Posts Tagged ‘libraries’

Me totally rocking the tuxedo look....

Me totally rocking the tuxedo look....

The name’s Dog….Blog Dog.

Double OH-WOOF.

Licensed to-

(Lick your own privates?)

-kill,actually.

Now,as you might expect,a lot of famous people ask for my help,from Presidents to pop stars,from Ronald Reagan to Shakin’ Stevens….now there’s a young man with talent.

My tales of derring-do are well known…far be it for me to seek personal gain from constantly banging on about my adventures.Fame,fortune,totty…I crave not these things.

(That’s good because you never get any of those things.)

You’re just jealous.

Anyway,as I was saying,most of my escapades are the stuff of legend…but less well known are my little “jobs” for Her Majesty,The Queen (God Bless Her.)

The Queen (God Bless Her) has always been a keen fan of my adventures,and so it came as no surprise to me to be summoned into the presence of the old girl one crisp,autumn day,to help with a “little problem.”

I hopped in the Aston Martin BD-5 and zoomed towards Buck House,where I was ushered into the presence of HM The Queen (God Bless Her)

“It’s like this,Blog Dog.” said Lizzie as she rested the Royal Posterior on one of the servants.I did likewise.

“One has been and gone and had one’s copy of the Dreaded Necronomnomicon stolen from one’s Top Secret Library Of Very Scary Books,and one would rather like to have it back.”

The Necronomnomnomicon!!! The most dangerous-

“It’s just two “noms” actually,BD.” quipped Lizzie.

The Necronomnomicon!!! The most dangerous book ever written!!! Believed to have been inscribed in the living blood of a million virgins by the “Madder -Than- A -Blender- Full- Of- Elephants” Arab,Abdul Al-Jolson,a billion years ago on the planet Myopia!!! It contains dreadful invocations and unmentionable spells which deranged disciples of the Great Old Ones can use to summon up all kinds of spooky,blobby shit!!!

“Yes,that’s the one.We don’t want just any old deranged disciple of the Great Old Ones using it to summon up all kinds of spooky,blobby shit….”

I started to suspect that the Queen (GBH) had very great mental powers…pretty impressive for an old bird of 80-odd.

“I’ll give you “old bird” you bottom-chaser!” snapped The Madge,and smacked me a good ‘un round the ear with her Royal Smacking Stick.Gathering her composure, she fixed me with the Royal Stare.

“One,Lizzie The Queen (God Bless Me),hereby commands you to find the Necronomnomicon and right royally twat them what ‘alf-inched it.One suggests that one transports one’s doggy posterior down to the Top Secret Library to look for clues…..you will also meet your assistant,specially chosen by one.”

I took offense at this…Queen or no Queen (GBH),I always work alone.I can do more damage that way.

“With respect,Your Majesty,I don’t need an assistant,they always get in the way and need rescuing and all that while I’m trying to save the entire world and look cool in the process,so no thank you.”

“But it’s their first mission after graduating from the Secret Agent Academy….”

“Too inexperienced.”

“The agent may be only 19 years old,but….”

“Too young.”

“Ah well,she’ll be very disappointed.”

“I’ll give her a weeks’s trial.”

****INTERMISSION—Choc ices and albatrosses are available in the foyer****

She was waiting for me as I walked confidently into the Top Secret Library,bending over a computer and looking brainy,wearing a skirt that could double as a scarf.

I liked her immediately.The rest of her was pretty good too.

She turned to face me

“Ah,you must be…?”

“Dog…Blog Dog.And you are….?”

“Snockers…..Norma Snockers.Agent Double Oh-Phwoar.”

“But of course you are.” She did indeed resemble the proverbial “dead-heat in a Zeppelin race.”

“Let’s get to work.”  Ooh,all business…I like that in a woman.

Norma slinked off towards the bookshelves,gesturing me to follow.The movement of her lower portions was somewhat hypnotic.

She led me towards a suspiciously book-shaped hole in the Spooky Shit section.

“This is where the Necronomnomicon was kept.”

The Necronomnomicon!!!!

“Stop that.”

“Sorry.”

“And that had most definitely better be your paw on my leg.”

“Sorry again.”

“We believe the thief got in by using a laser to cut a hole in the 10 foot thick steel roof,abseiled down past the mini-gun emplacements,distracted the rabid Rottweilers with some sort of Rottweiler-distracting device,wrestled the alligator into unconsciousness,then casually came in here and stole the Necronomnomicon-”

The Necronomnomicon!!!!

