
"Is that Elvis....?!?"
Hello again,mystery fans!
It is I,Le Chien de Blog,with another blast of bizarro badinage!
Many seekers of truth travel to my Fortress,seeking my knowledge and wisdom on a myriad of subjects….long haired hippie students all.Some I invite in for a cup of tea and a chocolate hob-nob and to tutor in the ways of The Blog Dog…some I immediately feed to the piranhas.
They all ask the same things…what is the meaning of life…what happens after you die…will Arsenal win the Cup this season…?
I tell all of them the same thing…whatever metaphysical bollocks I can think of at the time.Works like a dream.
But I digress.

I'm not in this photograph...I was behind the wall chatting up Florence Nightingale...
This week’s tale concerns my old friend Marmaduke Flange and that spot of trouble we had in the 19th century.It is quite gobsmackingly exciting,so anyone of a nervous disposition should ask someone to read it for them and tone down the drama.
Any road up,there I was at the Great Exhibition at Crystal Palace in 1851,perusing the collection of Etruscan Snoods,when a right kerfuffle broke out over by the stuffed wombats.As you’d expect,I was muchly miffed at having my contemplation interrupted,and so marched over to the Ground Zero of the disturbance to give the ruckus-meister a piece of my mind,which believe me, is considerable.
Upon reaching the scene,I was shocked to discover my old chum Marmaduke Flange,an officer and a gentleman, (I don’t know who the other two were),positioned upon the ground in a state of some small agitation.
“My dear Flange,” I ejaculated,”what on Earth is appertaining?”
The boy Flange fixed me with his gaze.”Bloggers…is it…really you?” he gasped,grabbing my paw in panic.
I produced my hip flask and bade him partake of a sip.
(Where did you pull that from?)
*Sigh*…I took it from my waistcoat pocket,obviously.Now…kindly do one….anyway…
“Yes it’s me,Flange…now tell me,old chap,what is the cause of this argy-bargy?”
“Bloggers…it’s him…The Baron…he’s got the Machine!” Flange passed out,and my blood ran cold.
“Baron Mutatis Mutandis!”
My old nemesis!
This was grave news indeed…but I kept a stiff upper.Some of the lady folk assembled around Flange’s prone form took to fainting…I of course…*ahem*…assisted them by loosening their clothing so they could breath easier.
(I’m sure their husbands liked that.)
They were on their own,you muppet.
(In the 19th century? I think not.)
Well…umm…ah! Their husbands were distracted by what happened next! Which was really amazing and awesome and like something from a film.Happy now?
(Yes…for now….but if the next bit ISN’T really amazing and awesome and like something from a film…)
It will be.Now bugger off.

