2013 in review

Posted: January 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,500 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 42 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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2012 in review

Posted: January 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 6,300 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 11 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

2011 in review

Posted: January 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 10,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Following the discovery of the new 13th zodiacal sign,OSWESTRY,here are the new signs of the zodiac in full…

ASHTON-UNDER-LYNE

21 MARCH-19 APRIL

TORQUAY

20 APRIL-20 MAY

GILLINGHAM

21 MAY-20 JUNE

COWES

21 JUNE-22 JULY

LEAMINGTON SPA

23 JULY-22 AUGUST

VENICE

23 AUGUST-22 SEPTEMBER

LLANDUDNO

23 SEPTEMBER-22 OCTOBER

SCUNTHORPE

23 OCTOBER-21 NOVEMBER

SKEGNESS

22 NOVEMBER-21 DECEMBER

CLEETHORPES

22 DECEMBER-19 JANUARY

ANGLESEY

20 JANUARY-18 FEBRUARY

PAINGTON

19 FEBRUARY-20 MARCH

The 13th sign,Oswestry,is not officially recognised by astrologers because it messes up the results and,let’s face it,12 is a nice round figure anyway.

So there.



This isn’t very interesting but it does have a photo of Tennant (not my idea) for the ladies,(but obviously not for Doctor Who fans because he has nothing to do with it) and lots of stats and stuff to show you how many wonderful peeploids worried my blog last year.

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

The average container ship can carry about 4,500 containers. This blog was viewed about 19,000 times in 2010. If each view were a shipping container, your blog would have filled about 4 fully loaded ships.

In 2010, there were 28 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 110 posts. There were 53 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 4mb. That’s about 1 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was February 17th with 559 views. The most popular post that day was Has Anyone Seen Our David…?.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were community.livejournal.com, twitter.com, blogsurfer.us, facebook.com, and spam-filtering-service.net-us.info.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for cheryl cole, underground map, london underground, lady gaga, and captain pugwash.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Has Anyone Seen Our David…? February 2010
2 comments

2

GaGa Ooh La La! December 2009
2 comments

3

Sci-Fi’s Unsung Heroes #53,627 – Ensign Ro Laren August 2009
2 comments

4

Star Wars Episode VII-A New Blog September 2009
2 comments

5

The One About Not Drinking August 2009
1 comment

MERRY MICKELMAS…or something…

Guten Afternoon-en,Reality Surfers and Splitters of the Infinitive!!

‘Tis I,ब्लॉग कुत्ता !!!

And in the words of Sir Noddy Holder…IT’S BLOGMAS !!!!!!!

A time to remember the important things in life,such as getting rammed out of your cabbage on Asti Spumante at the office party and waking up the next morning with Dawn,the fat girl who fills the photocopier.A time to think of those less fortunate than yourself,the poor souls who,believe it or not,aren’t intergalactic pug-dogs of mystery with a vast fortune amassed in a life of adventure,intrigue and leg-humping.For even though I am a fabulously wealthy adventurer in time and space and elsewhere,it doesn’t mean that I don’t think of those less fortunate than myself.

*By the way,the people from the gas board called..they’ll be round to switch off your supply on Tuesday,….*

Ha ha…umm…yes thank you for reminding me…I’m switching over to electric heating.I’ve heard wonderful things about Economy 7-

*…and I’ve taken the magnet off the electricity meter…the bloke from n-power said,and I quote “Low usage is one thing but we were just taking the pi-*

SShhh…ha ha yes you do that,I don’t know how it got there…bloody kids.Bring back National Service,that’s what I say….Anyway,shouldn’t you be packing ?
*I’ve nearly finished*

Yes indeed,Constant Reader…you read right…I am vacating my current Fortress of Blogitude and relocating to a swanky drum in the Docklands…West India Quay to be exact.Tube stations are so last year.And Mornington Crescent is rather too big for me and Rizla now that my former love,Miss Deidre Macbeth,has run off with that Tennant person.Where is he now,eh?
Eh ?
Answers to this,and other,questions shall be forthcoming during the next twelvemonth,for The Dog of Blog will be back in business very soon,banging one off the wrist,as it were,with more gusset-ripping installments of The Necronomnomicon and more tuber-troubling terrors with everyone’s favourite psycho-bitch,Marjorie Misnomer.
Christmas is a time for family..but seeing as I have no family,I’ve decided that Blogmas is a time for me,so if you’ll excuse me,I must away to my new pad to install the shark tank and gruff a box or ten of jelly fruits while watching Her Majesty (God Bless Her) on the tellybox,for was it not John The Baptist who said-

*Umm you may want to stop it there,actually…*

For why,pray,for why ?

