MERRY BLOGMAS FROM THE BLOG DOG !

MERRY MICKELMAS…or something…

Guten Afternoon-en,Reality Surfers and Splitters of the Infinitive!!

‘Tis I,ब्लॉग कुत्ता !!!

And in the words of Sir Noddy Holder…IT’S BLOGMAS !!!!!!!

A time to remember the important things in life,such as getting rammed out of your cabbage on Asti Spumante at the office party and waking up the next morning with Dawn,the fat girl who fills the photocopier.A time to think of those less fortunate than yourself,the poor souls who,believe it or not,aren’t intergalactic pug-dogs of mystery with a vast fortune amassed in a life of adventure,intrigue and leg-humping.For even though I am a fabulously wealthy adventurer in time and space and elsewhere,it doesn’t mean that I don’t think of those less fortunate than myself.

*By the way,the people from the gas board called..they’ll be round to switch off your supply on Tuesday,….*

Ha ha…umm…yes thank you for reminding me…I’m switching over to electric heating.I’ve heard wonderful things about Economy 7-

*…and I’ve taken the magnet off the electricity meter…the bloke from n-power said,and I quote “Low usage is one thing but we were just taking the pi-*

SShhh…ha ha yes you do that,I don’t know how it got there…bloody kids.Bring back National Service,that’s what I say….Anyway,shouldn’t you be packing ?
*I’ve nearly finished*

Yes indeed,Constant Reader…you read right…I am vacating my current Fortress of Blogitude and relocating to a swanky drum in the Docklands…West India Quay to be exact.Tube stations are so last year.And Mornington Crescent is rather too big for me and Rizla now that my former love,Miss Deidre Macbeth,has run off with that Tennant person.Where is he now,eh?
Eh ?
Answers to this,and other,questions shall be forthcoming during the next twelvemonth,for The Dog of Blog will be back in business very soon,banging one off the wrist,as it were,with more gusset-ripping installments of The Necronomnomicon and more tuber-troubling terrors with everyone’s favourite psycho-bitch,Marjorie Misnomer.
Christmas is a time for family..but seeing as I have no family,I’ve decided that Blogmas is a time for me,so if you’ll excuse me,I must away to my new pad to install the shark tank and gruff a box or ten of jelly fruits while watching Her Majesty (God Bless Her) on the tellybox,for was it not John The Baptist who said-

*Umm you may want to stop it there,actually…*

For why,pray,for why ?

*Well there appear to be two very large gentlemen with hurty-sticks  attempting to squeeze themselves through the barrier you put up to keep the council tax bloke out-*

SHIT!

*I think I already have*

Oh Buddha it’s the Theydon Bois !!!

*Big lads,aren’t they?*

Wapping!

*Oh Arsenal*

Down the secret tunnel!! Time to blog off,Dear Reader…until we meet again in futures uncertain,Happy Blogmas !!

Doctor Who-The Eleventh Hour-The Definitive Review

Well…I told you,didn’t I ?

Confession…..I wrote that yesterday,convinced in my mind as I was that the new Doctor Who would be shit.

Well it was…..but not that much.

True,the new title sequence,theme tune,redesign of the TARDIS console room,the new Doctor’s costume,the continuity announcer at the end of the episode who sounded like he was being paid per palpitation,(OK that one doesn’t count) and the continuation of the annoying trend of the female companion having a dopey (although in this case,entertaining) boyfriend—all these factors were appalling.Woeful.Awful.Dumpage.

But these are things that cannot be changed,so there’s not much anyone can do about them…so we don’t need to dwell on them….and as a lifelong Doctor Who fan (I haz the skillz) I am prepared to look beyond a naff title sequence and theme tune arrangment (by turning the sound down) if the stories are up to scratch.I’ve done it before.

First episodes are a curious beast…for every Spearhead From Space there’s a Time And The Rani.(Google them if you don’t know) The Eleventh Hour (Ooh…eleventh Doctor,lasted an hour…see what they did there?),was Matt Smith’s debut gig,and,as the saying goes,very much a game of two halves.

