystal Palace in 1851,perusing the collection of Etruscan Snoods,when a right kerfuffle broke out over by the stuffed wombats.As you’d expect,I was muchly miffed at having my contemplation interrupted,and so marched over to the Ground Zero of the disturbance to give the ruckus-meister a piece of my mind,which believe me, is considerable.

Upon reaching the scene,I was shocked to discover my old chum Marmaduke Flange,an officer and a gentleman, (I don’t know who the other two were),positioned upon the ground in a state of some small agitation.

“My dear Flange,” I ejaculated,”what on Earth is appertaining?”

The boy Flange fixed me with his gaze.”Bloggers…is it…really you?” he gasped,grabbing my paw in panic.

I produced my hip flask and bade him partake of a sip.

(Where did you pull that from?)

*Sigh*…I took it from my waistcoat pocket,obviously.Now…kindly do one….anyway…

“Yes it’s me,Flange…now tell me,old chap,what is the cause of this argy-bargy?”

“Bloggers…it’s him…The Baron…he’s got the Machine!” Flange passed out,and my blood ran cold.

“Baron Mutatis Mutandis!”

My old nemesis!

This was grave news indeed…but I kept a stiff upper.Some of the lady folk assembled around Flange’s prone form took to fainting…I of course…*ahem*…assisted them by loosening their clothing so they could breath easier.

(I’m sure their husbands liked that.)

They were on their own,you muppet.

(In the 19th century? I think not.)

Well…umm…ah! Their husbands were distracted by what happened next! Which was really amazing and awesome and like something from a film.Happy now?

(Yes…for now….but if the next bit ISN’T really amazing and awesome and like something from a film…)

It will be.Now bugger off.

Scene of my finest hour.

Just then,as the ladies recovered their composure,if not their complete dignity,there was an explosion from above.Glass showered down upon the throng as The Baron’s Airship loomed into view and trained its Laser Discombobulator on the masses.One particularly astute gentleman pointed skywards and exclaimed-

“Look at that…it’s really amazing and awesome and like something from a film…even though films haven’t been invented yet,but I’m pretty sure that’s what they will look like when they have been!”

(How have you got away with this twaddle for so long?)

Charm,dear boy…simple charm.Now-

I spied the Baron at the controls…and he spied me.He smiled evilly.Putting a megaphone to his lips,he addressed the crowd in his dread tones…

“People of London…prepare to be twatted.”

Ha! He hadn’t changed…he was still a silver-tongued charmer.

I pulled my folding telescope from my Gladstone bag and gave the Airship and the Baron a good looking over.He had taken to twiddling some knobs on a scary looking metal contrivance…and Flange’s words came back to bite me on the bum.

The Solar-Proangular-Vetrosa-Meter!

There was no time to lose…he had to be stopped or all of London would be completely shafted!

I ran towards the stuffed mammoth display and scuttled up his trunk.Upon reaching the top of the prehistoric pachyderm,I opened my bag and produced my jet-pack.Slipping it on,I let rip,soaring up towards whatever fate was in store for me,with no thought for my own safety.

The Baron saw me thrusting towards him and opened fire with his Discombobulator…a shot caught my jet-pack.It zoomed off in one direction,and I zoomed off in another.Luckily,I managed to grab a convenient guy rope with my teeth,and,gripping it with my front paws,swung through the window of the gondola-

(What’s this “gondola” business?)

That’s the bit underneath an airship where people and super-villains sit.Now shush,it’s time for the big showdown.

-I swung through the window in a shower of glass and wood and bits of Airship…it looked epic.I hoped someone on the ground,preferably one of the young ladies,was watching.Maybe someone had a camcorder.

The Baron evilly stood there,looking evil.

“Well if it isn’t The Blog Dog…..still chasing your own arse,are you?” he cackled.

I stayed cool,ignoring him.I eyed the Solar-Proangular-Vetrosa-Meter warily.The Baron noticed my noticings.

“Yes you are correct,you smelly little rabbit-chaser.In exactly five minutes time I will activate the Machine and the whole of London will be totally wankered.”

“How vulgar…it’s a Tuesday…no-one does anything of any importance on a Tuesday.”

“Choose your next witticism carefully,Mr. Dog,it may be your last.” said The Baron.”Anyway,there won’t be any more Tuesdays after they get a dose of this baby!” he spat,stroking his instrument of doom.Then,he whipped out a revolver and pointed it at me,right between my eyes.

I held fast.

It was the end…but I faced it with dignity.

“You’ve interfered in my plans for the last time,Dog.Now…prepare to meet your maker.”

Baron Mutatis Mutandis smiled.

Then he pulled the trigger.

I was dead.

Or at least I would have been if my jet-pack had not, at that exact moment crashed through the front window on its bonkers trajectory and nutted the Baron a good one from behind.

(You’re just taking the piss now,aren’t you?)

The shot went wild,up through the balloon itself,causing the whole Airship to list dangerously to the left.

The Baron was out cold.I had saved the day again,but had no means of escape from certain doom.The Airship was going down,and my jet-pack was on its way to the Isle of Dogs.

The odds were against me,and the situation was grim.

(Come on,doggy…let’s see you write your way out of this one.)

There was only one thing for it…I would have to use the parachute.

(Words fail me….they really do.)

I leaped from the buggered Airship,pulling the ripcord,and landing heroically in the midst of the grateful ladyfolk of London.The Airship itself crashed a second or so later in an orgasm of fire and exploding bits and stuff.I saw the Solar-Proangular-Vetrosa-Meter blow up…probably for the best,although it did make excellent bacon butties.

Sadly,it did destroy 5 houses,3 Hansom cabs and a few of those urchin types you always see in the Victorian era were slightly singed.

I grimly assumed the Baron was also toast.

But London was saved,and I was once again a hero.I lunched with Her Majesty The Queen,and reluctantly accepted a Knighthood.I was now Sir Blog Of Dog,and young ladies all over England were very pleased to meet me.

The End.

There…what did you think of that?

(Terrible.)

Well…I don’t have these death-defying adventures for your benefit.I risk my life for the good of mankind,not glorified secretaries like you.

(Anyway,Marmaduke Flange told me that you were thrown out of the Great Exhibition after Florence Nightingale caught you humping her leg.You weren’t even there when the action started.)

Oh Florence Nightingale....how do I love thee?

Flange you bast-

(Or when the League Of Extraordinary Gentlecats saved the day.)

Extraordinary Gentlecats my aching arse!!

Umm…ha ha I mean… Flange had had a nasty knock on the head from one of The Baron’s henchmen.

(I don’t remember that bit from the story.)

It will be in my new book,”My Totally Amazing Adventures Volume 67 by Sir Blogforth Dogsworthy”,priced at £10.99 from all good booksellers.

(I can’t wait.)

Good…now get up the chimney,you wombat…it’s filthy.

Until next time,Thrill-Junkies….

Farewell!!!