*Well there appear to be two very large gentlemen with hurty-sticks  attempting to squeeze themselves through the barrier you put up to keep the council tax bloke out-*

SHIT!

*I think I already have*

Oh Buddha it’s the Theydon Bois !!!

*Big lads,aren’t they?*

Wapping!

*Oh Arsenal*

Down the secret tunnel!! Time to blog off,Dear Reader…until we meet again in futures uncertain,Happy Blogmas !!

Kismet & Ketamine share everything....

Kismet & Ketamine shared everything

House Misnomer stood,proud and erect,in rolling,boiling gardens of green….a craggy edifice swaddled in an emerald gown.Usually…

On this particular day,a dark blemish marred the lush lawns…a black tumour.It was Marjorie,doing something unmentionable with a courgette.Gesundheit the Marrow was sat nearby,reading the Financial Times.

“Gold’s up.” he murmured,topically.

Into this idyll shambled the syphilitic,quadruped form of the Misnomer “twins”,Kismet & Ketamine.They hoved nightmarishly into view,blocking the sun and causing Gesundheit to shuffle off,tutting,in search of sufficient light to study the performance of his stock portfolio,which,with the demise of the entire Misnomer family,was considerable.

“Kismet is bored.”

“Ketamine is bored.”

Marjorie put the psychotic veggie to one side and looked up at her sisters-they were truly a sight to behold,even by her own rather,shall we say,unique standards.Not,as has been previously documented,genuine twins;not even similar in looks,height,weight or perversion,or even of the same age,they were, however, eternally bonded,down the side, into one appalling whole.

Marjorie sighed.”Now girls,you know we’re having Tallulah Miggins for tea later on.I’ve prepared an extra-special feast..cake,cucumber sandwiches and lashings of ginger beer.And then we’re going to play croquet,hopscotch and dress up our dollies in pretty dresses.” She jigged up and down,grinning hugely at the thought.

Kismet and Ketamine stared at each other,a look of bewilderment and incomprehension on their faces,then looked back at Marjorie.

Marjorie met their double-gaze.She was still grinning,but now in some awful,wrong way.

“Then I’m going to drive the little bitch out of her mind.”

————————————————————————————

A short distance away from the lush yet fatal lawns of House Misnomer stood a small cottage,entirely pink inside and out,incidentally next door to the cottage that once belonged to the late Sheila Lemony-Marchbanks.

One could,if one were suitably inclined,assume that Marjorie was working through the village in a methodical way,cottage by cottage,street by street.

And you would be correct in that assumption,for within this cottage lived the unfortunate guest of honour of the aforementioned tea-party.

Tallulah Miggins,blissfully unaware of the programme of events that was being planned,and seemingly oblivious to the mass murder that had become the norm within the stately grounds of House Misnomer,but instead focused on her afternoon tea appointment at the big house,and the need to dress for the occasion,etiquette being one of her “things,” was at this very moment trying on various outfits in her boudoir and soliciting constructive comments from her two dolls,Hollyoaks and Madame Flange,who were sat to attention on their Special Chairs. She had been doing this for quite some time.

Tallulah,who was pretty “special” herself,twirled gaily in a pink taffeta frock in front of the dolls.

“Well,ladies,will I do ?” she asked them.

Hollyoaks and Madame Flange,being two particularly fine examples of Victorian porcelain dolls,blinked their eyes twice in the affirmative.They didn’t much care what dress Tallulah wore that afternoon,but had been promised tea and cake and were in haste to be gone,so they were relieved when she appeared to have made a final satorial decision.They also aware that Tallulah had an almost infinite collection of pink taffeta dresses,all exactly the same.They neither saw any difference between them,nor appreciated the need to try on one hundred different examples of the same dress.