Despite initial misgivings as the Doctor clinged desperately to the TARDIS as it plummeted towards the next plot device,the newboy started to show some glimmers of promise,while obviously haunted by David Tennant.Matt Smith,like the episode itself, was at his best during the first half hour when he wasn’t quite himself,in typical post-regeneration fashion.So good was he,in fact,that I actually said out loud (to myself-don’t judge) “He’s quite good”…and,yes,those words tasted like vinegar 🙂

 As the episode progressed,we were introduced to new companion-in-waiting,Amelia “Amy” Pond who,in quite gobsmackingly perverse fashion,managed to be nowhere near as awful as I had been dreading.Cue more vinegary words….but hey,I can admit to being wrong,I’m all grown-up and mature,like.I’m not the kind of person who slags something off before it’s even started,what do you take me for 😛 ??? (IRONY) I’m entitled to change my mind on a whim…I’m in touch with my feminine side.

I don’t do spoilers (well sometimes),so I won’t go into too much detail,suffice it to say that there’s a slightly naff monster,a bit of running around,a little bit of padding,and what appears to be a bit of a smack in the face for Tennant fans during one of those flashbacks that used to make the fans drool back in the day.That’s assuming there’s any women still watching,of course,what with young Matt’s less-than-perfect boatrace,but then if that’s why you’re watching,then,basically,you shouldn’t be watching.

But enough Tennant-bashing–he’s history,yesterday’s Time Lord. We’ve got a new bloke for the next 12 episodes,which,judging by the trailer,will feature several returning monsters,including the Daleks,Rubbish Cybermen and The Weeping Angels….and this is where Matt Smith will win or fail,by the strength of his stories-he’s pretty much on probation for his first season.Tennant had to gurn his way through some real stinkers,but had neither the presence nor the ability of previous Doctor Who actors to transcend the scripts’ shortcomings.Matt’s showing a glimmer….just a glimmer,mind…of something interesting…whether it develops into anything,we shall have to wait and see.

Time,as it always does,will tell.

P.S I shall be making good on my promise to eat my own spleen in public soon…stay tuned for ticket prices 😛

TTFN!!

There is no such thing as bad publicity…

…I love it.

Check this out-

Viagra...now available for blogs...

After my heartfelt plea for information on the whereabouts of the previously famous David Tennant,currently residing in the Where-Are-They-Now-File,I was inundated with information from the caring public.

The appeal became the subject of two very interesting forums…sadly their information did not lead to the location of Mr.Tennant.
But it made me laugh.
Also,I got supermassive traffic to my blog…which is all that matters.
Because…

I LOVE PISSING PEOPLE OFF.

FECKING LOVE IT.

SEEING THE EFFORT THESE “PEOPLE” WENT TO SLAGGING ME OFF MAKES ME THROB IN VERY INTERESTING PLACES.

In return for them linking to my blog from their “website”,I have included links to their sites over there on the right….under the non-judgemental heading My Lovely Haters-(like Father Ted’s My Lovely Horse,but not as funny) so you,Constant Reader, can see for yourself the high level of abuse and hate which I completely adore on a daily basis.

Haters….you gotta love ’em-because they don’t love themselves.

And now,for the benefit of the Forum Fails, a photo of the best Doctor Who ever—try and learn something.

GOD

Has Anyone Seen Our David…?

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.

DAVID TENNANT HAS NOT BEEN SEEN ON BRITISH TELEVISION FOR 20 MINUTES AND THERE IS CONCERN AS TO HIS WHEREABOUTS.

DAVID WAS LAST SEEN ON BBC 1,2,3,4,5,6 & 7,DAVE,LIVING,WATCH AND THAT ONE THAT USED TO BE U.K.GOLD,SKY 1,2,3 & 4 AND ABOUT 127 OTHER TELEVISION CHANNELS.

DAVID IS BEST KNOWN FOR BEING A THIRD-RATE ACTOR WHO GOT LUCKY IN DOCTOR WHO,AND IS CONSIDERED BY MANY STUPID PEOPLE AS THE BEST DOCTOR EVER.

ANYONE WITH ANY INFORMATION AS TO DAVID TENNANT’S WHEREABOUTS ARE ADVISED NOT TO TELL ANYBODY.

THANK YOU.

