The Complete And Utter History of Cup-A-Soup,with Bettany Hughes!

Bettany Hughes

Hello,I’m Bettany Hughes…historian,brainbox and all-round babe,and I’m here to tell you about the history of Cup-A-Soup.

Cup-A-Soup…

The very name resounds throughout history like a great big resounding thing.But it’s story has never been told…until now.

It’s very origins are shrouded in secrecy…some say it came to Earth in a meteorite when dinosaurs walked the planet.

Others that it was dug out of the ground around Stonehenge by druids in the 12th century.

We will never know for sure.

But luckily,thanks to historians throughout the ages,we can piece together the impact of Cup-A-Soup from the Stone Age right up to today.

The very first recorded appearance of Cup-A-Soup in history was during the Roman occupation of Britain.Vast mines were dug across the country to mine raw instant soup in a cup.Many people lost their lives doing this dangerous work due to the fact that Cup-A-Soup,in it’s raw unprocessed form,is highly explosive.

The Romans,besotted with the hug-in-a-mug,held wild Cup-A-Soup parties,especially in the city of Aquae Sulis,now known as Bath.In fact,to this day,all the inhabitants of Bath are addicted to Cup-A-Soup.

But it is not just its importance as a leisure drink that marks out Cup-A-Soup in history.

King Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth (possibly)

During the Battle of Bosworth Field,the Plantagenet King Richard III,after a bloody defeat by the hands of Henry Tudor,could be seen wandering the battlefield crying “minestrone,minestrone,my kingdom for a minestrone!”

But he was doomed never to get any.

The Tudor dynasty ruled for quite a bit after this.Henry VIII,who had his first wife,Catherine of Aragon,executed due to her preference for Pot Noodle,declared himself Head of the Church of England and announced that Cup-A-Soup would take the place of wine during Holy Communion.This,historians believe,is in honour of The Last Supper,where Christ served Cup-A-Soup and croutons….the “blood and the body.”

But it was his daughter,the virgin Queen Elizabeth I,who really took the consumption of Cup-A-Soup to new levels.It is

Elizabeth I pictured with her Cup-A-Soup pot and stirrer

said she went to war against the Spanish for a laugh after enjoying a box-full of tomato soups in one sitting,and had her sister,Mary,Queen of Scots,beheaded after she secretly finished off the last of the chicken and blamed it on Shakespeare.In fact,it is rumoured that Shakespeare himself did indeed have a fondness for the powder-based snack,and was believed to have slipped references into his plays,such as Macbeth-“Double double,toil and trouble,fire burn,and golden vegetable bubble.”

In more recent times,Queen Victoria,named her 9 children after Cup-A-Soup varieties,and it was also instrumental during World War II when it was used as fuel for Spitfires.

Long-haired hippies high on Cup-A-Soup,yesterday....

During the Woodstock festival in the 1960s,long-haired hippie students,eager for that extra kick from Cup-A-Soup,took to snorting it straight from the sachet.However,some festival goers suffered ill effects due to a certain type of inferior “soup-in-a-cup” that was circulated through the crowds.This was later analysed and discovered to be Tesco’s own brand.

Of course,Cup-A-Soup has survived into the modern age,thanks in part to the discovery in 1969 that the moon is made from it.It is rumoured that this is the source of the snack,and that a government conspiracy exisits to cover up the existence of extra-terrestrial Cup-A-Soup miners.

Do aliens mine Cup-A-Soup on the moon?

Whatever its origins,one thing is for sure,Cup-A-Soup is great,(especially tomato) and is enjoyed all over the world  (but especially in Bath) for its tastiness and not-exactly-rocket-science preparation requirements.Because of this it is particularly popular amongst single men from Wales,and is made by the company Bachelors to this day.

Next time–I try not to be so easily led and get back to more important issues ;)p