But they were only dolls,and were loyal to Tallulah,although it should be said that neither Hollyoaks nor Madame Flange entirely trusted Marjorie Misnomer,having heard unusual sounds coming from the neighbouring cottage the other day.

Looking at the clock,Tallulah shrieked: “Ooh time we were elsewhere,ladies! The big house awaits!”

Scooping up the two dolls in her arms,Tallulah flounced out of her boudoir and down the stairs,grabbing a monstrous yellow sun hat as she went,which she placed firmly on her head.Hollyoaks and Madame Flange were similarly attired in their Sunday best.Skipping jauntily out the door of her cottage,she greeted the day (Tallulah was like that) and continued her skipping progress down the road towards House Misnomer and,indeed,her certain doom.

Hollyoaks and Madame Flange hung on for dear life….something they would be doing quite a lot of that afternoon.

———————————————————————

“Tea?”

Marjorie Misnomer sat,proffering a teapot in the general direction of her guest,at the head of a long table,festooned with multitudinous cakes and other baked goodness,on the lawn of House Misnomer.

Tallulah Miggins paused with a chocolate eclair a mere inch from her mouth and exclaimed “Ooh yes please!”,offering up her bone-chine teacup for the requisite filling of.

Marjorie did the pouring,Tallulah the sipping.”Mm lovely!” she cooed,her little finger pointing,unwittingly,to where Gesundheit the murderous marrow now lay in wait,hidden,snickering.

“I’m so glad you could come to my party,Tallulah…and your little dollies,of course.” She narrowed her eyes at the two miniature playthings,sat next to Tallulah at the table in two high-chairs,a cup of untouched tea in front of each of them.Their scones were similarly un-nibbled.”We get so few guests here at House Misnomer,and with Daddy….away on business,it’s just me and the twins.”

“Oh how are Kismet and Ketamine,haven’t seen them for years?” gushed Tallulah,ramming jam tarts in her mouth.

Marjorie raised an eyebrow and smiled.Hollyoaks wet herself…Madame Flange’s tummy turned over.

“They are well…they don’t get out much,prefer their own company.They’re very…close….joined at the hip as my father used to…as he always says. But they will be joining us for tea quite soon….in fact here they come now!” said Marjorie,rising slightly to look up the lawn towards the House.She waved.

Tallulah,with yet another eclair halfway in her mouth,turned to look….Kismet and Ketamine were indeed shambling table-wards.Hollyoaks and Madame Flange also studied the approaching abomination,a dark worry bubbling in their porcelain hearts.Tallulah,ever the optimist,thought nothing of the extreme closeness of the two girls as they reached the table and sat down,seemingly on one,extra-wide chair.Her mother always taught her not to stare at,or think less of,those who may have,as old Ma Miggins put it,something “a bit not right” about them.And anyway,Marjorie had made sure the “twins” had had a bath before the party.They had protested but it was,as Marjorie,pointed out,a special occasion,and they wouldn’t need another one for months.With cries of “Kismet wants Matey!” and “Ketamine wants Matey!” ringing in her ears,Marjorie had picked out,in much the same way that Tallulah Miggins had done so,the twins’ best dress…dresses…dress from their admittedly limited wardrobe.

So…the “twins” were acceptable,nearly,to the untrained eye…but even so,Tallulah averted her gaze as they attempted to pour themselves a cup of tea,with much smashing of crockery,but she couldn’t work out why they only used one of their hands and not both…and they were sitting very close. Eventually they worked out a system whereby one girl poured tea into the others cup,and vice versa.They sipped happily,and became entranced by the two dolls,who had been equally transfixed with the twins since they had materialised. Hollyoaks and Madame Flange shifted nervously in their high-chairs.

“Kismet want dolly!”

“Ketamine want dolly!”

The dolls’s eyes fluttered nervously.Tallulah,for the first time,looked uneasily at Marjorie,who sat,with her arms draped silkily over the arms of her chair,like a black velvet and lace spider at the heart of a web,smiling.

Then she made a gesture…a tiny gesture that the normal person would not catch..but there was little that was normal about Kismet and Ketamine.

They understood perfectly…they had been released.