Doctor Who-The End Of Time–Definitive Review

“By your final episode,shall thee be judged.”

So said God when he set out the rules of Doctor Who,on the 8th day.

And so shall David Tennant be judged,as he took his leave,in somewhat embarrassing fashion,on New Year’s Day in Part 2 of The End Of Time.

If the final part of Tom Baker’s last story,Logopolis,represents the zenith,then this is the nadir.

I simply cannot find a single good thing to say about these two episodes,apart from the fact that we finally got rid of Tennant,even if it took a bit of a struggle (of which,more anon.)

Part 1 can be easily dismissed as just a rather boring setup for the cliffhanger at the end with the return of the Time Lords,with the President played hilariously by Timothy Dalton,the pride of Colwyn Bay,and former James Bond.

Oh,and The Master comes back,but it’s the rubbish one played by John Simm,and he can fly….no,I don’t know why either.He’s turned everyone on Earth in to replicas of himself…yes,it is as naff and pointless as it sounds. (Don’t worry,everyone gets better)

On to the second episode.

Oh dear.

Clocking in at around 1hr 20,the episode was bursting at the seams with the most shameless padding and superfluous scenes ever seen in the series’ history.

A scene with Tennant moping around being emotional on a spaceship lasts for about 30 minutes….then there’s a sequence of sfx to justify the licence fee,and THEN the torture is ended by-

THE WORST MOMENT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE PROGRAMME.

Believe me I speak from experience. 

It’s the bit where the Doctor jumps out of a spaceship…just falls,really.Through the air,through the roof and lands on the floor.

Just plummets.

Totally pointless….

Cue more padding.

The Time Lords pop up again,and lucky for the population of the planet,they’ve brought along Russell T Davies’ favourite plot-device,the Off-Switch,and they rather kindly turn everyone back to normal.

How convenient.

Then they go away again,after posing a threat for exactly one minute….there was absolutely no reason for them to be in the story,other than just for the sake of having a new enemy in the show.

The Doctor has saved the day again.Hoorah…..but oh no,he has to sacrifice himself to save Bernard Cribbins,which will surely trigger the much anticipated regeneration.

Except…OMG…look at the clock…there’s half a bloody hour to go…how the **** can they pad out the regeneration for that long?

Stay tuned….they CAN.

And they DID.

For a full 30 minutes Tennant revisits all his companions in a shameless advert for Torchwood/Sarah Jane Adventures….even when he gets to the TARDIS to get down to business,he takes his own sweet time,as if the producers wanted us to really be upset that Tennant is going.

His last words won’t do him any favours either,when the roll is called up yonder….

“I don’t want to go.”

Heroic….NOT.

Compare Tom Baker’s last words-

“It’s the end,but the moment has been prepared for.”

I presume Tennant’s words were chosen to represent the feelings of the fans (for fans read “women”) who don’t want Tennant to go.

Tom’s last words signify not only the end of the 4th Doctor’s reign but also the end of the greatest era of Doctor Who as a programme.

Finally the moment all true fans have been waiting for,the only reason we tuned in…even my mother watched it to see the new boy.

Suddenly,Matt Smith,the 11th Doctor,was born,screaming,before us.

What can we deduce from such a brief appearance?

A lot.

1. It looks like he’s going to act in what he thinks is a “Doctor Who-ey” kind of way-this is bad…the best Doctors played themselves.
2. He is an…”interesting” looking chap-hopefully his performance will be interesting too,and he won’t be hampered by being some sort of sex symbol.He can concentrate on being Doctor Who instead.
3. At one point he gobs at the console…honest,he spits…go and have a look.

He’s going to be bloody terrible,just like Tennant…

But we shall see.

“By your final episode,shall thee be judged.”

The End Of Time -this one story sums up the Tennant era perfectly-

Overblown

Too long

Unnecessary special effects

Ineffectual enemies

The Off-Switch 

Over-acting

Padding

Not exactly the show’s finest hour.

Come the spring,we shall see if it’s all going to start again,or if the proper fans will finally get the series we deserve.

Attention Women Of Britain!!

THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON BEHALF OF THE REAL FANS OF DOCTOR WHO

David Tennant has left the programme

Normal service has been resumed

There is no need for any women to keep watching

Any females wishing to continue viewing Doctor Who must first complete and pass a written examination to ascertain their knowledge of the programme 

This will ensure only proper fans of Doctor Who are watching

All the other women who only watched Doctor Who to lust after Tennant can bugger off and watch Hollyoaks

Thank you

 

Why I Hate Tennant,Part 2-Slight Return

I couldn't find a photo of Tom Baker...so here's a pic of his son

Yes….I know what you’re thinking….

“Didn’t he blog that he had forgiven Tennant for his sins in the light of the new boy looking totally awful?”

Well I did…but I hadn’t seen the latest “Special” when I wrote that.

Shown last Sunday,The Waters Of Mars (or The Impossible Planet,or 42,or any episode from the last few seasons,it doesn’t matter which one you choose because they all have the same plot) was co-written by Russell T. Davies…and you could tell–55 minutes of overacting/running around aimlessly/rubbish jokes/gurning and a quite interesting 5 minutes at the end.

But by then it’s too bloody late,Russell….and isn’t it about time you collected your P45?

And why didn’t she shoot Tennant in the back….that’s what I would have done…but enough of my fantasies…

And why,once again,were the monsters utterly rubbish?  Fecking embarrassing….though it was nice to see Trina from Eastenders alive and well…so to speak…

And why is The Master in the bloody Christmas episode…..and still played by John Simm?

And why is it going to be 2 bloody hours long?

And why is Tennant outstaying his welcome?

And why does he even exist?

What people don’t seem to understand is that I don’t hate David Tennant,the person….I am a lifelong Who fan,and speak from that perspective.Therefore,I refuse to sit idly by while MY programme is totally ruined.One of Tennant’s biggest faults is that he’s playing a part….the best Doctors played themselves-Hartnell,Pertwee,Tom Baker (Tom IS really like that).Doctor Who is not a role you should “act”…you either “are” The Doctor or you’re not. You have to BE The Doctor.

Tennant doesn’t even use his real accent-’nuff said.

Ah,I hear you scream,the show now has many more fans than it did in the old days…

I’ll admit it has more fans,yes….but not the right kind.

Quite frankly—–these “fans” don’t deserve to be “fans”.

YOU DON’T DESERVE DOCTOR WHO.

Where were you when it was axed?

Did you queue up at HMV at midnight to buy the video of the Doctor Who TV movie starring Paul McGann as the totally excellent Eighth Doctor?

Did you queue for 3 hours to get Peter Davison’s autograph at Longleat in 1983 at the 20 years of Doctor Who Celebration (the Woodstock of Who)?

Do you have a complete collection of The New Adventures?

So you think you’re a Doctor Who fan because you’ve got a DVD boxset…..

Tell me then…who are Faction Paradox? What is Compassion? What’s the date of the Dalek Invasion of Earth? What’s the Zero Room? In which story is the sonic screwdriver introduced? What’s the Eye Of Harmony?

Have you heard of these companions—Bernice Summerfield,Anji Kapoor,Chris Cwej,Charlotte Pollard,Erimem,Fey Truscott-Sade?

Did you know that First Doctor companion,Dodo,leaves the TARDIS after contracting a sexually transmitted alien disease,or that one of the bodies that the Second Doctor is offered as his new incarnation at his trial is the face of the dictator in the parallel universe in the story Inferno? Or that in Alien Bodies,several races of aliens turn up at an auction to bid on the Doctor’s corpse?

Have you read these books-Transit,Love And War,Nightshade,The Infinity Doctors,Casualties Of War,Interference?

To paraphrase Michael Caine in Get Carter-

“You’re a Doctor Who fan,but you’re knowledge is in bad shape—for me,it’s a full-time job—now behave yourselves.”

I would like to write a Doctor Who episode. (a childhood dream,actually)

It will not be a “scary” story…because if people think that Blink is “scary” then they have no idea what true horror is,and my efforts will be wasted.

No,I shall not scare the little kids (the only ones,along with the true fans,who will still be watching now that the ladies’ favourite has left—just wait for the ratings drop).

Instead,I shall mess with their heads.