Scene of my finest hour.
Just then,as the ladies recovered their composure,if not their complete dignity,there was an explosion from above.Glass showered down upon the throng as The Baron’s Airship loomed into view and trained its Laser Discombobulator on the masses.One particularly astute gentleman pointed skywards and exclaimed-
“Look at that…it’s really amazing and awesome and like something from a film…even though films haven’t been invented yet,but I’m pretty sure that’s what they will look like when they have been!”
(How have you got away with this twaddle for so long?)
Charm,dear boy…simple charm.Now-
I spied the Baron at the controls…and he spied me.He smiled evilly.Putting a megaphone to his lips,he addressed the crowd in his dread tones…
“People of London…prepare to be twatted.”
Ha! He hadn’t changed…he was still a silver-tongued charmer.
I pulled my folding telescope from my Gladstone bag and gave the Airship and the Baron a good looking over.He had taken to twiddling some knobs on a scary looking metal contrivance…and Flange’s words came back to bite me on the bum.
The Solar-Proangular-Vetrosa-Meter!
There was no time to lose…he had to be stopped or all of London would be completely shafted!
I ran towards the stuffed mammoth display and scuttled up his trunk.Upon reaching the top of the prehistoric pachyderm,I opened my bag and produced my jet-pack.Slipping it on,I let rip,soaring up towards whatever fate was in store for me,with no thought for my own safety.
The Baron saw me thrusting towards him and opened fire with his Discombobulator…a shot caught my jet-pack.It zoomed off in one direction,and I zoomed off in another.Luckily,I managed to grab a convenient guy rope with my teeth,and,gripping it with my front paws,swung through the window of the gondola-
(What’s this “gondola” business?)
That’s the bit underneath an airship where people and super-villains sit.Now shush,it’s time for the big showdown.
-I swung through the window in a shower of glass and wood and bits of Airship…it looked epic.I hoped someone on the ground,preferably one of the young ladies,was watching.Maybe someone had a camcorder.
The Baron evilly stood there,looking evil.
“Well if it isn’t The Blog Dog…..still chasing your own arse,are you?” he cackled.
I stayed cool,ignoring him.I eyed the Solar-Proangular-Vetrosa-Meter warily.The Baron noticed my noticings.
“Yes you are correct,you smelly little rabbit-chaser.In exactly five minutes time I will activate the Machine and the whole of London will be totally wankered.”
“How vulgar…it’s a Tuesday…no-one does anything of any importance on a Tuesday.”
“Choose your next witticism carefully,Mr. Dog,it may be your last.” said The Baron.”Anyway,there won’t be any more Tuesdays after they get a dose of this baby!” he spat,stroking his instrument of doom.Then,he whipped out a revolver and pointed it at me,right between my eyes.
I held fast.
It was the end…but I faced it with dignity.
“You’ve interfered in my plans for the last time,Dog.Now…prepare to meet your maker.”
Baron Mutatis Mutandis smiled.
Then he pulled the trigger.
I was dead.
Or at least I would have been if my jet-pack had not, at that exact moment crashed through the front window on its bonkers trajectory and nutted the Baron a good one from behind.
(You’re just taking the piss now,aren’t you?)
The shot went wild,up through the balloon itself,causing the whole Airship to list dangerously to the left.
The Baron was out cold.I had saved the day again,but had no means of escape from certain doom.The Airship was going down,and my jet-pack was on its way to the Isle of Dogs.
The odds were against me,and the situation was grim.
(Come on,doggy…let’s see you write your way out of this one.)
There was only one thing for it…I would have to use the parachute.
(Words fail me….they really do.)
I leaped from the buggered Airship,pulling the ripcord,and landing heroically in the midst of the grateful ladyfolk of London.The Airship itself crashed a second or so later in an orgasm of fire and exploding bits and stuff.I saw the Solar-Proangular-Vetrosa-Meter blow up…probably for the best,although it did make excellent bacon butties.
Sadly,it did destroy 5 houses,3 Hansom cabs and a few of those urchin types you always see in the Victorian era were slightly singed.
I grimly assumed the Baron was also toast.
But London was saved,and I was once again a hero.I lunched with Her Majesty The Queen,and reluctantly accepted a Knighthood.I was now Sir Blog Of Dog,and young ladies all over England were very pleased to meet me.
The End.
There…what did you think of that?
(Terrible.)
Well…I don’t have these death-defying adventures for your benefit.I risk my life for the good of mankind,not glorified secretaries like you.
(Anyway,Marmaduke Flange told me that you were thrown out of the Great Exhibition after Florence Nightingale caught you humping her leg.You weren’t even there when the action started.)

Oh Florence Nightingale....how do I love thee?
Flange you bast-
(Or when the League Of Extraordinary Gentlecats saved the day.)
Extraordinary Gentlecats my aching arse!!
Umm…ha ha I mean… Flange had had a nasty knock on the head from one of The Baron’s henchmen.
(I don’t remember that bit from the story.)
It will be in my new book,”My Totally Amazing Adventures Volume 67 by Sir Blogforth Dogsworthy”,priced at £10.99 from all good booksellers.
(I can’t wait.)
Good…now get up the chimney,you wombat…it’s filthy.
Until next time,Thrill-Junkies….
Farewell!!!