For two young woman,surgically fused together down the side,their respective right and left arms now a distant memory,but still possessing four legs…for all their inelegance,they had a remarkable turn of speed,something that came in useful when they were out for the evening,hunting cats.

Kismet and Ketamine,the Binary Badness,lunged across the table at the dolls,who were frozen with fear.Hollyoaks was grabbed by Kismet and Madame Flange by Ketamine.Being dolls,they were used to being hugged almost to death by excitable young women,but this was something different…something wrong.…they could feel it in their joints.Kismet,being the worse of the two,decided she wanted both dolls and started trying to pull Madame Flange away from her sister.An unpleasantness ensued,with the twins ending up on the ground,the dolls forgotten,as they ripped and tore at each other’s hair and face.Hollyoaks and Madame Flange lay on the tablecloth,near the scones,gasping.

Tallulah,not wishing to make a scene,being very British,turned to Marjorie: “Are they…umm…all right ?”

Marjorie,who had been silent,enjoying the scene,whispered silkily: “Oh yes,they’re just fine.More tea…oh no,now look what they’ve done…they’ve ripped their dress.” She pointed at the struggling sisters,who were now quite bloody,and finally,fatally,Tallulah noticed what had been bugging her all this time…they were so close,they seemed to be wearing the same dress.Also,when Kismet rolled over,Ketamine followed,almost as if they were…stuck together.

Tallulah Miggins stared…Kismet and Ketamine’s “dress” was ripped beyond repair…they were almost in the altogether,and what this revealed to the world at large was not something that Tallulah Miggins had any real,tangible words for.

They were indeed stuck together down the middle…Tallulah saw the ragged scar that marked their eternal bondage.She stared…and stared again as Kismet and Ketamine suddenly ceased their battle and shambled to their feet.Marjorie had also stood,coming round to stand behind Tallulah,who was dumbstruck,placing her hands on her shoulders.

Tallulah shivered.

“Now then,Tallulah…it’s time for-”

But she got no further,as Hollyoaks leapt up from among the scones and sank her teeth into Marjorie’s neck.Marjorie staggered back,bleeding heavily and tugging and smacking at the deadly dolly.Madame Flange,meanwhile,clutching a wicked-looking cake knife,hopped off the table and sank the blade into one of Kismet’s,or possibly it was Ketamine’s,legs.The twins collapsed to the ground,one of them screaming in agony,the other trying to get back up and wandering what all the fuss was about.

Madame Flange ran towards the flailing Marjorie to help Hollyoaks,but Marjorie saw her coming.She kicked out,sending Flange flying;she landed some distance away,it having been a very good punt on Marjorie’s part,despite the pain in her neck,in the gooseberry bush.Madame Flange lay still.Marjorie took hold of Hollyoaks by the neck…and twisted. Hollyoaks’ head popped off,making a noise that no-one would want to hear twice in their life…it may have been a tiny scream.Throwing  Hollyoaks’ head and body aside,where they snatched up by the twins,she pounced on Tallulah,who had been watching the madness as if from a distance,unable to move or act,and held her face in her hands.

“That’s why I never had any dolls when I was little!” roared Marjorie,cryptically.Her eyes were wide,quite mad.

“Now…I’m going to do to you what I did to your smelly little dolly….but slower.”

Marjorie’s hands tightened.

Finally,Tallulah acted.Not understanding the madness,but wanting to escape it more than anything,Tallulah cried out to anyone who may hear.

There was no one.

Alright dudes ?

Hola!

‘Tis I-El Perro Blog…reporting from the London Underground,and my Mornington Crescent lair… and I am one year old !!

Yes,adventure-fans..it was one year ago (almost) today that I was found,swaddled in a copy of Razzle,on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street,having fallen through a rift in the time-space continuum following my battle with the Daleks on Uranus.(I have to do ALL the work while Tennant gets all the glory…and my wife,but that’s another story)

But there is no time for a detailed origin story this week….another time maybe…if I can be arsed.

Not only do I have to advertise for another maid/cleaner/cook/tea-maker/asbestos cleaner/toenail-cutter,but I also need to finish my profile on this intertubenet dating site I’ve joined-PlentyofDogs.com,because I haven’t had a bit for months…and you wouldn’t believe the dust on the platform.I’ve decided to combine the two jobs,that of lover and caretaker.

