Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

The Blog Kitten—MISSING!!

‘Tis I-The Blog Dog!

I speak to you today,Constant Reader,in a state of some agitation,and not a little preturbation.

(Is that a word?)

This very morn,upon waking from a shit-hot dream involving Bettany Hughes,Eva Mendes and a tub of swarfega,I rolled over in my 5-poster bed to greet the dawn and my beloved,Deidre, with a snuggle and a kiss,and to possibly try a few things I’d worked out in my dream.

(Eww)

Imagine,then,my horror as I beheld my beloved,who was conspicuous by her absence.

Gone.

Now this was not really that unusual,as it is part of our pre-nuptial agreement that Deidre should be up before I wake in order to get the tea on,so I was not unduly alarmed.I slipped on my yeti-skin dressing gown and griffin-hide slippers and sauntered into the kitchenette,to be greeted with a sight of abject,screaming horror,the like of which I had never before encountered,and no married man should have to endure….

…the teapot wasn’t even on the hob.

Searching around for Deidre in order to remonstrate with her and to extract a reason as to why my morning cup of  Earl Grey was,as yet,merely theoretical,I came swiftly to the conclusion that she was,as my Latin teacher used to say,non adest.

To whit,buggered off.

Not a soul in sight.

This was,as the Ameriyanks say,an “issue.”

Not only would I have to make my own tea AND breakfast,I’d have to most likely feed the piranhas AND go and whip the students in the dungeon.

This was not on.

The Blog Dog,as you know,has no time for the trivial matters of existence….for the Blog Dog is a roisterer,a rodgerer,a puker and a gorger-a shafter of time and space.

The Blog Dog cannot save the universe twice over whilst making his own cornflakes.Simple as that.

I trotted,stressed,onto the platform of my secret London Underground lair,cunningly disguised as Mornington Crescent,to see if maybe Deidre was polishing the third rail or something;it was possible that she had got her chore shcedule arse-backwards.

I was about to enter that state of mind known as the “hissy fit” when I spotted it…although how such an abomination came to be in my residence,I knew not,nor dared to wonder.

Plastered to the far wall was a poster of…..David Tennant.

You will know,Constant Reader,that normally I would not even debase myself to cleanse my lower extremities with such a tawdry piece of stationery,so how it came to be here was a mystery,wrapped up in an enigma,then sodomised by a “what the fuck?”

The third-rate actor who got lucky was gurning horrifically from the poster,but this was not the worst thing assaulting my retinas at this moment…there was more.

Someone had added a speech bubble which emanated from the vicintiy of his gruesome visage…these very words of horror chilled me to the bone:

HOOTS MON,YE WEE DOGGY BASTARD!!!

YE WEE WIFEY AND I ARE VERY MUCH IN LOVE,AND WE HAVE ELOPED TO GRETNA GREEN WHERE WE GAN GET MARRIED!

(Rubbish Scottish accent)

I know…bless him he hasn’t worked in ages,it’s probably affected his mind.Anyway back to the action…

DEIDRE SAYS YE CAN CLEAN YOUR OWN THIRD RAIL,YE WEE SASSENACH BUM-SNIFFER !!

P.S I’M THE BEST DOCTOR WHO EVER!!!!

P.P.S SO THERE !!!

P.P.P.S TOM BAKER IS RUBBISH!!!

The horror…the horror.

Dumped for Doctor Who…and not even one of the good ones.

Mother-appreciator.

So this is how you now find The Blog Dog,my Constant Reader…Deidre-less,tea-less and very possibly custard-cream-less.And even worse than that…I’ve got a fucking David Tennant poster on my wall.

What will my guests think ??

I suppose I’ll have to take it down myself ,too.

(Aw bless)

I’ve still got you,dear Rizla, my faithful retainer…my wife has left me for a has-been,my reputation is in tatters….and I haven’t had a cuppa for hours,put the kettle on would you-

-OI! Come back you sod !!!

Shit.

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This is Nisan.

He lives in Japan.

The pillowcase is his girlfriend.

Awww.

(Presumably the pillowcase is washable…)

He is part of a growing subculture in Japan known as 2-D Lovers,an offshoot of otaku culture,the obsessive fandom surrounding anime,manga and videogames in the Land of the Rising Sun.Nisan takes Nemutan,the name of the character on the pillowcase,everywhere.They are inseparable,going to the karaoke on the weekends and on long road trips.

Bless.

It may seem strange to us,but I bet she never complains about him wanting to watch the sumo wrestling.

happy_face

Plenty of this...

What a difference 4 months makes…

Since starting this ‘ere blog,I have have often found myself indulging myself in two activities regarding it-

1.Laughing at my own jokes

2.Looking back at early posts and seeing what’s changed.

Well….quite a lot has changed.

Try this from Born Crappy-

***”From the moment I was born,when the doctor slapped my mother,I was up shit creek.

I had nothing going for me from day one.

Let me explain.

First,my name…Emyr Wyn Lewis,which is a Welsh name…I’m Welsh by the way.