“I thought I told you to stop that.Anyway,that was the easy part…actually being able to touch the book in the first place would have required a magical education far outside the abilities of normal men.”

I was beginning to have some very nasty suspicions.

“Do you have any suspects?”

“I have one clue,a single hair found in the mouth of the alligator,it must have taken a bite out of the culprit before it sparked out.” Agent Snockers produced a little bag out of her pocket,and squatted down close to show it to me.I could smell her perfume….Tweed,by Lentheric.

Classy bitch.

I trained my well-trained eye on the object in question…it didn’t look like human hair,or dog hair,which admittedly didn’t narrow it down much.

I asked Norma to come closer so I could have a good old sniff of it,and,after smacking me around the ear a few times,realised I meant the hair,and opened the bag.

My blood ran cold.

(It does that a lot,doesn’t it?)

Well,you see,I deal in horror on a daily basis…it’s how I roll.

“By the Gods!” I exclaimed.

“Have you seen this hair before?” asked Norma.

“Yes…it is a cat hair!”

“Not a cat hair!!!! ” gasped Norma.

“Yes…a cat hair!” I replied.

“Not a cat hair!!!! ” gasped Norma.

“That’s very annoying.”

“Sorry.

“This is the work of only one cat,and one cat only…the Crown Prince of Feline Felony,that despoiler of virgins,avoider of taxes,pincher of bottoms…”

(Sounds like you.)

Be quiet.

“You don’t mean—?”

Norma clutched me tightly….things were looking up.

“Yes I do mean—–Count Mephistopheles Von Tiddles!!!”

My arch-enemy!!!

Norma fainted.Things were indeed looking up.

Next episode-Dr? NO WAY!

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The Accidental Librarian

Posted: August 28, 2009 in Life
Tags: , ,

trinity-college-library-dubToday,I accidentally found myself in my local library.

This came as a bit of a shock to me as I try to avoid it if at all possible.It’s not that I don’t like libraries,I love them…a big building full of books is almost orgasmically wonderful.It’s just that my local is a bit rubbis…it always seems to have the same books on the racks.They never have anything new in…I couldn’t see a single Harry Potter,but there were a few well-worn tomes on how to maintain a 1970s Ford Capri and a guide to decimalisation.

I kid you not…there are books I remember from 20 years ago.

Most intriguing of all was a section entitled “Print Bras.”

Now before you get excited at the prospect of borrowing ladies foundation garments with stories written on them,it’s actually Welsh for “large print.” My mother is single-handedly keeping the large-print business going,she’s read them all.All the crime ones.That’s all she reads…she’s an expert on them.

Maybe westerns are more your thing? You would be well-served by my local,there is a spin-rack devoted to well-thumbed paperbacks with lurid titles like “Gutshot At Gobblers’ Gulch” …. writing them is somebody’s job,you know.Similarly Mills & Boon,which have also played a part in keeping libraries open.It is  mind-boggling to wonder how many times they have been read.How many times have the words “he crushed her hot,panting body in his manly arms” been read by sex-starved grannies?

I’ve never really liked reading books from the library…you never really know where they’ve been.

Imagine borrowing The Joy Of Sex,rushing home to “study” the best bits,only to find the pages stuck together.

Not good.

Today,I was in the company of the aforementioned Mother Unit,who always gets half a dozen large print whoppers so needs me to carry them home.I left her in the “gory murders” section and went to peruse the Sci-fi section…they had a Torchwood book…things were looking up.I am not a member of the library anymore,but this was still exciting.

Now I was some feet away from my mother,but this fact seemed to elude the old girl,because she was still talking to me..I could still hear her,but that’s not the point…she looked like a loony.I live in Carmarthen….believe me,I know my loonies.I gently put her straight.To some people,holding a conversation over a 12ft gap may be normal,but I don’t like all and sundry knowing my business…I’m like that.I continued my perusement…only to be distracted by an old gentleman…who was talking to himself….or quite possibly talking to the books.

He seemed happy though.

The library has had a makeover since I was there last.Flat-screen telly,computers with interwebs access (they’ve had this for awhile,actually) and DVDs by the ton.I remember borrowing cassettes and LPs back in the day…all gone now.Gone also is the reading area where oldies would read the papers….rather sad that.But it was time it joined the modern world,although I didn’t ask about the potential existence of wi-fi access…I didn’t want to confuse the staff.

Despite all this,today’s visit was something of a revelation.I am seriously considering joining up again.I spotted a few nuggets among the ancient manuscripts that may be worth a crafty borrow…

Because,you know,joining a library…it’s sooo rock’n’roll…..but that’s my life….on the edge.