My ad reads – “Handsome Immortal Adventurer In Time & Space Seeks Sex-Mad Bitch To Make Tea And Sweep Up”

Haven’t had many replies yet…

Anyway…what can you expect from the upcoming year?

Excitement,adventure and rampant sauciness,that’s what!!

And if I can pull my finger out,more pelvic-floor-testing escapades from my unbelievable life !!!

THE BLOG DOG-like a nun with dwarfism ramming a box of chalk up your crevice…sexier than Eva Mendes carrying a Tesco bag filled with custard creams…the feeling you get when you realise you CAN marry your iMac…the Blog Dog is all these things,and yet more..

Until next time,jollies-junkies !!!

subliminal advertising...

…there are a few of its products that would test the faith of even the most fanatical Steve Jobs disciples,namely-

  1. THE MACBOOK AIR-It’s a MacBook…it’s thin…that’s it.Nowhere near as sexy as the white MacBook or as beefy as the MacBook Pro,the Air is the laptop equivalent of another entry in this dubious list,the iPad….looks all lovely and shiny but you cannot think of even one reason why you should buy one other than to show off.We’ve all heard the story about the American pillock who allegedly put his Air on top of some newspapers on his coffee table and “accidentally” threw it out in the rubbish.Most likely,he realised he’d bought a turkey and devised a way for him to get rid of it while getting a bit of fame at the same time…it isn’t even that thin or that light.Talking of which…
  2. THE IPAD-sadly not a kind of iPhone/sanitary towel mash-up,more an iPhone for someone with really big hands,the iPad is for people who want to have the apps they never use on their iPhones,but bigger.Obviously brought out by Apple in order to get a slice of the growing e-book market,it’s not quite a laptop,not quite anything really…except maybe a very expensive coffee-table paperweight-the top of the range with 3G and wi-fi is £699.If you think that’s a reasonable price to pay to read online newspaper articles from the comfort of your armchair because you’re to lazy to walk to your computer,than good luck to you….just don’t take it outside with you,because if you’re not mugged then you’ll realise the major drawback to the iPad and indeed the iPhone…no 3G,no happiness.Believe me I know…my mother’s house is a kind of technology black hole from whence no signal can escape.I keep on at her to get broadband,but she’s still struggling with BBC 2.And talking of television-
  3. APPLE TV-do you actually know anyone with one of these? If,for some strange reason,you want to watch your Lady Gaga videos or the vastly overpriced films you bought from iTunes on your main television,you can use the Apple TV to stream it down the intertubes.Quite frankly,if you’re buying films and TV series from iTunes,then you are stupid….or rich…or a stupid rich person,so it’s probably only fitting that you have a special gadget that costs £233 to watch them on.Maybe you’d like one of these,too-
  4. IPOD NANO-The 16GB version costs £138 and is a must for people who like squinting at Beyonce’s latest video or that film they took of their neighbour sunbathing topless,because the shiny new Nano now records video onto a miniscule screen.Think of the hours of fun to be had watching Avatar on a one-inch screen.Ooh and it’s got a radio and a pedometer!!! Much more useful and fun is the iPod Shuffle…totally bereft of buttons or screen,a disembodied voice,in the manner of a slightly more urbane Stephen Hawking, announces the name of the song you’re listening to,in case,like me,you download any old crap without actually checking what it is first.Or you’ve only got a 5 second memory.

Even though I worship at the altar of Apple,and regularly make pilgimages to the Apple Store in Cardiff,I’m kind of glad that there have been problems with the new iPhone 4,because Apple was starting to resemble the Evil Empire,and needed a kick in their complacency.They don’t want to get TOO big,because there’s only one way to go from there.Poor old Microsoft are being left behind,quite rightly,I think,because people are turning away from clunky old PCs and wonky Windows,and instead buying into the Apple ethic…stone-cold sexy gear that has a uniform identity that works (well sometimes,but more often than a PC.) If you’ve stood face-to-face with a 27″ iMac,then you’ll know what I’m talking about.Sexier than Eva Mendes smothered in strawberry cheescake,I’m going to get one when I can find a buyer for my kidneys.