Posts Tagged ‘Michael Caine’

These are just some of the films that were on telly all the time when I was a nipper–I haven’t seen them since…’s like they’ve disappeared off the face of the Earth…

1.Zoltan,Hound of Dracula

Vampire dog eats unsuspecting American campers…what’s not to like?


Starring James Stewart,this is the one about the bloke with the imaginary friend in the shape of a 6-foot rabbit,funnily enough called Harvey.I saw it once during the 70s,and that was my lot.Honestly….when was the last time you ever saw or heard this film even being mentioned?? (It’s a terrible film,anyway…but well,it’s the principle of the thing…..)

3.Harold & Maude

Bud Cort plays Harold,a teenager obsessed with death who drives a hearse and regularly fakes his own death by staging increasingly elaborate suicide attempts..He meets Maude,played by Ruth Gordon,and an unlikely love affair unfolds.This film was on television pretty much weekly when I was young.It’s an emo’s wet dream,as goth as can be…..time for a remake,think of all the pale young teenagers it could inspire.

4.The Tenant (Le Locataire)

Another cinematic one-night-stand,directed by and starring Roman Polanski (not exactly Mr.Popularity right now,but he has made some of my favourite films),it tells the tale of a chap who moves into an apartment recently vacated by a woman who committed suicide by jumping from the apartment window.Gradually he comes to realise that everyone around him is trying to drive him to take his own life in exactly the same way.A great film for the paranoid.


Back when Channel 4 was a proper channel that showed programmes and films that people actually wanted to watch,this Wim Wenders film was on telly every month without fail.Starring Nastassja Kinski (who was a source of much comfort to me in my lonely teenage years) in a fluffy pink jumper,and Harry Dean Stanton as her father who is looking for her,Paris,Texas is another film that has been lost down the TV company sofa.(Also worth a mention is the twangy Ry Cooder soundtrack….you know the one I mean even if you’ve never seen the film)


The original with Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine this film is rarer than rocking horse doings…although throughout the 80s it was the only film the BBC had.


Starring a young Jenny Agutter,the actress single-handedly responsible for the boom in VCR sales during the 80s (but that’s another story),it tells the tale of a schoolgirl and her young brother lost in the Australian outback.Our Jenny “loosens her clothing” (well it’s hot in Oz) quite a lot…this film definitely DOES NOT feature any steam trains.You might think that there is a perfectly logical reason for all this wanton “nuddiness” …when you’re a teenage boy,you don’t need a reason.The BBC clearly needed no justification for showing this every Friday night on BBC 2.

8.The Anniversary

Official legend Bette Davis plays the eye-patch wearing,manipulative matriarch to three sons who come to her house for an annniversary party.One of the sons likes to wear women’s undies,another takes his missus to bed only to discover his mum’s glass eye waiting for them on the pillow.Our Bette is the ultimate bitch….she has to be seen to be believed.

9.The Incredible Melting Man

The title says it all,really.There’s this man……….and he melts.It’s excellent.

10.The Appointment

There are quite a few films with this title…the one I’m thinking of stars the late,great Edward Woodward.Unable to attend his doting daughter’s violin recital due to a business appointment,Ed experiences malevolent forces whilst driving to the meeting,brought into being by his psychic daughter.As you might expect,it ends badly.The boy Woodward never had much luck in films…



His Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, Jr

…and then what will we do? 

It is a truly unthinkable prospect… Michael Caine is nothing short of a National Treasure,one of the greatest screen actors of his generation…able to star in The Swarm and still show his face in public.

Like time itself,Michael Caine is a Universal Constant….when he goes,everything goes.

The human race,clinging to the blasted remnants of the planet Earth,will be left to scavenge among the ruins of British cinema,struggling to find scant solace in the “talents” of Danny Dyer…

Get Carter will be remade with John Barrowman in the lead role….

The Caine rules….simple as that….there is not a single actor working today who is his equal.

Here’s just a few reasons why…

  • On Jaws-The Revenge- “I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” You see,young Michael has often made a film purely for the financial rewards,rather than the artistic ones….but full credit to him for actually admitting it.In his own words…”If one has a very high standard of living,one sometimes has to do a very low standard of movie.” But even his crap ones are way better than most of today’s Hollywood films….
  • Classic lines-
  • The Ipcress File-“I am going to cook you….the best meal…you have ever tasted.” Then he does.
  • Get Carter-Caine tells the future Alf Roberts from Corrie-“You’re a big man,but you’re in bad shape.For me it’s a full-time job-now behave yourself.” Later,he chucks Alf off a multi-storey car-park.
  • Alfie-“My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.”
  •  The Swarm-“Look out,the killer bees are coming,and there’s nothing we can do about it!”
  • Jaws-The Revenge-“Look out,the rubbish-looking rubber shark is coming,and there’s nothing we can do about it!”
  • Blame It On Rio-“Look out,this film is shit,and there’s nothing I can do about it!”
  • Glasses-The cinema’s most famous four-eyes.In The Ipcress File,Caine plays British spy Harry Palmer…gets the girl,sorts out the villain and looks uber-cool-all while wearing NHS specs.And a brown raincoat,proving you didn’t have to look like James Bond to BE James Bond…speaking of which…
  • Get Carter-In one scene,Caine is “enjoying” the company of his landlady when some heavies storm into his bedroom and get a bit lairy.Retrieving a shotgun from under the bed,he forces them out of the house into the street at gunpoint…he is also buck-nekkid.But is his chest pumped up beyond all human decency? Does he look like he’s been in the gym for 6 months straight? No…he looks like a normal bloke…but make no mistake,he is one hard mutha,and will take you to a world of pain.
  • Mrs.Shakira Caine-Michael Caine saw his future wife on a TV advert for coffee,decided immediately that he was going to marry her,found out where she was staying in London,went there,met her and married her.He came,he saw…he chuffing conquered.Respect is due.
  • Gongs-One of only two actors to have been nominated for an Oscar for acting in every decade since the 60s (Jack Nicholson is the other)…he has won 2.
  • Chelsea fan-’nuff said 😉

All hail The Caine….if he didn’t exist we would have to invent him…

We shall never see his like again.