2010 in review (it was shit)

This isn’t very interesting but it does have a photo of Tennant (not my idea) for the ladies,(but obviously not for Doctor Who fans because he has nothing to do with it) and lots of stats and stuff to show you how many wonderful peeploids worried my blog last year.

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

The average container ship can carry about 4,500 containers. This blog was viewed about 19,000 times in 2010. If each view were a shipping container, your blog would have filled about 4 fully loaded ships.

In 2010, there were 28 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 110 posts. There were 53 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 4mb. That’s about 1 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was February 17th with 559 views. The most popular post that day was Has Anyone Seen Our David…?.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were community.livejournal.com, twitter.com, blogsurfer.us, facebook.com, and spam-filtering-service.net-us.info.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for cheryl cole, underground map, london underground, lady gaga, and captain pugwash.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Has Anyone Seen Our David…? February 2010
2 comments

2

GaGa Ooh La La! December 2009
2 comments

3

Sci-Fi’s Unsung Heroes #53,627 – Ensign Ro Laren August 2009
2 comments

4

Star Wars Episode VII-A New Blog September 2009
2 comments

5

The One About Not Drinking August 2009
1 comment

MERRY BLOGMAS FROM THE BLOG DOG !

MERRY MICKELMAS…or something…

Guten Afternoon-en,Reality Surfers and Splitters of the Infinitive!!

‘Tis I,ब्लॉग कुत्ता !!!

And in the words of Sir Noddy Holder…IT’S BLOGMAS !!!!!!!

A time to remember the important things in life,such as getting rammed out of your cabbage on Asti Spumante at the office party and waking up the next morning with Dawn,the fat girl who fills the photocopier.A time to think of those less fortunate than yourself,the poor souls who,believe it or not,aren’t intergalactic pug-dogs of mystery with a vast fortune amassed in a life of adventure,intrigue and leg-humping.For even though I am a fabulously wealthy adventurer in time and space and elsewhere,it doesn’t mean that I don’t think of those less fortunate than myself.

*By the way,the people from the gas board called..they’ll be round to switch off your supply on Tuesday,….*

Ha ha…umm…yes thank you for reminding me…I’m switching over to electric heating.I’ve heard wonderful things about Economy 7-

*…and I’ve taken the magnet off the electricity meter…the bloke from n-power said,and I quote “Low usage is one thing but we were just taking the pi-*

SShhh…ha ha yes you do that,I don’t know how it got there…bloody kids.Bring back National Service,that’s what I say….Anyway,shouldn’t you be packing ?
*I’ve nearly finished*

Yes indeed,Constant Reader…you read right…I am vacating my current Fortress of Blogitude and relocating to a swanky drum in the Docklands…West India Quay to be exact.Tube stations are so last year.And Mornington Crescent is rather too big for me and Rizla now that my former love,Miss Deidre Macbeth,has run off with that Tennant person.Where is he now,eh?
Eh ?
Answers to this,and other,questions shall be forthcoming during the next twelvemonth,for The Dog of Blog will be back in business very soon,banging one off the wrist,as it were,with more gusset-ripping installments of The Necronomnomicon and more tuber-troubling terrors with everyone’s favourite psycho-bitch,Marjorie Misnomer.
Christmas is a time for family..but seeing as I have no family,I’ve decided that Blogmas is a time for me,so if you’ll excuse me,I must away to my new pad to install the shark tank and gruff a box or ten of jelly fruits while watching Her Majesty (God Bless Her) on the tellybox,for was it not John The Baptist who said-

*Umm you may want to stop it there,actually…*

For why,pray,for why ?

*Well there appear to be two very large gentlemen with hurty-sticks  attempting to squeeze themselves through the barrier you put up to keep the council tax bloke out-*

SHIT!

*I think I already have*

Oh Buddha it’s the Theydon Bois !!!

*Big lads,aren’t they?*

Wapping!

*Oh Arsenal*

Down the secret tunnel!! Time to blog off,Dear Reader…until we meet again in futures uncertain,Happy Blogmas !!

Oh my days,it’s the 100th blog!!!