I’ll have the so-called “fans” doubting their very sanity…I’ll show them what Doctor Who means—I’ll shove it right down their bloody throats.

I know stuff about Doctor Who that would make your teeth curl,but because the show has been dumbed down and turned into Hollyoaks,the production team don’t want to take any risks,so we won’t get any truly original and creative stories ever again.

Expect more “surprise” appearances by Billie Piper and the Daleks and Russell’s Carnival of Crap Monsters.That’s why they keep bringing the Daleks and the Master and the Shit Cybermen back-because the new monsters are rubbish.

It’s all about the merchandise….all about the BBC making money.

Hmm….got a little ranty there.

I’ve decided I won’t be doing any more Tennant-bashing….I’ll just stick a pin in my Tenth Doctor action figure from time to time.

I shall leave you to your Xmas “special” with it’s half-formed ideas,lame running gags,overacting,gurning and a third-rate actor jumping around like a twat .

TTFN 🙂

P.S Bring on Matt Smith!!!

Dr.Who-Love—Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love David Tennant

Just look at this-

Yes it is,isn't it....

And this-

Doctor Who?????

The only good thing I can take from this debacle is that it looks like Tennant gets a right old pasting before regenerating,judging by the remains of his outfit as modelled by the eleventh Doctor….”Matt Smith.”

“Who?”

Exactly.

Now…..as you no doubt know,I am a lifelong Doctor Who fan….and my knowledge and opinions on the subject are not to be questioned…. 😉

In other words,I can say with authority that the new logo is absolute dump,and the new actor doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence either.Obviously he’s got some rather large boots to fill…just as Peter Davison followed the best Doctor ever,Sir Tom Baker (This is a FACT by the way…but feel free to post your disagreements/comments below so I can delete them all in one go 😉 ),poor old Matt has to follow the boy Tennant…so right from the off he’s going to be unfairly compared to him.

He hasn’t got a hope.

He’ll have to be twice as good as Tennant just to be considered as good as Tennant.

Look at it this way- David Tennant represents £100 in a bank account,and Matt Smith has to match that…unfortunately he’s £100 overdrawn.

(Where do I get this crap from?)

Anyway…

We could be witnessing the beginning of the end of Doctor Who….again.

And so,even though I swore I would never say this…come back,David….all is forgiven….

…but no overacting this time,matey.

P.S. that logo is really really bad….

Why I Hate Tennant

WHY???

The title of this bloggette says it all-I chuffing HATE David Tennant.

I have never watched one of his episodes more than once….once is enough.Some I haven’t seen at all…and I’m supposed to be a Doctor Who fan.

But what I mean by this is—I don’t like him as Doctor Who.

I don’t hate him as a person…he may be a thoroughly nice bloke,or he may be a secret axe-murderer…I don’t know,and I don’t care.

But he most definitely IS a rubbish Doctor…and just like my boss,The Blog Dog,I will not be questioned…my knowledge of Doctor Who is total and absolute.

The thing is,I know what I’m talking about.

Some of his episodes are almost childishly bad,but maybe it’s not entirely his fault..after all,it’s Russell T.Davies who is,or at least was,in charge of everything.He has even admitted that he would completely rewrite scripts…this is not good.And if there is one thing that Doctor Who attracts more than anything else…it’s Egos.

Big ones.

Tom Baker reckoned he pretty much owned the show during his later years,and got his way perhaps once too often because everyone wanted a quiet life.On the whole though,he was justified….because Tom was chuffing awesome.

Russell T.Davies is NOT awesome although his ego is just as huge…some of his stories have embarrassed my son,and he’s in the target audience of Doctor Who.For example-

“Journey’s End”….the last episode of Tennant’s third season….lame,lame,lame.It makes me cringe.His lowest point…and he’s had his fair share of them.

A typical 45-minute Tennant episode consists of the following-

5 minutes of action/plot

40 minutes of over-acting/snogging

This is supposed to be Doctor Who—NOT Hollyoaks.

I suppose it is dumbed-down Doctor Who for a dumbed-down generation.

The next one will probably be just as bad…he looks different to Tennant but also exactly the same.The BBC obviously don’t want to mess with a very lucrative formula.