Yeah,I know,I can’t pronounce it either,not even Welsh people can.This is one of the reasons that I’m still single…I die of embarrassment when I have to tell anyone my name,especially women.

And let’s face it,girls,would you rather go out with an Emyr or a James?

Next,my height.

I don’t have one.

I fall into that category known as “short of arse”.This means that most women won’t even look at me unless they’re hobbits.

Onto my looks.Well,women who are usually overweight and haven’t seen any action for a decade always say I’m “lovely” and “sweet” and “handsome”.I’m never told these things by a woman who’s still got her own teeth.

That’s because such females aren’t even looking at me.

Think a bargain basement Daniel O’Donnell…..mixed with a bit of Jimmy Hill.

With a sprinkling of Mr Blobby.

So that’s what I’m working with,and yet I still get people telling me I’m, fantastic and great and a good catch and all that shit…can’t they just be honest?

I learnt a long time ago that you can’t polish a turd.”***

That was back in July….what a moaning old bastard I was then.

I’m quite embarrassed by it,actually.

I’ve changed,honestly… 😉

From Love & Marriage…?-

**Anyway,as many people will tell you,there is apparently “someone for everyone.” I have had the chance to get married several times,but to be honest the thought of spending my entire life with the same person fills me with dread.***

Well as I’m sure many people are sick of hearing by now,I have found someone I would happily spend the rest of my life with…and that DOES NOT fill me with dread.

From All About Me-

BE6E7552-0DAA-3F6F-238F300A0B6D1615**I GO THROUGH 3 PACKETS OF CUSTARD CREAMS A WEEK-only because I am trying to cut down….my favourite brand is Tesco’s own in the yellow wrapper….the best custard cream you can buy..I should know I’ve tried them all,I’m a biscuit expert…***

Believe it or not,I’m truly trying to cut down on my CC intake….I’m moving on to Chocolate hobnobs,much healthier 😉

FromNot Going Out…Party Fears Two

***I prefer the rain.It covers everything.

It means I can wear a raincoat with the hood pulled right over my head…that way no-one will see me and recognise me.

I hardly ever go out unless I really need to,other than for work purposes.I work early in the morning and so have the afternoons off,but once I’m back in the house I stay there.

I fear I may be becoming anti-social….

…but I truly HATE the outside world.***

OMG…Now I can’t wait to get out into the world….I just wish I could go everywhere at once,holding hands with my beautiful little girlfriend.

I want to go out into the world and shout out to everyone who will listen…look at my gorgeous girl,she’s the mutt’s nuts and I’m SO proud of her.

Then I’ll probably be arrested…but at least I’ll be happy 🙂

From What’s In A Name?

***I think until I can decide on a new name,or the whole world turns Welsh,whichever comes soonest,I shall be known as Wyn to all those non-Taffies out there….well,the ones who actually want to know what my name is…***

Well,The GF is a non-Taffy,and she has no problem pronouncing my name….go figure.

She can pronounce my name,is small,cute,brainy,pretty and cuddly…could she BE any more perfect….? 😉

Talk about a bolt from the blue….perhaps the universe had had enough of my moaning and arranged for Cupid to do a bit of overtime.

Whatever….I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it….I want to shout it from the rooftops,and,judging by my early blogs,I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing.

But now I do do this kind of thing….I’m actually confident for the first time in my life….I no longer want to hide my head when I’m outside….

I’ve got a bit of a swagger in my step. 🙂

But some things have not changed-

1.Still hate Tesco

2.Still can’t drive,but am working on it

3.Still like Cup-A-Soups,but not as much as I used to…

4.Still live next door to an alcoholic granny

Thank you to all my readers for your continued visits to my blog…I know I’ve been slacking of late (well,I’ve had my mind on someone 😉 but I’ll try and make up for that from now on.

Until next time—-goodbyeeee!!!

...not so much of this.

...not so much of this.

Getting married?

Want the music to be provided by someone better than your Aunty after 15 Drambuie & Cokes?

Well here’s the price-list!

1. The Rolling Stones – up to £5 million (they’d have to be on tour at the time of your bash,though)

2. Sir Elton John – up to £2 million (he donates it to charity)

– Kylie Minogue – up to £2 million (bargain)

4. Christina Aguilera – up to £1.5 million (hmmm..possibly)

5. George Michael – £1.3 million (very reasonable)

6. Amy Winehouse – £1 million (you must be joking…she’d polish off all the booze)

– Sir Paul McCartney – £1 million ( I wonder if he’d throw in Ringo as well)

– Leona Lewis – £1 million (you is having a laugh)

– Jennifer Lopez – £1 million (does anyone know any of her songs?)

10. Barry Manilow – £750,000 (is he still alive?)

11. Rod Stewart – £600,000 (he’d put on a good show)

12. Duran Duran – £500,000 (BARGAIN!….I’d be prepared to get married just to have them at my wedding!!)

Although,for the record,if I ever get married,I would want Status Quo to perform…I reckon they’d do it for 100 quid and a crate of Brown Ale…so if there are any single young females out there who are also Quo fans,you know what to do 😉

THE QUO-'nuff said.