‘Tis I,The Blog Dog…the dog’s dog,the Hocus bloke,the lad himself,the cosmic dick,the mutt’s nuts,here to celebrate my blog reaching the ton! Deidre and I would like to thank all of my fear-fans for their faultless following of my adventures over the past 99 blogs.The little woman and I are currently on holiday in a flashback in Devon,so the blog has been left in the hairy palms of my slave, Rizla…but fear not!! I am,at this very moment,while Deidre puts the dinner on,banging out another existential episode of the orgasmically exciting Marjorie Misnomer series.I do enjoy banging one out of an afternoon..anyway…I’ve also commissioned that fine piece of brainy crackling,Bettany Hughes,to write my life story which will be appearing in the pages of this very blog in the not too distant future,if she can pull her finger out.AND as if that wasn’t enough to make you wet yourself unselfconsciously,I’m also working on the next cranium-cracking chapter of The Necronomnomicon…get in!!!

The future is here,the future is me…a peristaltic smack in the mush,a bunch of fives,madder than a cartload of arseholes,the pan-dimensional scream of terror,the piece of blue cheese you found under the cooker,the standing-in-the-middle-of-Tesco-with an-itchy-arse feeling of helplessness…I am the Hound of the Baskervilles,humping your leg…quite simply,The Blog Dog!

Doctor Who-The Eleventh Hour-The Definitive Review

Well…I told you,didn’t I ?

Confession…..I wrote that yesterday,convinced in my mind as I was that the new Doctor Who would be shit.

Well it was…..but not that much.

True,the new title sequence,theme tune,redesign of the TARDIS console room,the new Doctor’s costume,the continuity announcer at the end of the episode who sounded like he was being paid per palpitation,(OK that one doesn’t count) and the continuation of the annoying trend of the female companion having a dopey (although in this case,entertaining) boyfriend—all these factors were appalling.Woeful.Awful.Dumpage.

But these are things that cannot be changed,so there’s not much anyone can do about them…so we don’t need to dwell on them….and as a lifelong Doctor Who fan (I haz the skillz) I am prepared to look beyond a naff title sequence and theme tune arrangment (by turning the sound down) if the stories are up to scratch.I’ve done it before.

First episodes are a curious beast…for every Spearhead From Space there’s a Time And The Rani.(Google them if you don’t know) The Eleventh Hour (Ooh…eleventh Doctor,lasted an hour…see what they did there?),was Matt Smith’s debut gig,and,as the saying goes,very much a game of two halves.

Despite initial misgivings as the Doctor clinged desperately to the TARDIS as it plummeted towards the next plot device,the newboy started to show some glimmers of promise,while obviously haunted by David Tennant.Matt Smith,like the episode itself, was at his best during the first half hour when he wasn’t quite himself,in typical post-regeneration fashion.So good was he,in fact,that I actually said out loud (to myself-don’t judge) “He’s quite good”…and,yes,those words tasted like vinegar 🙂

 As the episode progressed,we were introduced to new companion-in-waiting,Amelia “Amy” Pond who,in quite gobsmackingly perverse fashion,managed to be nowhere near as awful as I had been dreading.Cue more vinegary words….but hey,I can admit to being wrong,I’m all grown-up and mature,like.I’m not the kind of person who slags something off before it’s even started,what do you take me for 😛 ??? (IRONY) I’m entitled to change my mind on a whim…I’m in touch with my feminine side.

I don’t do spoilers (well sometimes),so I won’t go into too much detail,suffice it to say that there’s a slightly naff monster,a bit of running around,a little bit of padding,and what appears to be a bit of a smack in the face for Tennant fans during one of those flashbacks that used to make the fans drool back in the day.That’s assuming there’s any women still watching,of course,what with young Matt’s less-than-perfect boatrace,but then if that’s why you’re watching,then,basically,you shouldn’t be watching.

But enough Tennant-bashing–he’s history,yesterday’s Time Lord. We’ve got a new bloke for the next 12 episodes,which,judging by the trailer,will feature several returning monsters,including the Daleks,Rubbish Cybermen and The Weeping Angels….and this is where Matt Smith will win or fail,by the strength of his stories-he’s pretty much on probation for his first season.Tennant had to gurn his way through some real stinkers,but had neither the presence nor the ability of previous Doctor Who actors to transcend the scripts’ shortcomings.Matt’s showing a glimmer….just a glimmer,mind…of something interesting…whether it develops into anything,we shall have to wait and see.

Time,as it always does,will tell.

P.S I shall be making good on my promise to eat my own spleen in public soon…stay tuned for ticket prices 😛

TTFN!!

HappyHaters Unite!!!