They don’t want to scare the kids who wouldn’t be able to cope with a good actor and intelligent scripts,so we’re stuck with a bloke who looks like an art-school reject.Things can only get worse.

So…why do I hate Tennant?

Well…I’ve seen every surviving episode of Doctor Who,so I am in good position to make an objective judgement.

Tom Baker is God….simples!

And here’s another reason why I hate him—

Because I can!

OK that’s my rant over.Feel free to hate me in a comment-based way.

The Complete & Utter History of Doctor Who,with Bettany Hughes!!

Bettany Hughes...again!!!

Hello history fans! Bettany Hughes here again with another in my series of dodgy,poorly researched and painfully unfunny histories of different stuff!

This week-DOCTOR WHO!!!

To chart the history of Doctor Who one must first tell of the origins of the BBC.

The BBC was established in 1850 and has been stealing money from us ever since to make their wonderful TV shows like Hole In The Wall and to give John Barrowman something to do.

In 1963 somebody clever had the idea of Doctor Who,and it wasn’t long before it became a big hit with pale,speccy,spotty boys who would never have sex.A few weeks after the first episode,the Doctor came face to plunger with the fearsome Darlicks!!

Shit-scary robot mad buggers on wheels from another planet,the Darleks had a fearsome multi-functional sink plunger,borrowed from their Mum’s kitchen,which they used to unblock the toilet after they’d been,and an awesome laser zapper thing so they could kill all the extras in the episodes who didn’t have any lines.

SCARY DARLEX!

All the Darlicks were operated by one-eyed pygmies from Belgium who were paid 1 shilling per week. (This wage was later increased to 5p and a Curly-Wurly after decimalisation..it may not sound a lot by today’s standards but remember,this was when Curly-Wurlys WERE Curly-Wurlys.)

But it was to be in 1965 that Doctor Who really took off…when some clever scientist types in white coats with loads of biros stuffed in the pocket and really thick-lensed glasses invented an amazing  invention…

Robot Women.

These could be used as the Doctor’s female companions as they were found to be less stroppy than real women.

Woman Automated Neural Controller...the W.A.N.C.

They came in all shapes and sizes,but the ones that worked really well on the show were the ones that were made without many clothes on.They were remotely controlled by clever boffin types using a great big machine with wires and tubes and things sticking out of it,called the Woman Automated Neural Controller (or W.A.N.C. for short.) So successful was this machine that a toy version of it was released in time for Christmas so every geeky,greasy little 13 year old boy could watch the pretty girls on the show and have a W.A.N.C. of his own…*

*(The Blog Dog would like to apologise for the poor quality of this joke.The unfunny slacker responsible has been sorted out,and no mistake.)*

The robot women were totally obedient at all times and could be made to adopt various facial expressions and poses.These poses usually involved bending over in very short skirts and tops because this was found to add greatly to the drama of the episodes.Female viewers (real ones) often watched from behind the sofa,fearing for the brave companion as she tried to run away from the monsters in a bikini and high heels.

Barking mad Doctor Who fans high on jelly-babies at a convention

Doctor Who fans are the most loyal in the world of Sci-fi.In fact,some of them are madder than a handbag full of owls.Not content with collecting every single book,video,DVD,Dahlikk toy and Peter Davison underpants they can get their hands on,some of them even congregate in large buildings and argue about the most irrelevant details of the programme.Some of these fans try to outdo each other by boasting about the things they’ve done,like owning all the “lost” episodes,meeting Tom Baker in Argos and actually taking a trip in the TARDIS back to the 12th century to witness the discovery of Cup-A-Soup.

Others talk of the time they actually spoke to a girl…but nobody believes them.

Doctor Who,after lots and lots of years,is still going strong and is soon to have it’s 11th actor in the title role.Casting the part of  The Doctor has always been a big problem for the makers of the programme,so in 1993,after the TV Movie starring one of those McGann brothers who’ve been in everything but not the one you’re thinking of from that thing on telly,one of the other ones,it was decided,for the 9th,10th and 11th Doctors,to get any old twat with an Equity card.

Here’s to the next shedload of successful years for Doctor Who!!!