THE QUO-'nuff said.

 

 

Communication problems.

Posted: July 22, 2009 in Life
Tags: , , ,
You would if you could,guys (and girls!)

Sign here,please....(You would if you could,guys (and girls!)

I have a small confession to make.

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise to many of you.

It is simply this….

I have no idea how to talk to women.

Not a single living clue.

Not a scooby.

Quite frankly,women may as well ACTUALLY be from Venus,and in fact most of the women I’ve met have shared that planet’s characteristics-distant,gassy and poisonous to life.

Only joking.

I probably haven’t met the right girl yet.(IRONY)

Sadly,due to the combination of having a stupid name and all the other drawbacks I documented in a previous post (“Born crappy”—have a look,it’s a good ‘un!),I tend to avoid the company of women.

But,actually,no.Not all women are difficult to talk to,because as all men will attest,there is a certain breed of woman that is spectacularly easy to talk to…

That’s right….the…ummm…beauty-challenged ones.

They’re great to talk to.

But for some reason when I’m faced with a vision of female wonderment I suddenly forget how to switch on that thing that makes the words come out.

I know what the problem is….I feel I have to impress them,and that ultimately I’m not good enough for them.

I often wonder,if I had the name/looks/job/slightly less expansive waistline that modern women covet,would I suddenly develop the ability to charm them into my boudoir?

Probably not….I am missing the confidence gene,I think….or I was at the end of the queue when they were handing it out.Maybe it’s because,truth be told,I am quite boring,and my topics of conversation tend to be limited to-

1.Science fiction

2.Doctor Who

3.Science fiction on TV,especially Doctor Who

I very rarely have meaningful chats with attractive women.Perhaps I should broaden my interests to include X-Factor (SARCASM)….nah,not likely.

So,for the forseeable future I shall be on my ownsome.It has its drawbacks (no sex) but also advantages (cheaper council tax) and after all this time alone I don’t know anything else.

And I can watch my Doctor Who DVDs at 3 in the morning in my pants.

Next time–“…so I picked it and it fell off.”

Love & marriage…?

Posted: July 22, 2009 in Life
Tags: , ,
funny-wedding-photos-14

OI!

A British man and his Spanish sweetheart have finally married after 16 years apart, brought together by a love letter thought lost.

Steven Smith and Carmen Ruiz-Perez, both 42 years of age, first met 17 years ago when she was a foreign exchange student in Southwest England.  The relationship ended when she moved to France a year later for work.  In an effort to rekindle the romance, Steven sent a letter to her mother’s home in Spain a few years later, where it was placed on a mantelpiece.  It slipped behind the fireplace and was hidden for years, before being discovered by workers dismantling it for renovation work.

“When I got the letter I didn’t phone Steve right away because I was so nervous,” Ruiz-Perez told the Herald Express local newspaper.

“I nearly didn’t phone him at all. I kept picking up the phone then putting it down again.

“But I knew I had to make the call.”

When they were reunited, it was as if time had stood still, said Smith, a factory supervisor.

“When we met again it was like a film. We ran across the airport into each other’s arms. We met up and fell in love all over again. Within 30 seconds of setting eyes on each other we were kissing.

“I’m just glad the letter did eventually end up where it was supposed to be,” he said, after the couple married last Friday.

14acuon

AWWW!

Ah,love and marriage.What’s it all about ,eh?

When I was a young ‘un,one of my aunts,when she visited us, used to ask my late brother why he wasn’t married yet.She never asked me,but naively I thought it was because of my young age,and that as I grew older I too would come under the same scrutiny.

Alas,no.

Eventually it became evident that the reason she always asked my brother this was because he looked like someone who would get married,and indeed would have many women knocking at his door to offer the services.

The reason she never asked me is due to the fact that I would NEVER have the chance to get married…I think she’s still reeling from the fact that I’ve got a son (so am I,but that’s another story.)

Come to think of it,everyone is.

EWWW!

EWWW!

Anyway,as many people will tell you,there is apparently “someone for everyone.” I have had the chance to get married several times,but to be honest the thought of spending my entire life with the same person fills me with dread.

Two people I used to work with got married,and I was alone in my opinion that they only did it because they would never get anyone else,a case of “I’d do”. (this made me very unpopular,but i never liked them anyway.)

I believe,perhaps mistakenly,that I reserve the right to pick and choose.My neighbour (the octogenarian alcoholic),used to frequent my workplace,and often questioned me about a particular colleague of mine and why I hadn’t married her.In her words she “couldn’t understand” why i hadn’t proposed.I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the young lady in question was about as physically appealing to me as a syphilitic rat,both in looks and personality.

But you see,in my neighbour’s day,you got married to the first man/woman who came along and stayed married until the end of your days.This is especially true in Wales.However,I aspire to greater things.Call me whatever you like,but I cannot see the point of marrying someone whom you don’t love or even find attractive just for the sake of it-I’d rather be single.

Next time—–Owl-Stretching Time

EERGH!

MINE!!!!!

OOH!

OOH!