As Yoda once said….

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

….but Yoda was 2 feet tall,looked like a scrotum and never won any of his lightsabre duels.

HATE IS GREAT.

I am often accused of having very high standards and of thinking that the world desperately wants to hear my opinion on whatever subject is currently passing through my chakra.Granted,the main subject does tend to be Doctor Who,a television programme very close to my heart,a topic on which I have several definitive theories,the product of painstaking original research over a timespan of 30 years.This qualifies me to say that Tom Baker (hallowed be His name) is the best Doctor Who ever….saying David Tennant is just because you fancy him when you haven’t seen the programme in it’s entirety is,frankly,sad.

But I digress.

I LOVE TO HATE.

I AM A HATER.

AND I AM PROUD TO BE A HATER….EVERYTHING THAT YOU HOLD DEAR,I HATE.

And there is an awful lot to hate these days….Cheryl Cole,”Prof.” Brian Cox,those Morrison ads with Richard Hammond,Hollyoaks,Skins,The Gadget Show,Steve Ryder,Ben Fogle,James Corden,Jimmy Carr,the fact that Eva Mendes isn’t in my bedroom RIGHT NOW,burnt toast,bus stations,Kate Humble,John Barrowman,Gavin & Stacey,Matt Smith,David Tennant (although his career is at an end so thankfully we won’t see much of him from now on),did I mention Cheryl Cole ?,people who don’t like Lady Gaga…..I could go on…

Shall I ?

OK then….

……endless tv shows called things like “100 most amusing things pulled out of someone’s arse”,anything starring Cheryl Cole,Cheryl Cole,any kind of dancing/skating/shagging/twatting-about “celebrity” reality thing,Americans,Matt Baker,”Sir” Steve Redgrave,the former somebody but now unemployed nobody,the fact that 6Music is being axed when John Barrowman continues to contaminate my screen,Russell T. Davies and what he’s done to Doctor Who,my complete failure to win the lottery,the BBC stealing my licence fee to make another series of Snog,Marry Avoid?,people who say “could of” instead of “could have”,Stephen Fry.Jonathan Ross,Most Haunted,Russell Brand,that fat twat on the GoCompare ad,you know the opera singer (dodgy claim to fame-I was in school with him….I don’t hate HIM,per se…it’s just couldn’t he have picked a less annoying advert?),having to go to the toilet in the middle of a film at the cinema,Tom Cruise’s teeth,Rhod Gilbert (dodgy claim to fame #2-his mother taught French at my secondary school-she was funnier),and finally,Cheryl Cole….oh and David Tennant.

Name anything…..I guarantee you that that I hate it.

But I’m happy in my house of hate….and I shall be firmly ensconced therein this coming weekend when the new “Doctor Who” starts with missing link Matt Smith…

Just to forewarn you….I shall be hating BIGTIME,because there is no physical way that the new series can be anything but utter shit….

…BUT…

…if,by some weird,unholy,unnatural,wrong conjunction of the stars I actually like it (and I will give it a chance for one episode,I’m kind like that),then I will eat my own SPLEEN,in public,date and venue to be announced.

 I shall be also live-tweeting during the episode,so you’d better unfollow me sharpish if you get offended by the words “dump”,”fucking lame shit”,”childish dumbed down bollocks” and “bring Tom Baker back pdq”.

TTFN!

Doctor Who-The End Of Time–Definitive Review

“By your final episode,shall thee be judged.”

So said God when he set out the rules of Doctor Who,on the 8th day.

And so shall David Tennant be judged,as he took his leave,in somewhat embarrassing fashion,on New Year’s Day in Part 2 of The End Of Time.

If the final part of Tom Baker’s last story,Logopolis,represents the zenith,then this is the nadir.

I simply cannot find a single good thing to say about these two episodes,apart from the fact that we finally got rid of Tennant,even if it took a bit of a struggle (of which,more anon.)

Part 1 can be easily dismissed as just a rather boring setup for the cliffhanger at the end with the return of the Time Lords,with the President played hilariously by Timothy Dalton,the pride of Colwyn Bay,and former James Bond.

Oh,and The Master comes back,but it’s the rubbish one played by John Simm,and he can fly….no,I don’t know why either.He’s turned everyone on Earth in to replicas of himself…yes,it is as naff and pointless as it sounds. (Don’t worry,everyone gets better)

On to the second episode.

