Posts Tagged ‘lottery’

As part of Hate Is Great season,here we go again with another acid-filled blog all about things which “grind my gears.”

1.We’ll start with an easy one…..if you say “could of” and “would of” instead of “could have” or “would have”….I know where you live,and I’m sending the boys round as we speak.

2.Dan Brown-just because.

3.Post Offices-they sell everything now…credit cards,home/holiday/car/life insurance,telephony/mortgages…all of which they attempt to flog you when all you want is a stamp.No wonder the queues are always spewing out the door.My local P.O. pretty much always has every counter open,to be fair,but they still can’t cope with the backlog of grannies wanting a 2nd class stamp.Less talk,more speed please.

4.Kirstie Allsopp-chunky host of Location etc etc…every week she tells of the sad plight of posh couples who want to buy a 20-bedroom mansion in the country with a budget of only 50 million quid….bless ’em.Awful woman….she’s completely out of touch with reality.In fact she reminds me of a manager I once had,she liked the sound of her own voice….looked like her too.AND Kirstie gets dressed in the dark and is obviously no stranger to jumble sales….I would,though.

5.Books-I’ve got a game for you to play when you’re in WHSmiths next.Pick any new book currently on sale.Now try and buy it at the price printed on the inner flap.You won’t be able to…because this is a complete fantasy to make you think you’re getting a bargain.If anyone reading this can find a new book at the price listed on the cover I will buy it off them,refund their petrol if necessary,and take them out for a slap-up meal at the Harvester of their choice.It’s the norm these days for shops to heavily discount books,to compete with the interweb etc.-why should shop A sell it at 18.99 if shop B and the rest of the alphabet has it at a discount–fair enough,but then whats the point of printing the full price if it can’t actually be bought at that price.

6.People who check their lotto numbers in the shop-Next time you hand over your grubby ticket to the pale Saturday girl and ask her to check if you’re a winner,consider this-do you really expect her to say “Oh congratulations sir,you’ve got all 6 balls and you’re a gazillionaire.Well done,here’s your ticket back.” Or would it be more likely that she’d say “Sorry,you’ve got nothing.” and stuff the winning ticket into her grubby overalls.You’ve only got the machine operator’s word for it.If this is the slapdash way in which you onduct your business,then you deserve to be robbed.This has probably happened more times than you’d think. How do I know this….well,if I was operating a lotto machine and a winning ticket came my way,I’d take it and say nothing…and so would YOU.

7.People who don’t vote and complain about the outcome-In the last European Parliament elections,the BNP gained a couple of seats.Cue much gnashing of teeth from the entire population,many of whom probably didn’t vote or were among the thousands of people who spoiled their voting papers in every constituency.This will probably happen again this May when the General Election rears it’s ugly head….make your vote count,don’t waste it then complain your party didn’t get in.

8.Cheryl Cole-oh,like I need to explain.

9.Anti-smoking loonies-This is the warning next to the booking details for Robert Pattinson’s new film,Remember Me-“Contains infrequent strong language, moderate sex and violence, and smoking.”

Smoking.

Because apparently,smoking has become the number one bogeyman…by all means,let our children see all kinds of murder & blood & guts & shagging on televison,but make sure they don’t see anyone having a sneaky Woodbine because they might take up smoking themselves,even though they already smoke 20 a day.

What’s next ?

 This film contains a man called Brian?

Contains sex,violence and people with bad teeth?

 This film is not suitable for people who don’t like budgies?

We all know where this comes from,which leads me neatly on to the last hate-

EPIC FAIL

10.America-I don’t know where to begin….the utter crapness of this country deserves an entire series of blogs all of  its own.One of God’s biggest mistakes.

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Lucky? Balls!

Posted: September 7, 2009 in Life, Stuff & nonsense, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

hhhjhjhjThat lottery thing.

What’s it all about,eh?

The “idiot’s tax” as some people call it,I do it every week (ha ha) and I have never won anything that could honestly be called “life-changing.”

I sometimes win the lowest amount,about £6.00, on the Euro-lottery,but never anything on the main Lotto draw.I do the Euro one because of the obscenely huge jackpots…..£50 million+ notes would sit very comfortably in my bank account.

I often ask God,in my prayers by the side of the bed last thing at night,to give me a chance to show that wealth wouldn’t spoil me.

He hasn’t got back to me on that one yet.

Winning a squillion quid would certainly win you a lot of friends,and introduce you to relatives you never knew you had.Have you written your list of which ones to give money to?

I have….although,if I’m honest,I don’t think I’d tell anyone,that’s why I don’t understand why jackpot winners go public.Telling the world you’ve got millions doesn’t sound very safe.I’ve read stories about people being killed for their money…often by members of their own family,especially in the USA where the jackpots are usually hundreds of millions.

Some have said that winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to them….think about that for a minute.We dream of all the things we would be able to buy and do if we won but are totally unprepared when we do.

That’s why I’d keep it dark.I would ask for no publicity,just bank it and stay mum.If I won something daft like £50 million I’d tell my family that it was just,say,£5 million…that way I could give my family a slice and don’t have to worry about people getting to excited about such a massive amount.I would put the rest in the bank and let it sit there,write a will leaving everything to my son,so he can have a nice surprise when I peg off.

But sometimes the Euro lotto reaches £100+….what would you do with that kind of money? How many cars and houses does one person need?  The interest alone would be £100,000 +….a month.

You could give half to Battersea Dogs Home and still live it up.

I wouldn’t want a yacht moored in Monte Carlo and houses all over the world…you can only live in them one at a time.

I would be happy to still live in the town where I’m living now,even though it’s a dump…I would buy a nice house and stay out of everyone’s way,mind my own business…..I wouldn’t flaunt my wealth.

Oh,and of course I would have a supermodel wife who suddenly finds me irresistibly attractive…funny that.

Actually…no,I wouldn’t have a supermodel wife,although it would be fun to do a Bernie Ecclestone and grow fat,grey and toothless and have a 20 yr old wife,who’s with me for my “personality.”

But rest assured,I would still be Twittering and blogging….and you wouldn’t know any different. 🙂

Farewell,and may your balls always be lucky!!