Oh dear.

Clocking in at around 1hr 20,the episode was bursting at the seams with the most shameless padding and superfluous scenes ever seen in the series’ history.

A scene with Tennant moping around being emotional on a spaceship lasts for about 30 minutes….then there’s a sequence of sfx to justify the licence fee,and THEN the torture is ended by-

THE WORST MOMENT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PROGRAMME.

Believe me I speak from experience. 

It’s the bit where the Doctor jumps out of a spaceship…just falls,really.Through the air,through the roof and lands on the floor.

Just plummets.

Totally pointless….

Cue more padding.

The Time Lords pop up again,and lucky for the population of the planet,they’ve brought along Russell T Davies’ favourite plot-device,the Off-Switch,and they rather kindly turn everyone back to normal.

How convenient.

Then they go away again,after posing a threat for exactly one minute….there was absolutely no reason for them to be in the story,other than just for the sake of having a new enemy in the show.

The Doctor has saved the day again.Hoorah…..but oh no,he has to sacrifice himself to save Bernard Cribbins,which will surely trigger the much anticipated regeneration.

Except…OMG…look at the clock…there’s half a bloody hour to go…how the **** can they pad out the regeneration for that long?

Stay tuned….they CAN.

And they DID.

For a full 30 minutes Tennant revisits all his companions in a shameless advert for Torchwood/Sarah Jane Adventures….even when he gets to the TARDIS to get down to business,he takes his own sweet time,as if the producers wanted us to really be upset that Tennant is going.

His last words won’t do him any favours either,when the roll is called up yonder….

“I don’t want to go.”

Heroic….NOT.

Compare Tom Baker’s last words-

“It’s the end,but the moment has been prepared for.”

I presume Tennant’s words were chosen to represent the feelings of the fans (for fans read “women”) who don’t want Tennant to go.

Tom’s last words signify not only the end of the 4th Doctor’s reign but also the end of the greatest era of Doctor Who as a programme.

Finally the moment all true fans have been waiting for,the only reason we tuned in…even my mother watched it to see the new boy.

Suddenly,Matt Smith,the 11th Doctor,was born,screaming,before us.

What can we deduce from such a brief appearance?

A lot.

1. It looks like he’s going to act in what he thinks is a “Doctor Who-ey” kind of way-this is bad…the best Doctors played themselves.
2. He is an…”interesting” looking chap-hopefully his performance will be interesting too,and he won’t be hampered by being some sort of sex symbol.He can concentrate on being Doctor Who instead.
3. At one point he gobs at the console…honest,he spits…go and have a look.

He’s going to be bloody terrible,just like Tennant…

But we shall see.

“By your final episode,shall thee be judged.”

The End Of Time -this one story sums up the Tennant era perfectly-

Overblown

Too long

Unnecessary special effects

Ineffectual enemies

The Off-Switch 

Over-acting

Padding

Not exactly the show’s finest hour.

Come the spring,we shall see if it’s all going to start again,or if the proper fans will finally get the series we deserve.

Dr.Who-Love—Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love David Tennant

Just look at this-

Yes it is,isn't it....

And this-

Doctor Who?????

The only good thing I can take from this debacle is that it looks like Tennant gets a right old pasting before regenerating,judging by the remains of his outfit as modelled by the eleventh Doctor….”Matt Smith.”

“Who?”

Exactly.

Now…..as you no doubt know,I am a lifelong Doctor Who fan….and my knowledge and opinions on the subject are not to be questioned…. 😉

In other words,I can say with authority that the new logo is absolute dump,and the new actor doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence either.Obviously he’s got some rather large boots to fill…just as Peter Davison followed the best Doctor ever,Sir Tom Baker (This is a FACT by the way…but feel free to post your disagreements/comments below so I can delete them all in one go 😉 ),poor old Matt has to follow the boy Tennant…so right from the off he’s going to be unfairly compared to him.

He hasn’t got a hope.

He’ll have to be twice as good as Tennant just to be considered as good as Tennant.

Look at it this way- David Tennant represents £100 in a bank account,and Matt Smith has to match that…unfortunately he’s £100 overdrawn.

(Where do I get this crap from?)

Anyway…

We could be witnessing the beginning of the end of Doctor Who….again.

And so,even though I swore I would never say this…come back,David….all is forgiven….

…but no overacting this time,matey.

P.S. that logo is really really bad….